Final Cut

Is this just a routine? Are my emotions only a pattern I've become so accustomed to that I've lost the possibilities? I miss the past. There was once no barrier between us, except the one we knew existed, but denied it's tangibility in our exchanges. We laughed, completely and honestly, but with shadows in our hearts. I was a girl, confident in myself, but not in my heart. I had learned to wait in emotions. I waited for mine to dissipate over you, but they never did. From the first time I met you, I was fascinated.

Pretending. I became so good at it. I fooled even myself - didn't dare look at the truth and convinced my head and heart that our friendship was like no other, and that was all. So backwards. I miss that. The times when we never said anything, only exchanged one look and knew exactly what was being said. The times when teasing had so many meanings, but we only looked at the first. When we could cross that invisible line, but dance away with hardly a second thought. Perhaps with half a thought we would linger, but look where that has brought us.

I'm tired now. The line has been broken and I was left swimming with a false hope. Denial no longer substitutes. Reality has come crashing down around the careless freedom which once protected our world. No longer can we use our double words or look one another truly in the eye. I'm slipping under and yet still harbor a traitor's hope of salvation.

When you hugged me, it felt so good. When you smiled, I felt like my day would be complete. When you drifted away, I was left drowning. But it took so long that I'm used to the torment. Now that I've decided to leave it all behind, I almost don't know what to do with myself. I miss it all. I wish it had never happened. People call me strong, they call me ‘ninja-girl' and expect my talents to overflow into my life, but I'm still just a girl. I only have dreams, and now must give up on one which has sustained me for so many years.

I was annoying at times, I'm fully aware of that. My subjects ranged all over, but you never questioned how my mind worked. You listened without judgment, the first boy who ever did so. The first boy who ever knew me and accepted everything about how I thought, and acted. There will never be another exactly like you, but then again, I'll have stopped looking.

I am sorry. I'm afraid that you may think this is unfair. But then I look back at all I have done to keep my hope intact and realize I have given more than an ample chance. If you did not see it, then it is not my fault. If you believe I had not given you a deadline, it is because I did not have one - not till now. There never should have been a deadline. I tried. I tried for so long that I forgot how much effort I was giving, and if you never saw my attempts, I cannot be held responsible.

I loved you. I still do. I will always be here to help you if you need me, but I can never return to what was once our world with the double words. Denial is torn. That invisible barrier is gone, and now we see face to face and fear what is there. I loved you, I don't know how much, but my heart is hurting with my choice. Ignorance is bliss, but I've emerged in a personal hell. It will fade away in time, but I've already given it too much time.

I've given too much...

Author's note: Yes, I have a friend who was the world to me. The door opened to a new level in our relationship, but everything slowly disintegrated. It's been a few years now, and I've finally decided to give myself an ultimatum. Life is too short. I still love him, but I'm going beyond.

I'm also called ‘ninja girl' due to the one incident where I broke a window in one of my classrooms when trying to kill a wasp. My hand went entirely through a glass pane on the third floor without a scratch. Fellow classmates haven't let me live it down.