Epilogue

The damsel suddenly enters screaming and running away as the villain pursues her.  He catches her binds her, taking the rope from somewhere near the audience, perhaps a place the writer has dropped it.  The villain cackles hysterically evil in the stereotypically overdone fashion.

Villain

And now I, the dastardly villain shall bind this the beautiful damsel and leave her thus bound on the rail road tracks as yonder train comes barreling towards her helpless and bound form.

Damsel

What’s with the bondage fetish?

Other characters make a train using the curtain cart and the damsel screams again.  The villain covers his ears and looks a little squeamish.  Then as she screams and kicks again.  Looks at his watch.  He kneels by the girl.

Villain

If hero-boy doesn’t show in the next eight seconds, I’ll let you up.

Damsel

Oh don’t worry, he’s always late.  It’s the hair.

The villain nods understanding as she screams again.  The hero makes a dramatic entrance.

Hero

I,

            (Strikes a pose) The hero!

            (New pose) Have arrived.

Villain

It’s about time too.

They begin to battle, fist fight sot of thing, obviously staged.

Hero

We’ll have to skip the part where you are nearly victorious and cackles manically, my last visit with little Nell took a little longer than expected.

Villain

            (Messes up his hair) I’ll bet it did.

Hero

            (Even the train comes to a screeching halt as the hero gasps loudly and falls to his knees and mourns his hair.) My…hair…

Villain

(Victorious) Maybe now you’ll show up on time.

Hero

I am a merciful and good-natured man.  I was prepared to forgive your sins after a heartfelt repentance, a regretful confession, a grateful vow of servitude, and a mocha cappuccino… but this…

            (Pulls a gun) For this you must die…

Villain

Wow… uh… I think we might be going over our uh… rating with that dude… uh.  Don’t you agree Miss In-distress?

Damsel

Is that a water gun?

They all look to the writer again in the corner.

Writer

Budget cuts…

Hero

Oh…

(Noticing the damsel) Wait we’re fighting over her?

Villain

If she won’t love me she’ll love no one!

Damsel

I can’t believe the entire conflict of this story is based on my being rescued by him.

Hero

(Campy) I can’t believe the entire conflict rests on my wanting to rescue you.

Villain

Wait… you two aren’t together?

Damsel

(Sharp and shrill) No!

Hero

(With unaffected heroism) We hate each other.

Villain

Oh. 

(Unties the damsel) Well that’s different then.  Hi.  My name’s Gene, want to go on a date sometime?

Damsel

As long as you’re not as conceited as him, sure.

Hero

I’m not conceited!  I’m perfect.

Villain

I probably should warn you though; I'm a man of sinister intentions.

Damsel

Ooooh.  Sinister intentions.  Tell me more.

Hero

Thus I become a tragic hero.  A sad and dismal figure of a man.  I am alone... The good guys always finish last.

The hero exits traumatically.

Writer

(Slack-jawed amazement) What the heck…but everything was going so well!  I mean we had the

(Makes sounds and waves arms unable to express the idea) and the… we had the things… and (more made up sounds) um…

(Defeated) Oh…Maybe I should take up comedy...