Antihope
ARC

I can feel it;
even now, I can feel it
as it crashes
in waves
beating
upon the thousand billion grains
of my consciousness
then ebbing
slowly
painfully
quietly
it leaves behind
a nameless empty
a blessed agony
and all these ragged, raw emotions
stranded like starfish
glittering and forlorn
and helpless, yet hopeful
until the bitter end,
until the last dark cloud
crushes the dancing sunset
into silence

such is life
and always has been;
the Ladies weren't lying
when they sang
of chains from birth
expectations
and being told
over and over
that I am
"a good girl"

and Mother always said
"just do the best you can"
but of course
she and the rest of the world
repeat that my best
is better
than all the other kids
stuck here in greyness

and suddenly
"academic enrichment"
becomes the key
to the real world
which is not quite as real
as those in it
would like to pretend
while strangers behind desks
write letters
asking for my "consideration"
to give them
perhaps
my life in ink

always I feel it
constantly there
like the blatant sun
burning me
mocking me
never a moment of peace
and I am twisted
wound up tight
ticking
then finally
lashing out
at those I hold most dear
and cultivating angry doubts
to throw in the face of
the Other
he, who is so lovely
he, who does not understand
my volatile heart
my tainted thoughts
the strange and fearful world
that remains
etched inside my skull;
but even so
he cares
and worries
and loves me all the same

confusion rains down
until everything
is clear as sacred mud
dripping in my hands
as the sky darkens with my mood
and tears begin again
as night sets in
I die a little
my sun sets
and my soul cries
and nothing can be done