The morning seemed like any other, except it hurt less to wake up. Having talked to Matt, even without him answering back, made her feel safer. Maybe he could still hear her.

The winds brushed against her softly, confusing her about the present season.

The days seemed calmer and brighter, and easier to exist in since that day in the grave yard. The rain no longer fell to weigh her down like burdens, but fell now to refresh her and remind her of all the moments she’d had in the rain.

The pavement was smothered in leaves, such rich oranges and reds were mesmerising. The morning was young and it surrounded her. Her school skirt danced on her knees as she walked and she was thinking of him, but it wasn’t making her ache. All she could do was wander continuously through questions that she’d wanted to ask him.

It’d be easy to say he was happy wherever he was now. But she didn’t know for definite and it worried her.

She wished that he’d left her something.. A note.. Anything that would help her try and fit the melted pieces of the puzzle back together. Nothing would ever just click into place and suddenly make everything okay again.

No matter how many times she repeated herself when asking her questions aloud, he would never answer. And no matter how much progress she made in the acceptance of his suicide, it’d always be unexplained and intricate and blurry.

She reached the school gates a few seconds later and sighed. It had all began here and soon she’d leave this school and a part of herself behind forever.

The heavy doors shut after her with a thud. The corridor was littered with curled leaves and dust which danced in the beams of sunlight that fell in through the smudgy windows. And then it hit her. The noise of laughter and fun and love. She felt so apart from it. But she knew that she wanted to be apart from it. It was hers to control. She knew that she didn’t want to be a part of a group, of a system or even of a setting that wasn’t going to take the time to even try to understand her.

Why did no one there seem even the slightest bit like her? All in such extremes, they contrast so strikingly with her. And when she stood in between the bubblegum-coloured princesses and gothic anarchists, who both in their own way demand so much attention, she seemed like the medium, the normal one, the original of all the altered copies and the one that would fade into the background unless you looked close enough.

Quartz loved how no one even looked at her until they heard her name. Quartz Abigail Holden. Quartz would never forget the Bishop’s face on the day of her confirmation. It still made her laugh to think about it.; her aunt Collette standing behind her repeating the name over and over and the bishop asking her to repeat it because he was convincing himself that he’d heard her wrong.

With that memory, the first smile that Quartz has wore in week fell across her lips and she thought of how hilarious her christening must have been.

Now her name was accepted in school, but in the beginning every one labelled her as one of those troubled kids who had hippies for parents and would grow up to resent them, and anyone else in their life and would eventually massacre their whole town as an outcry of humiliation of having to live with such an odd name. Quartz sighed with a smiled. Her name was the only thing she liked about herself.

She turned the corner on her way to her registration classroom. Six more hours until freedom. And it was a Thursday so she could begin to relax into her weekend. Her eyes were glazed but happy as reached the door to her destination, ten minutes early.

Everyone around her was buzzing with thoughts and worries about unfinished homework, missing ties and seeing that person they’d drunkenly kissed the previous night.

She watched them and their smiles and wondered had she been there too, in that calm, uncomplicated happy.. Way before all this.

There was a hazy blur of happiness that she could se from the back of her mind. Clara had been there. And Matt. And Jonathan and other faceless people and she saw herself back then too, how different she’d looked. But of course she’d been a different person then too.

Now it was different. She sat in registration class, at the middle row of desks, alone, listening to call the teacher call the role of students’ names.

The teacher was a young woman of about twenty-five, fresh out of college, and she was pretty.

“Quartz Holden”

Quartz looked up, hearing her name.

“Here” she said politely. The young woman looked at her for a moment, before smiling slightly and letting her eyes return to her list of names.

Quartz smiled too. Her eyes suddenly glittered with an innocence that had long been missing.

“What date is it today?” the teacher asked, a moment later, as she came to the end of the list of names.

Quartz flicked open her journal to the calendar of the school year, almost without thinking. She jumped.

“the 18th of October” a voice said from behind Quartz.

“Oh god” She thought to herself, she’d been so lost in the past she’d forgotten what days were, what this day would have meant.

“Thanks” the teacher replied and signed her name on the end of the role sheet before she closed it and began rooting through her bag.

“October 18th” Quartz repeated, mouthing the words slowly, tasting the syllables. She suddenly grabbed a pen and wrote it down, “October 18th”. and there it was. What would have been three full years together was captured forever in the bottom of a random page pf her French book.

Suddenly the bell rang, animating her first class of the day, Maths.

She gathered her books, shoved them back into her bag and became lost amidst a blur of chattering navy uniforms; smiling sadly to herself and looking out each window she passed on the way; searching for that star she’d found that night in the rain; whispering sadly,

“Happy Anniversary”

“Matt, make love to me!” Quartz whispered, her eyes crying out in desperation. Matt looked at her from his position beside her on his bed. The light of his room seemed to change the moment she said those words. He was only inches away from her but he felt miles, because so much seemed to be separating them. Matt had never been more nervous in his entire life.

Matt touched her face as it lay next to his on his pillow.

“Do you really want me to?”

His stomach did an unsure dance, awaiting her answer. She suddenly held his hand that cupped her face.

“Matt, I want you to be a part of me”

Matt blinked and shivered. All of Quartz’s features suddenly seemed to define themselves more beautiful.

Quartz watched his face nervously, almost aching for his response. She tried to take him in all at once but her eyes wouldn’t let her. It was too much. In the end her eyes focused on his eyes, so comforting and beautifully green.

Matt didn’t answer her, didn’t want to risk saying something, stumbling in the words and cheapening the maybe most beautiful moments of his life.

Matt’s hand slid down her cheek, down her neck and rested on her shoulder. His other hand lightly grasped her waist. Quartz edged her body closer to his so that their breath was heavy on each others faces. Their breathing gradually fell into unison. Matt moved his head closer to hers in what felt like slow motion. Quartz felt her eyes close, almost on instinct, the moment she felt Matt’s lips against hers. Her arms slid over his shoulders and Matt kissed her so softly.

Quartz deepened the kiss and pulled her to him by the front of his T-shirt, her hands shaking. Matt stopped after a few moments and took hold of her hands. He lifted her off of his bed and she stood beside him, slightly confused. It was then she realised what he was doing. As he leaned down and pulled back his duvet, looking back up at her carefully as he did so.

Quartz touched the sheets of his bed compassionately, her whole body flickering like a flame.

“This is it” she whispered to herself. She slid slowly under his navy duvet but felt slightly uncomfortable, still in her clothes. Her jeans were clinging to her legs and her T-shirt was caught tight under her arms, making her feel too warm. Her mind forgot all this as she felt his warm hands on her stomach, underneath her T-shirt, as he slid into bed next to her.

She was enveloped by the feeling of his arms ad he made her feel like they were both so far away from the world. She turned so that her face was just inches from his and ran her fingers through his dried hair gel, her eyes darting all over his face, counting freckles, noting features and photographing his eyes.

Quartz smiled and closed her eyes for a moment, relieving them from the intensity. Matt watched her and felt his eyes ache almost as they wanted to burst with emotions that confused him. Quartz kissed him again and smiled as, underneath his bed covers, he unbuttoned her jeans and ran the back of his hand down the length of her stomach. He then moved down and kissed her stomach, down to her hip bone and all along it, making her whole body ache for him. He looked up at her suddenly and stopped,

“Are you sure?” He asked again, he needed to be sure that this was what she wanted. Quart nodded quickly and he slid off her jeans, tickling her naked toes as the denim brushed over them. He kissed her stomach, kissed it so softly and slowly, wanting to make these moments last forever. No moment lasts forever.

His kisses travelled up, under her top and up to the bottom of her bra. He kissed along it and his hands slid up to the hem of her T-shirt, grasped it and slowly lifted it up and over her head.

Quarts watched him. She could feel her eyes get heavy with tears she couldn’t explain. He didn’t notice, but held her next to his body as he drowned his face in her golden hair for a moment. His hands slid down her back to her bar clasp and they slowly, shyly and inexpertly undid it. He then slid it down her arms and it was dropped to the floor, adding to a growing pile of forgotten clothes. All she could do was shudder as his fingers ran all over her.

Finally, as though he’d been trying to gain just enough courage, he took off her underwear and they fell to the floor, landing next to her jeans and his shoes.

Matt gazed at here again and breathed out, smiling a sweetly nervous smile. He leaned down into her, as though he were about to kiss her, but didn’t, and whispered,

“I’ve never seen anyone look this beautiful”

Quartz closed her eyes, squeezing a few small tears out, and smiled. She opened them again as Matt sat up slightly beside her for a moment and lifted his T-shirt over his head. He wanted her to see him naked.

He un-buttoned his jeans and looked at her. Quartz found her hands and helped his pull the jeans off.

Matt touched Quartz’s shoulders and slowly slid his body onto hers, his skin brushing hers with such beautiful innocence. Quartz touched his cheek and made him kiss her. Matt pulled away, sighing softly. His hands were at his sides then as, shaking, he slid off his boxers.

Shudders of anticipation flooded through them as their purity was a moment from broken.

Matt slid his arms up under Quartz’s and held onto her so tightly as Quartz felt the sudden burst of sensations. Matt was completing her, matt was inside her. Her skin was drenched in his skin and she was drowning in him. He was the closest to her that any person had ever been. He was a part of her. Matt’s breath was heavy on her shoulders and on her cheeks, his hands pressed tightly to her back.

Quarts felt like she could hear the whispers of Matt’s eyes dance on her lips as he held her so close to him that it seemed he’d never let go.

Her whole body shuddered and shook as the room started to spin. The air became too much and suddenly the sheets felt like liquid silk beneath them and it seemed all of their characteristics would coalesce with the silk and become one, running together like syrup. The walls around them appeared hazy and the green paint seemed to melt from the heat that the both of them seemed to breath out. She felt like they were a painting and the longer they lay completing one another, the more the paints and colours of them and their world smeared together.

Both of them were suddenly hit with a wave of shudders and their heavy breaths matched, gasping desperately not for air but for more and more of one another. Matt kissed her and smiled, brushing her hair from her face. He’d never felt anything more beautiful than this. He listened to her heart beating right next to his and counted down the seconds away until he would kiss her again. It felt as though they were now both lost, stranded in one another, but not even thinking about trying to find the way out.

He kissed her cheek and watched her eyes search his excitedly as she sighed.

Matt smiled.

“I love you”

Quartz held onto his shoulders tightly and smiled as well, shifting her body slightly so that her gold hair fell across the pillow in its own beautiful tangles. Matt kissed her again. And moved slowly so that he lay next to her and his head rested carefully next to her hair.

“I love you too” Quartz whispered and touched his stomach under the covers. Quartz lifted her head and rested it on his chest and wrapped an arm around his stomach. He closed his eyes for a moment and just held her.

Quartz shivered and smiled up at him. He sensed her eyes and re-opened his.

“Quartz”

“Yeah?”

“That… this.. Thank you”

Quartz smiled,

“Thank you baby,” she kissed his chest and then looked up at him again, “Why so serious?”

His face immediately smiled.

“Please don’t ever forget this” he begged himself.

“Can we stay long? Or will your mam be home soon?” Quartz asked, her eyes closed.

“No it’s fine. We can stay awhile. Just lie here with me and everything will be okay”

She smiled at the hopeful innocence of his words and thought of when they first met.

“God,” he continued, “It feels like we have forever”

“You’re delirious!” She laughed.

A few Minutes later Quartz forced herself to get up. She scrambled around the floor trying to untangle her clothes from his. He watched her from the bed.

“Why are you so beautiful?”

“Why does sex make you so drunk?” She laughed, finding her bra in one of his shoes and putting it on.

“Come here” he begged, motioning at her with his hands.

“But Matt, what if your mam comes home?”

“Please?!”

She gave up and flung a newly found sock back to where it had been hidden. He pulled back the duvet, reminding her of the absence of his clothes and , smiling, she lay down next to him.

He let the duvet fall down over the, and pulled her to him, nestling his face into that back of her hair, that somehow always smelled like rain.

“Okay,” Quartz began, “But only five minutes!”

And they both smiled then because they knew that they’d lie there, warm in each others arms, for hours.