K a i n e

by 江島ひとみ

Notice: Yeah, I know. Trimmed down another two chapters. Don't panic, I'm just being overly obsessive-compulsive XD

34 t e m p e r a n c e

So for someone like me who's never had a boyfriend before, you're probably wondering how I must be faring by now, considering of all people, it just had to be Ryou. Don't get me wrong. There's no grudge in that. I was still just trying to process that in my brain right now.

If I were to see this a long time ago, I would've thought the whole idea was impossible. Unthinkable. I mean, come on, the same passive-aggressive jerk who never opened his mouth except to grunt or insult? Yes, I clearly must've answered him for those reasons. And yes, I would've been dead if he was here to hear that.

After what had happened at the club that Friday evening, our first concern had been how to tell everyone. Of course, it was best to just let everyone know from the start. It would've been inevitable for the rest to find out anyway. Frankly, Shiine had been the only real problem. Knowing him, he was bound not to take everything easily.

"What about Kei?" I had asked as I sat on the couch in the living room of Ryou's apartment the following evening. "What do you think he'll say?"

"He already knows," Ryou muttered, slumping back to his seat. "He already talked to me about it, remember?"

"I guess," I pouted, staring at my socks. "And Yuu-chan's out of the question. He's been hounding me on this for a long time now."

I closed my eyes. Oh, the man would've loved it, and I bet all my money the first thing he would ask for was details. I wasn't mistaken.

"Soon you won't be the only virgin left in this band!" The man had rejoiced when I told him the following morning. I had whacked him passionately in the head for that.

"What?" Yuuichi snarled as he rubbed his head in pain. "Don't you know? Ryou's a sex fiend. Boy, you're going to be sore, I'm telling you now."

He had said all of this in casual, informative fashion, like a mother telling her daughter how things went in the bedroom with a man. At that moment I wasn't quite sure whether I wanted to kill him or ask for more advice. Oh, and don't stress the virgin part. I have no plans anytime soon. Wait, not soon. For a very long time, I mean.

"How are we going to tell this to Shin-chan?" I creased my forehead. "I can't even begin to imagine the look on his face when he finds out."

"We should tell him as soon as possible," Ryou murmured, staring at the ceiling back in his room. "He'll get over it faster that way."

"The quicker the better, right," I had found myself saying the moment Shiine sat down on the couch next to me back at the studio that afternoon a couple of days later.

"What's up, guys?" he innocently blinked. "You wanted to talk to me about something?"

Had I not been too panic-stricken then, I would've reveled in the fact that the first thing that had come out of my cousin's mouth had been absolutely priceless.

"Ryou, but I thought you loved me!!"

Shiine cleared his throat after some darkening began to form on his left eye, his expression completely changing.

"I should kill you right now for this, Ryou," he gravely frowned. "I didn't see this coming at all."

"You're not mad, are you?" I uneasily asked.

"I'm not, but I damn will if you mess with her, man," Shiine had warned, his gaze defiant on the other man. "Make one wrong move, and I swear I will have your head."

"Shin-chan," I wearily sighed. "I think that's a bit too much. I can take care of myself, you know."

"I trust you, Ryou," My cousin muttered under his breath. "You won't hurt her, won't you?"

"I won't," Ryou quietly replied.

I fell silent in my seat, uneasily shifting my feet on the floor as a short silence fell over the room.

"Anyway, Hitomi-chan," Shiine cleared his throat again, now facing me. "If he ever says he wants to do it without a condom, don't do it, okay? The urge will be really hard to fight, but you'll never know when you could get pregnant—"

Ryou's fist came flying to my cousin's face again, now earning him an equal black spot on his other eye. Seriously, what the hell was up with the sex?

Only with our manager did everything happen smoothly. I always found that perpetual smile on his face annoying, but for the first time, it was a breath of fresh air.

"I'm very glad to hear that," Matsuzaki had laughed, like he was just greeting a newlywed couple. "I've always wondered when you two would finally hook up."

"What?" I stared at our manager. "What do you mean? You saw this coming?"

"Of course," Matsuzaki pushed back his frameless eyeglasses, his spectacles gleaming eerily against the light. "All those photo shoots have paid off well."

"Wait a minute," I growled, my fingers extending and ready to land on his throat. "You mean all those things you made me wear and do were all on purpose?!"

"Maa, but look where you two are now," he heartily laughed as Ryou pulled me back when I attempted to jump on our manager and choke the life out of him. "Do the both of you plan to tell this to the public? To your fans?"

I fell silent as I looked at Ryou again.

"No," he said. "This will only be among us."

"Very well, then we must be careful in protecting your privacy as much as we can," The man smiled.

"Arigatou, Matsu," I smiled in return.

"Wasn't so bad, was it?" Ryou muttered as the both of us collapsed to the couch back at his apartment later that day.

"Yeah, I've thought worse," I grinned.

"Now there won't be any more problems," he murmured, putting an arm around my waist and pulling me closer to him. I felt a tingle down my spine as I felt his lips on my left shoulder.

"I guess," I said as I leaned against him. "But this is still weird."

"What is?" he quietly asked in my ear.

"You, as a boyfriend, and sitting with you like this," I replied, pursing my lips. "It just feels so strange."

"Because you never saw this coming?" he faintly smiled. "I guess I didn't either."

"Yeah, that," I shifted in my seat and faced him with a grin. "And the fact that you're supposed to be inhuman."

"Take that back," he muttered. I laughed as I moved to the other end of the sofa. He pulled on my right leg and started dragging me to him.

"No!" I laughed, trying to kick his hand off me. "Let me go!"

"I'll make you regret you ever said that," he smirked as he successfully pulled me to him again after several seconds of struggle. The next thing I knew, I was already lip-locked with him.

Now this part, on the other hand, didn't need any more getting used to.

xxxxx

DANGER: FALLING DEBRIS

It was the first thing I saw the moment I paused in front of the building of our recording company on a Tuesday morning a week later. For the last year and a half I've been working here, I'd known my second home as a small, gray building with an arc-shaped roof, with the sign 'Rokkuen Records' in faded, gold letterings. Now, I could see construction men everywhere, flocking the place in their hard hats and busy trying to erect two more upper floors to the building.

I remained sipping my carton of milk as I carefully proceeded to the main glass doors, deciding to head straight to the studio in the basement. Down one of the corridors along the way, I encountered the vocalist of Lucille and one of the guitarists of the Paper Dolls conversing with one another. I didn't really remember their names, and I wasn't quite sure I even mentioned their positions right as I exchanged curt nods with them. I had been so used to having only our band and Amaryllis around that I almost forgot we had two new bands to join our label recently. I had only entered the room on the way to the basement when I saw my cousin and Yuuichi lounging around on the sofa.

"Hey guys," I blinked, draining my milk carton empty. "Aren't we recording downstairs yet?"

"Are you kidding?" Shiine raised his eyebrows. "We can't possibly record right now with all this construction noise."

He said all of this in the middle of a long, drilling sound one floor above us.

"Right," I creased my forehead. "What's with all this renovation anyway?"

"Well the company is getting bigger," Yuuichi shrugged at the other end of the sofa. "They've decided to make another studio and more rooms upstairs to accommodate all of us."

"Oh, I see," I mused, sitting between them. "That makes sense."

"Where's your boyfriend?" The drummer asked.

I stared at him, irked at the title. "He has a name, you know. He's also your bandmate, if I'm not mistaken."

"Yeah, where's Ryou?" Shiine yawned, stretching his arms. "Kei's coming in late today."

"He dropped Rika-chan off to school," I said, eyebrows meeting. "Why is Kei coming in late today?"

"Called me this morning," My cousin closed one eye. "He has a nasty hangover."

Yuuichi reproachfully frowned. "I bet he went partying around last night again."

"He sure did," Shiine grinned.

"Is Hitomi-san here yet?" I heard our manager by the doorway. I turned to look at him.

"Oh, good," The man smiled. "Your new guitar's just arrived."

"Ooh, they're done with it?" Shiine sat up straighter in curiosity as I stood from the sofa. Matsuzaki entered the room, accompanying one of the staff who carried a guitar case in his hands. The case was carefully placed on the glass table in the middle of the room.

"Sweet," I breathed, opening the case as Yuuichi and my cousin huddled to my side to see the instrument. The face of my new guitar was a shocking, hot pink, the cut of its body razor-like as I admired the smooth, black neck of the ebony fingerboard. I had finally decided to get a new one, and had mine custom-made from a famous guitar maker. ESP Foxglove, it had been named, as part of the brand's artist series. I smiled as I took out the instrument from its case. It seemed like such a contradiction for me to own a pink one, of all colors, but the shade was just so shocking that I actually loved it.

"It's so cute!" I squealed, laughing. "I can't wait to play it."

"Man, it's so pink," Shiine stared at the guitar in my hands. "I think I'm going to go blind."

"It's so flashy it'll get anyone's attention," Yuuichi commented.

"I know," I grinned. "That's why I like it."

"Wow, I wanna scratch it," My cousin grinned.

"Just damn try," I snarled, moving my new guitar away from his reach. "And I'll smash yours on your head."

"Or worse, feel her boyfriend's wrath," Yuuichi added.

"Will you quit it?" I attempted to kick the drummer. He merely smirked at me in amusement. Tell me, why we didn't bother to keep this a secret again?

xxxxx

Please don't cry for me anymore
It's not your fault
It was meant to be this way
Don't make us remember
Our lost forever
Please smile for me again

I slowly removed the headphones from my ears as I nodded at Ryou in approval. "It's good. The arrangement was done well."

"Alright," he murmured, adjusting several buttons as we stood by the mixing board a couple of hours later. "I'll just polish this up then."

"Hey, teach me how to do that," I said, observing him tweak the huge mixing board in front of us. "I wanna try it too sometime."

"Don't bother, you'll just break it," he drawled.

"What? I will not!" I stared at him, scowling. "Whatever. I'll just ask Masuda-san then. Jerk."

Ryou smirked at me and flicked my nose. "Fine, I'll teach you later."

I grinned, rubbing my nose as I made my way back to the couches at the other side of the studio to join the rest. Kei and Shiine were exchanging another round of jokes as Yuuichi quietly fiddled with his cellphone at the other end of the sofa.

"Nice song, Kei," I smiled as I sat on the couch next to them. "Composition all yours?"

"Yeah," The man smiled in return, closing one eye. "Hey, don't say that. I was wasted while recording that."

"Yeah, your eyes are bloodshot," I creased my forehead upon noticing the redness of his eyes. "Are you alright?"

"Barely sober," Yuuichi rolled his eyes. "A miracle you managed not to slur your lyrics earlier."

"Cut me some slack, I had one hell of a hangover this morning," Kei grinned, slumping further to his seat and putting a hand to his forehead. "My head still hurts too."

"Where were you last night anyway?" I asked, reaching for a throw pillow.

"Went bar-hopping with some of my old buddies," he smirked. "You should try it too sometime. It's fun."

"Yeah man, those parties are just whacked," Shiine grinned. "Free booze and girls, hell yeah."

"I can imagine," I raised my eyebrows.

"Ah shit, I think my head's going to split into two," Kei groaned, burying a pillow to his face. "I should buy some more aspirin later."

"That's what you get for your free booze and girls," I shook my head.

"What? Can I help it?" The man lazily smiled. "Shoot me."

I merely rolled my eyes and threw him the pillow in my hands as we exchanged laughs.

xxxxx

"Okay, I think my left eardrum just busted."

I winced as I put a finger to my ear and rubbed it. Ryou glanced at me as we continued walking down the empty street along downtown Meguro the following Thursday evening.

"Like you haven't been in a gig before," he snorted. "And you do play in a band, don't you?"

"Hey, I was standing right next to the speaker!" I spat out. "What do you expect?"

Ryou merely shook his head as I rolled my eyes. Do excuse the man for his poor manners tonight. We had gone out to watch several bands in this small bar called the Yellow Room, where as Ryou informed me, housed many starting groups every night for the last two years. It was also his idea of a first date, nevermind the fact that my left ear just seemed to get shattered in the process.

"We've played here several times before," He had looked around the jam-packed room when the first band of the night began playing. "There are some good bands here. Sometimes, even producers come here to scout for new talent. This is where Matsu found us."

"A lot of those bands have potential," I said as we arrived near one of the city's harbors shortly after the show. I rested my arms on the railings as I overlooked the bay before us. "They deserve to get discovered too. It must be hard, starting from the bottom and trying to make your way up like that."

"Every band has to start that way, I think," he said.

"How was it like for you guys?" I asked, looking at him. "While you were still beginning and all?"

"Really tough," Ryou kept his gaze at the other end of the bay. "We always had to make ends meet. We barely had the money to rent out places to play in, and our gigs were always near-empty."

I frowned as I rested my chin on my arm. "Sometimes I feel like I'm too lucky not to have experienced that. I feel like I should've gone through that too."

"You are lucky," he murmured with a sigh. "But it's better off that you didn't. It was really hard then, even for us."

"I just thought I'd feel more deserving if I did, that's all," I shrugged with a pout.

Ryou smirked at me. "You don't feel deserving?"

"Yeah, this is my inferiority complex talking, so shut up," I muttered, rolling my eyes.

He put a hand to my head as the cool, evening breeze brushed past us. "You did your part. You do deserve it."

I smiled. I had only continued observing the many bright lights from the distant buildings in silence when I suddenly felt my cellphone vibrate inside my pocket. I took out the ringing mobile from the back of my jeans and slightly creased my forehead. Yuuichi was calling.

"Hello?" I answered. "What is it, Yuu-chan?"

"What?!" I stared at Ryou in surprise. The man raised his eyebrows at me. "Where are you guys right now??"

"Nishi-Shinjuku, second district station?" I anxiously repeated. "Got it. Alright, we'll be right there!"

"What is it?" Ryou creased his forehead in confusion. "What happened?"

"It's Kei," I whispered. "He got arrested."

"What?" he growled in disbelief. "For what??"

"I have no freaking idea," I muttered as the both of us began to look for the nearest cab in sight. An hour later we finally arrived at the police station, and I could only stare at the man before me in disbelief as Kei was escorted by a police officer out of the cell. Turns out he had been arrested for getting into a brawl in a nearby club, and anyone could tell the man clearly still wasn't himself the way he strongly reeked of smoke and alcohol.

"Kei, what the hell is going on?" I walked up to him, staring at him incredulously. "You just got yourself arrested!"

"I know, I'm sorry," he groaned, rubbing his temples. "But that bastard tried to pick a fight first..."

"Look, Kei-san," Our manager creased his forehead in distress. "I've spoken with the club manager and I understand what happened, but please, don't get yourself into trouble again. It will be difficult enough patching up controversy like this."

"Looks like you've had one too many parties tonight, chum," Shiine sighed, putting his hands to his sides.

"I just hope your mug shot doesn't spread out or something," Yuuichi shook his head.

"Anyway, I need to get this fixed," Matsuzaki wearily said. "And hush up any publicity on this as possible."

"Let's go home, man," My cousin put an arm around a still inebriated Kei. "You're wasted like hell. Boy, you're gonna hate yourself tomorrow."

"Sorry," Kei murmured with a hiccup as Shiine began accompanying him out of the station. He passed by Ryou, who had been silent the whole time. I didn't really know what he was thinking then, but by the way his face looked forebodingly passive, anyone knew he definitely wasn't happy. Then again, who was?

xxxxx

"So, how's your first week with your boyfriend?"

I averted my gaze from the window and rolled my eyes at the brown-haired lad in front of me. Yuuichi merely simpered at me in amusement as we sat in a local coffee shop the following Saturday afternoon.

"What am I? Your case study?" I snorted as I took a sip of my chai latte. "Stop asking me. I'm still alive, and apparently, so is he."

"That's good to hear," he smirked as he folded his arms on the table. He brought his gaze to the window as well. "You know, I'm worried about Kei."

I frowned as I slowly put down my cup. "Me too."

"He's been making a complete mess of himself lately," The man sighed, slowly shaking his head. "I don't even know if he still knows what he's doing anymore."

"I was really surprised when you called me that night," I muttered. Word had gotten out of the incident and ended up in the tabloid magazines the following day, but Matsuzaki had managed not to get the controversy out of hand and thankfully shushed out most of it. "I didn't think he'd get into that kind of trouble."

"I think you should talk to him," Yuuichi quietly said.

"Me?" I looked at him. "Why me?"

"Don't you think," He kept his gaze to the flower shop from across the street. "Kei is doing all these things for a reason?"

"I don't know," I pursed my lips. "I don't even know why he would."

"He's not alright, Hitomi-chan," Yuuichi heavily sighed. "He can hardly manage himself, and I can't possibly think of any other reason."

I fell silent and stared at my simmering cup of coffee.

"No," I whispered, creasing my forehead. "I thought it was going to be okay. He looked okay. He was laughing and all..."

"He only seems like it, Hitomi-chan," He worriedly frowned at me. "But he's not okay at all."

"It came to my mind," I said, putting a hand to my forehead as I closed my eyes. "I wondered if maybe it was my fault, but I didn't know. I really thought everything was going to be fine."

Yuuichi fell silent. I returned my gaze to the window.

"I'll talk to him," I murmured. "Things can still go back to the way they were, right?"

The drummer remained unresponsive. I closed my eyes again. It was a question I feared to answer myself.

xxxxx

"Oh my God, I hope he's going to be okay. You think he'll be alright in there?"

I looked like a mother fussing over her child as I continued walking down the street the following evening. I turned to look behind me again and worriedly creased my forehead at the veterinarian's clinic at the other end of the block.

"You saw him, he's already alright," Ryou drawled, placing his hands inside his pockets. "The doctor only said he should stay the night there just in case."

"But he doesn't like cold surfaces," I wailed, pausing in my tracks as I looked at him in distress. "I saw the cage he was put in, and it looked really cold. He can't sleep that way."

"Hitomi," Ryou sighed. "Ham's going to be fine. The doctor fixed him up already, remember?"

"I know," I groaned as I slowly resumed walking. My pig didn't look too well this morning with a bloated belly and a stiff tail, and when he had started crying a couple of hours ago, I had rushed him to the nearest clinic, the vet telling me his intestines simply got 'jumbled together' from 'moving too much' and thus causing him great discomfort. This was much to my relief, and somehow, the sight of Ryou when he followed into the clinic shortly after I had told him.

"Thanks again for coming," I sniffed by the time we had gone past the second block. "You shouldn't have."

"I was just at the studio," Ryou muttered with a shrug. "But it's a good thing he's okay now."

We were only about to continue on our way when something caught the corner of my eye. Squinting, I creased my forehead when I thought I saw someone familiar.

"Hey," I raised my eyebrows. "Isn't that Kei?"

Ryou turned to look at the direction. There at the other side of the street was Kei, taking out his keys from his pocket as he made his way to his car. He had noticed us when we crossed the intersection, and stood in his tracks as he paused halfway in entering his keys inside his car. I was only about to greet him when I realized he had stepped out from a bar.

"Yo, fancy seeing you two here," he began with a grin.

"Yo, drinking again, aren't we?" Ryou drawled without preamble. The smile decreased faintly from Kei's lips.

"Hey, don't look at me like that," he lightly chuckled. "I'm not drunk tonight."

"What the hell are you doing?" Ryou narrowed his eyes. "Look at you, you're acting like you didn't get arrested three days ago."

"Ryou," I murmured, creasing my forehead as I put a hand to his arm.

"Oi, I'm not doing anything wrong, am I?" The man raised his hands in the air. "Can't I even go out for a drink anymore? You're out for the night with your girlfriend. Why can't I do something sweet for myself too?"

I fell unresponsive again as I felt the muscles tense on Ryou's arm.

"Anyway, I'm running late," Kei whistled, opening the car door. "Still gotta meet up with some of the guys."

"And get yourself into trouble again?" Ryou snarled. "Go home."

"Fuck this, man," The other man clucked his tongue in irritation, putting a hand to his side. "Am I supposed to take orders now? I can't believe this."

"Yeah, me neither," Ryou muttered. "Fix yourself, Kei. You're a mess."

Kei dryly chuckled, looking at the both of us. He shook his head.

"You know what, I'll do just that," he imperturbably said. He stepped inside his car and drove off without another word. I could only watch the vehicle disappear down the road with a frown, and remembered Yuuichi's words from yesterday afternoon.

He's not alright, Hitomi-chan. He only seems like it, but he's not okay at all.

"Let's go," Ryou began walking again. I blinked, catching up with him.

"Where are we going?" I asked. I looked at him and fell silent at the mutinous expression on his face.

"I'm walking you home," He almost barked out his reply. I inwardly winced. He was definitely angry, and God knows dealing with an angry Ryou was never easy. We didn't talk for the rest of our journey, and by the time we had arrived at my apartment twenty minutes later, I could only watch him in apprehension as he leaned by the wall with his hands inside his pockets. He remained ominously silent.

"Um, would you like some tea or anything?" I ungraciously offered. Ryou averted his gaze to me. I nearly flinched in my stance.

"Look, about what happened," I blurted out, trying to find a way to console him. "You shouldn't mind that kind of thing—"

"Shut up," he muttered, cutting me off. I stared at him in surprise. He suddenly grabbed me by the arm and pulled me close to him, bringing his lips to mine in a feverishly long kiss. I fell breathless as he leaned me against the wall, his hand moving inside my shirt. I groaned at the feel of his fingers and put a hand to his shoulder in apprehension, but his mouth was hot and demanding on my skin as he trailed his kisses down my neck.

"Ryou," I breathed, trying to push him away. "Stop..."

"No," he growled, unclasping the hook at my back. "I'll stop when I want to."

He kissed me again, long and passionate, and everything became a delirious haze before me. His strong hands kept me immobile, and I could feel the rigidity of him against me as he lifted my shirt higher and remained ignoring my words.

He rested his forehead against mine, putting a hand to my waist in the silence of the room.

"Sorry," he murmured, closing his eyes.

My breathing began to slow down as my hands remained on his shoulders. "I thought you weren't going to stop."

"Me too," he smirked, lightly kissing me again. "I think you should avoid me beyond closed doors."

"Like right now," I uneasily laughed and slowly pushed him away. He took a step back and let me go as I leaned away from the wall.

"I better go," he muttered, scratching his head. "I still have to return to the studio."

"Okay," I quietly said as he began to head to the door. "Look, about earlier..."

"Don't say anything," he quietly said. "It's okay. I'll call you later."

I watched him walk down the hallway outside and disappear inside the elevator before I softly closed the door behind me. I leaned to its surface and stared at the ceiling, sliding down to the floor with a shaky breath. I closed my eyes and buried my face in my hands. My life should have a hand brake I could pull anytime I wanted to.

xxxxx

2508 was a nice number. Yes, nice and shiny in its fancy, gold numberings that for the whole time I'd been standing here, I practically must've memorized every curve and detail of it. Sighing, I stared at the paper bag of cinnamon rolls in my hand. The pastry must've gone cold by now. Whoever must've been monitoring the cameras down this hallway watching me deliberate whether I should ring the doorbell or not to Kei's apartment must've gone bored by now too. It was two days later on a late Tuesday morning, and as to why I was here standing by the door of his place, I was getting to that too. I've been standing here for the last ten minutes, if I could remember, and the same amount of time to muster up all that courage as I finally rang the doorbell and nervously waited for a response.

The door opened a few moments later. The premeditated smile on my face significantly lessened as a serious-looking Kei greeted me.

"Hitomi-chan," he sternly frowned, crossing his arms. "What are you doing here?"

"Can't I drop by anymore?" I creased my forehead, raising the paper bag in my hands. "I brought cinnamon rolls?"

The expression on his face didn't change.

"Are you going to let me in or not?" I asked when he remained unmoving by the doorway.

"Does Ryou know you're here?"

I pushed the door open and let myself in anyway. "No."

"Look," he said, closing the door behind him as I placed the paper bag on a nearby table. "I don't think right now's a good idea. I'm kinda busy."

"Right, too busy to skip a recording session yesterday," I nonchalantly replied, facing him as I leaned by the window.

Kei wearily looked at me and sighed when I showed no intention of leaving. I was worried to find him probably wasted with everything all over the place when I visited him, but thankfully, he seemed nowhere near wasted today in his aftershave, and his flat remained a spotless white as I remembered it.

"I came here to talk to you," I quietly said.

Kei walked to the kitchens and took out a bottle of water from the refrigerator. "About what?"

"About this," I murmured, looking at him. "About you."

He remained holding the half-empty bottle in his hand. "What about me?"

"Come on, Kei. You've been drinking, getting into trouble," I creased my forehead. "And now you're skipping work with us too."

The man leaned by the refrigerator and idly blinked at me. "Your point?"

"God damn it, Kei," I snarled in irritation. "What the hell is going on with you?"

He remained silent. I slowly shook my head.

"I've been thinking, maybe this is my fault," I quietly said, staring at the floor. "But I don't want you to become like this."

"Do you think this is about you?" he replied. I looked at him again. He had a wry smile on his face. I fell unresponsive as he walked to the middle of the room and approached me.

"What do you think?" he asked, placing a hand on the windowsill behind me. "Do you think I can still feel the same whenever I see you and him together now?"

I looked back into those dark gray depths. All the pent-up anguish had resurfaced in them as he narrowed his eyes at me.

"You know, if I could put all the blame on you, I would," he quietly said. "But I'm still not over you, and I guess that's my problem already."

I stared at the floor again, unable to look back at him anymore.

"Do understand me, this is just my own way of coping," he dryly chuckled. "Just give me some more time, and I'll find someone else to replace you, ne?"

I could feel a heavy lump forming in my chest. My ears began to ring from his last words.

"So that's it?" I shakily said. I forced out a laugh. "We'll just end from here?"

"Well what else can we be?" he scoffed. "You and I know things will never be the same anymore."

"Don't say that!" I vehemently replied. "Why can't it be?!"

"Bullshit, Hitomi," he laughed, shaking his head as he stared me down in derision. "What do you want us to be then? Friends?"

"I can't believe you," I cried in disbelief as I pushed him away from me. "I don't even know you anymore."

Kei slowly ran a hand through his hair in frustration and channeled his angry gaze to his side.

"You think I haven't been trying?" he growled. "I've been waking up every morning to a headache I can hardly bear just to forget about you. I've been screwing myself over, Hitomi, and I can't think of any other way to deal with it, so give me a fucking break!"

My vision began to get blurry. I curled up my shaking hands to my sides.

"I don't want this to happen again," The tears were hot on my cheeks. "You left without telling us, and now it's going to be the same. You'll leave us again, and when you don't come back..."

Kei fell silent. I began to break down as I buried my face in my hands. I was so afraid, angry, and guilty at the same time that I could hardly breathe from my tears. My shoulders shook as I fought to calm myself down, but I couldn't. I didn't want him to drift away from me. I didn't want to lose him.

"I won't leave you, damn it," he snarled, pulling me close. I buried my face to his chest. "I never wanted this to happen either, but I'm trying. I really am."

"Don't try this way," I sobbed. He put a hand to my head and kissed me on the forehead.

"I know," he whispered, holding me tighter in his arms. "Damn it, I should be the one crying here, not you."

"Sh-shut up, it's not like I want to cry," I hiccupped.

"I've made you cry again," he awkwardly creased his forehead, wiping away the tears on my cheeks. "Gomen ne."

"Baka," I sniffed back all the snot on my nose. "Well, I'm being very ungraceful right now. I hope that makes you feel better."

Kei let out a small smile and ruffled my hair. "Come on, stop crying. Let's eat those cinnamon rolls you brought, what do you say?"

I sniffed again as he walked me to the kitchens. I slowly sat down on one of the chairs.

"Here's my step number one," he faintly smiled as he took out two mugs. "Coffee like nothing's happened. What do you say?"

"Good enough," I hiccupped again. Kei merely shook his head once more with a small laugh as he began preparing coffee for the both of us. Bittersweet, but that's what small steps were like: an acquired taste that always took time before you learned to appreciate them.

to be continued

"Regret" lyrics by sakurazuki

A/N: No, no, this isn't a mirage you're seeing. It's a real update, whether you believe it or not! My very first update for the year 2008, hallelujah! Goodness, three months and I think my readers have gone rabid on me. Anyway, a miracle I managed to haul something in here, but as I would quote Kei's own words, I'm trying, I really am XD Feedback on this chapter will be very much appreciated, since this is a pretty crucial point in the story. That, and I think I must be losing touch. Ohnoes. Usual words of love to my readers and reviewers. Those drabbles do help to pass the time by while you're too impatient waiting for an update. Haha. Peace out and hopefully returning in a moon. Less than two moons, I'll try! Keep the Kaine love XD