Once upon a time, (right about now would be a good time to diverge from the storyline a bit. It should be noted here that no one really knows what 'once upon a time' means, except that no one really knows when 'once upon a time' is because no one knows what it means, except that no one really knows when once upon a time is. . .well, you get the idea. The point is, though, that I cannot begin this story without going a long way back. Since we need to go a long way back within the 'once upon a time' timespan, and we don't know when that is (or how far we have to go back, for that matter) the story will just have to take place 'once upon a time, once upon a time' for the greatest temporal accuracy.)

Perhaps I should just start over.

Once upon a time once upon a time in a land far, far away. . .there was a land far, far away. It was a land covered in rolling green hills, lush green forests, and fluffy green bunnies, except the bunnies were white instead of green. It was a land of plenty and a land of civilization, except there was really only plenty of stupidity, and the civilization that they had. . .well, it would fit very nicely into a small plastic cup.

So once upon a time (within the timespan of the 'once upon a time' that the land exists in) someone got it into his head that he absolutely must have some power and a castle. So one day (within the 'once upon a time' timespan, you remember, which is in. . .well, if you haven't gotten it yet, you're not going to get it anytime soon. Not within the timespan of the story, anyway) he decided to give up his rabbit farm, Jade Jumper Creek, where he made his living selling green rabbits. Now, I know it was mentioned earlier on that the rabbits were white and not green. But you see, they were only green when people painted them for Easter, except Easter didn't exist in this land and timespan, which made the people very stupid, and the rabbits very confused and very, very white.

So when reality sunk in and he realized he just wasn't making any money off of selling green rabbits on a nonexistent holiday, he up and built a castle, making sure to cave in all the green rabbit lairs he could find, just out of spite. Except of course there weren't any green rabbits, which is one of the reasons I mentioned earlier on that there was plenty of stupidity in this land.

Jacob the Jade he was called, and when the castle was built and finished, he began to fancy the idea of calling himself King Jacob, disposing of the Jade bit so he could permanently erase his rabbit-selling days from the shallow recesses of his memory. Unfortunately, his Official Royal Banner-Crafter, (who was a childhood rival, but nobody remembered it in time) made a huge economy set of royal banners to be hung about the castle throne room that were the exact shade of jade that King Jacob so despised. Upon being questioned, the Banner-Crafter (who also claimed to lack proper hearing, along with the ability to let go of childhood grudges) insisted that the king had specified jade, and not gray, and what did his Royal Highness mean, that he should be thrown from the tallest tower of the castle, and who were these people with pointy objects and a distinct lack of trampolines coming to take him away-

Well, it turned out that the king's brilliance did not lie in architecture (in fact, it is a matter of great debate whether his brilliance lay anywhere, except on the floor in a drunken stupor, taking a very long nap) and the tallest tower of the castle was no more than five feet off of the ground, therefore minimizing the injuries and other grievances of the Banner-Crafter to a hangnail and arriving late to a dental appointment.

The days passed, and the king, who was as frugal and stingy as anything due to his previous monetary status, refused to buy another economy pack from his former childhood rival the Banner-Crafter, and was therefore forced to live and conduct abysmally idiotic kingly affairs in his jade-filled glory for a very, very long time.

By now he thought he was in the habit of spontaneously getting wonderful ideas into his head, and also thought that he should keep it up. His subjects (other equally stupid former rabbit sellers) thought so too, and were greatly disappointed when he instead announced that he would marry, and choose his bride in a fashion that in the future would surely not be warped horrendously and turned into a terribly misguided fairytale.

From the farthest kingdoms far, far, away (which confused many of the people, who were under the impression that they were the ones who were far, far away) he summoned all young maidens to a lavish ball at the castle, promising to dance with all who came, and choose his bride from among them. Hundreds of eligible girls showed up, eager to have a good time and a lot of food, and to dance with King Jacob.

Of course, this was not the case. King Jacob actually hid in a broom closet while a decoy danced with all the attendees, and another one (who was careful not to bump into the first and his partners) was instructed to search for the most 'eligible' maiden and seize her. He did, except the most eligible maiden there was made of wax and a practical joke. So he grabbed the girl responsible for the wax statue instead, and the king married her as a punishment.

Time passed some more, as it is wont to do when nothing much else happens, and the queen bore her husband a baby girl, looked at it, screamed, and promptly died. There was nothing particularly unusual about the baby, but the queen thought it was a darned good excuse, and no one could accuse her of anything anyway once she was dead.

Some more time passed in which nothing interesting happened except for a few earthquakes and a few deaths, both of which were caused by some kids throwing wet rocks into fire outside the village and not running away fast enough. The baby girl grew up tragically, on account of being told all her life that her mother died in childbirth instead of on purpose. Well, she only grew up tragically according to the people who left flowers on the castle steps every day to express their sorrow and sympathy. The princess was not partial to the flowers because they sent her parrot-bill, the flower of small talk, mistaking it for sea-lavender, the flower of sympathy. But after all, flowers are flowers and flowers must be displayed, and they went well with the jade, anyway.

The tragic (according to her people) princess became a lovely young woman who never raised her voice at small fluffy animals or killed anyone (anyone important, anyway) or anything like that. She was know to have a fondness for adventure and the color jade, because it annoyed her father and complimented her flowers. No one really knows where the adventure part came from, but a few suspected that it came from the rabbits.

If it was from the rabbits, they sure got her into as much trouble as they did her father. She ended up dedicating her life to hunting down and killing dragons, which actually didn't exist until she thought them up. She could have thought of thinking them up with some good traits too, however, because they ended up killing her instead as she was walking alone in the field, methodically stepping on all the rabbit tunnels she could find.

Rumor has it among her ever-loyal and perhaps more-than-occasionally stupid subjects that the dragon actually was going for the very distinctly white rabbit, and that the tragic and brave princess heroically threw herself in front of the quivering animal, saving its life. What actually happened, of course, is that the rabbit tried to trip her in protest of her squashing his rabbit holes, and the princess fell on him just as the dragon charged.

The rest, as they say, is history (though we don't actually know that, as we don't know when this story takes place.) The king, coincidentally, died at precisely the same moment, and it was widely believed that the bond between father and daughter was so great that they even entered the realm of death side by side.

(Later on they found out that he actually died of poisoning when they accidentally dug up his grave in search of the now mythical green rabbits. No one knows who was responsible, though many suspect the Banner-Crafter.)

There really isn't a moral to this story, unless you count "Don't be stupid" or "Never sell green rabbits" or "Never forget the face of your childhood nemesis". But one thing you might take away from this is that if you ever suspect that you may be living in once upon a time, do us all a favor and write down the date.

Or at least make sure any stories from that time period are properly forgotten instead.