V. Kasticana

Running. Running through a sea of flowers, flying with the wind. I want to come with you, I want to hold you in my arms and never let you go. This smile of mine has never been so fresh without you there to help it shine. That’s why…I’m running to you. Flower petals are falling all around me. I call out your name in an echo, holding my arms out to catch you. I’m running, I’m coming for you…How long have I been running? Hurry, hurry, my smile is fading. What are these tears? Why can’t I come to you…You’re so far away. I collapse into the field of flowers, crying out your name, screaming it with every sense of despair. As the sound of my voice fades away, I look down at my hands. These hands, these arms, that so wanted to hold you and to never let go…are covered in blood. It’s running. Running down my hands, down my arms, down my face. I’m swimming in a sea of blood now. Whose…whose blood? I can hardly breathe anymore. I see your sorrowful reflection…I see it in the blood. This blood…can it be yours? What have I done?

----

“No!” I cried, sitting up. Irica was sitting beside me, looking at me with wide-eyes. With an increasing heart beat, I noticed that I was drenched in something. Blood? No, it was water—sweat. I closed my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing, and then opened my eyes once more. I was in my hut, lying on my bed with Irica watching over me. I looked down at myself, realizing that my shirt had been removed. I gazed into crackling fire, trying to recollect my memories. What happened to me? Oh, yes. I fell ill. I closed my eyes, remembering Akina helping me back home, Irica’s worried expression. What else? The girl. I opened my eyes, staring at the fire once more. I remember…I felt as if I were burning when I laid my eyes on her. Even now, I could still feel the heat closing around my heart, suppressing it and suffocating it. I glanced up, feeling Irica’s stare. Beside her was a basin filled with water, as well as a cloth. Her hands were clasped together, as if she had constantly wrung them while I was sleeping. There was also a bowl beside my bed, with soup that was still steaming slightly. Finally, I returned Irica’s gaze.

“…Lay back down, Esuigi,” she said quietly. I felt a pang of guilt when I heard her. I knew that she was worried about me and I felt as if I should take the blame for that. “You’re sick…you need rest.” I glanced out the window; it was dark already. How long have I been sleeping? I looked back at Irica, who had picked up the wash cloth and dipped it into the basin. She wrung it out then dabbed it on my forehead gently after I lay back down. There was silence in the room all but for the crackling fire. When I tried to speak, I realized that my voice was still hoarse.

“I’m sorry...,” I managed to whisper. Irica looked at me, but her expression did not change.

“There’s no need to be sorry. It’s not your fault,” she said shortly and firmly. “Are you hungry?” She set the wash cloth down, reaching for the bowl on her other side. I shook my head, but stopped quickly. It hurt if I moved my head too much.

“…You…did you eat?” I looked at her pale face. “Don’t…worry about me so much. It’s…not that bad.” As much as I would try to keep Irica from worrying over me, I knew that I wouldn’t succeed. Irica could look right past my words, knowing that I was only saying them for her sake.

“Stop talking, brother,” Irica said with a hint of impatience in her voice. “I’m worried about you,” she added, softening her voice. “You have a fever and you’ve been sleeping for two days already.” I frowned. Two days? How did she manage without me? “And I know what you’re thinking,” she said, breaking into my thoughts. “I did just fine without you.” She smiled. “I even worked hard and harvested the best vegetables from our patch so I could put it in your soup”, she said. This time, I struggled to sit up.

“What? Why did you do that?” I looked at her then glanced at the soup that was set by my bed.

“Relax, Esuigi. We can always grow some more. Lay down.”

“But it takes time to grow them! You shouldn’t have wasted them on me,” I argued, though truly startled by Irica’s solid ability to manage without me. Young children her age—they weren’t supposed to worry about things like she is!

“I’m not wasting them, Esuigi! They’re for you! It’s either those vegetables or your health! I’d choose you any day!”

“But what about you? You need to stay healthy, too!”

“You need it more than I do right now!” Irica stood up, glaring down at me. “I’m trying to take care of you, Esuigi! I don’t want anything to happen to you!”

“I don’t want anything to happen to you, either.”

Irica stood over me for a long time as if trying to sort out her emotions. At last, she spoke. “For once, Esuigi…just once—let me take care of you.” At this, I quieted, not knowing how to answer to that. Fortunately, the quiet did not last for there was a soft knocking at our door at that exact moment. Irica and I looked towards the door. Irica sighed and looked at me once more. “Please, Esuigi,” she said again, then turned to answer the door.

From the bed, I could not see who was at the door but I did not have long to wait. Irica stepped aside, letting in Akina, closing the door behind her. Akina glanced around the room for a second and her eyes fell on me. She smiled and came to my bed, sitting down on the floor beside it. Instead of following suit, Irica went over to the fire to feed more wood into it. Slowly, I laid back down and smiled up at Akina. “Hello,” I said hoarsely.

“Hi,” she said, smiling. “Are you feeling better?” She cast a worried glance over me. That guilty feeling came rushing back to me. Akina was worried, too. That’s not what I wanted.

“Yeah, I’m…just fine,” I said. “How…have you been?” I studied her face. It didn’t look like she slept for the two days that I did. Akina waved a hand as if to brush away the question.

“Oh, you know, like always. Oh yes, I almost forgot,” she reached into her cloak and produced a necklace. Grinning at me, she held reached over and gently dropped it in my hand. I closed my fist around it then brought it up to my eyes for a better look at it.

The necklace was woven together with the tall grass that Akina must have taken from the field by the village. The different threads weaved in an out of each other, twisting in unexpected and graceful ways. There were smooth white pebbles lined along the necklace, polished to a gleam. At the end of the necklace hung a thin black oyster shell, which was uneven at the edges. The black surface shone as it was mixed with rainbow colors that flashed across the surface when held at an angle. On the shell was a skillfully carved star symbol with rays of right protruding from all sides.

I gently rubbed the shell with my thumb, as if it would bring me good luck. Smiling, I lifted my head slightly and slipped it on then dropped my hand back to my side. “It’s beautiful, Akina,” I said softly. I was starting to feel dizzy again and so decided not to speak for awhile. In the few moments of silence between Akina and me, only the sound of Irica moving about the hut could be heard. As I lay on my bed of straw, I gazed up into Akina’s face, smiling with a great feeling of gratitude towards her. Looking very uncomfortable under my gaze, Akina fixed her eyes at her hands, which were clasped together on her lap. Perhaps it was simply the glow of the firelight but I could almost swear that I saw her blushing. I moved my hand to lightly touch hers when the dream that I had had earlier suddenly flashed across my mind. I quickly withdrew and shut my eyes, frowning slightly. It’s only a dream.

I opened my eyes once more when I heard Akina get up from beside me. I gazed up at her again, eyes questioning. “Going so soon?” I managed to say. Akina looked me in the eyes, smiling. “I’m sorry. My parents will be angry if they find out that I’m out so late.” Once more, I saw the glint of worry in her eyes. Something inside me stirred.

“It’s okay,” I said. “Come back soon?”

Akina grinned, herself once more. “You know it.” With that, she nodded her good bye to Irica and walked out of the hut.

----

From long hours trying to persuade Irica to let me go back to working, I managed to escape from the confinements of our little home. After I reseeded our little patch of garden, I made my way towards the river to catch our meals for the day. After trying to keep my mind off that dazzling encounter with the golden haired girl, I decided that five fairly large fish were more than enough of a catch for the day. Besides, I wasn’t planning on eating too much. My appetite hasn’t been doing well since I’d fallen ill. Wiping the sweat that had accumulated on my forehead with the back of my hand, I whistled a weak tune as I headed back towards the hut in the scorching heat.

I tried my best to walk beneath the shade of the trees that stood along the wide dirt path that connected the river to the village. Beneath that shade, the scorching glare of the sun was reduced to just an atmosphere of heat and a drowsy breeze blowing softly in my face. Shifting the weight of the fish, my mind began to wander.

Daytime isn’t my favorite time of the day, I confirmed. It was too hot, especially here. We’re lucky that we’re close enough to the ocean to catch that ocean breeze, but not enough to keep us cool during the day. What if I lived somewhere else? He dared to question. What if we lived somewhere beautiful and somewhere where the weather wasn’t always pounding down on you with heat? What if I lived somewhere where it snowed? Winter nights, he thought, I imagine being clear and mysterious, with an inky blue sky just dotted with millions of those glittering stars and constellations, gazing down at you with uninterrupted attention… I smiled to myself. What a dream that would be.

At my return, Irica scolded me relentlessly and told me to wash off. Apparently I was pale and looked sickly, though I didn’t feel it. Letting her usher me out of the hut, I strolled my way to the small bathing springs that was set near the ocean. I liked to bathe when the springs were empty and today, luck was with me. Though it was a clear day and ideal for a nice cool bath, there was nothing but the gently rippling water in the foaming pool as a waterfall emptied itself into it. Pulling off my clothes, I sank into the water and sighed, looking up. For today, nothing interrupted the light blue sky, not even the wisp of a cloud. The sky was so peaceful in the day, yet… It was empty. Even with the white puffy clouds that formed into such lovely shapes, they were only white, and most of the time, shapeless. What is it about the day that leaves me so empty, let at the same time, overwhelmed? There was too much heat, yet the sky was too empty. There was too much light in the day, yet I adore the light of the moon and the stars.

Lost in thought, I didn’t realize that I was being watch. Suddenly aware of a pair of eyes watching me, I looked down from the view of the sky and around. My heart nearly skipped a beat when my eyes fell upon the face that I’ve been both dreading and hoping to see. It was the girl, with the same cerulean eyes, the color of the sea and sky at its purest, whose fair, honey touched face was framed with golden locks. Even as I sat in the cool springs, I felt myself sweat beneath her gaze. Her cool yet searing as rested upon me, as if there were no shame behind watching me while I bathed. For what seemed like an eternity, she watched me steadily. At last, she spoke, with a voice that made me feel as if I wanted to melt like wax on that very spot. It was pleasing yet at the same time, suffocating. I found myself trying to catch my breath, as I had felt two days earlier, before I went down with a fever. “My name is Kasticana,” she said, her voice unbearably melodic.

I opened my mouth to speak, but my throat was parched. “My--,” I said hoarsely, and then closed my mouth and swallowed painfully. Kasticana watched me with steady eyes. “You’re the village outcast, Esuigi.” Despite how much I wanted to argue, I wanted to agree so badly, because her words sounded so clear and true. “Am I wrong?” I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. As if she knew that I couldn’t she continued on without me answering, her eyes never leaving my face. “I’ve been watching you.” I swear I could feel my heart thudding against my rib cage, aching at her blinding beauty. She took a few delicate steps forward, leaning against a rock next to the pool. “That’s wrong of them… So very wrong of them,” she said, almost as if her word were law. For a moment, I felt as if it was. Only for a moment. “There’s something special about you, Esuigi.” She spoke my name so perfectly, I felt as if my ears couldn’t believe that the name belonged to me. “Your aura is mysterious…,” she trailed off, watching me closely.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I wanted to. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. I mustn’t. She’s going to drive me insane, I realized. But then, a voice retorted, if she were driving you insane, how are you able to realize it? My thoughts were a jumbled mess. I couldn’t think straight. The only thing that I could depend on was the sight of her, so dazzlingly beautiful, but so…!

It took my a few moments to realize that she was gone. Blinking black spots from my vision, a inhaled deeply, closing my eyes and sank beneath the water to clear my head.