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A:N: Hey everyone good to be posting some original stuff! Okay a quick little thing then on to the story!
THIS IS MY PRIDE AND JOY PEOPLE! MY NOVEMBER 2004 NANOWRIMO! (National Novel Writting Month) WINNER! 50,000 PLUS WORDS! 29 DAYS! WHO NEEDS 30 DAYS?
Dedicated to:
The Real Isis: For believin and supportin this! Can't wait for the High Life! And of course you were always there for Athena.
Amy: Yeah this is a product of your fault! If you had never told me about NaNoWriMo I woulda never wrote this! But I'm glad you did make me write this! It helped so much!
AND
The Real Ilea: I know he'll never read this, but he's the heart and soul behind the Dying Goddess. Thanks, in that weird kinda sense!
A DYING GODDESS
"I am driving up 85 in the kind of morning that last all afternoon."
How fitting, currently I was driving up Route 85 to my mountain outlook five miles away from home. It was hard to tell if this early six o' clock morning was going to last all afternoon. Even if it did, I wouldn't know, I wouldn't be here. I was going to keep well on my promise to Ilea:
"I swear to almighty God, Ilea, if your not here by my side, I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to go on alone any longer."
I was pretty certain at that moment that I'd be able to go on. So when the bricks fell I was ready and told him I'd be fine. Truth is I'm not fine, I'm anything, but fine. I had to stop this life, it's way too far out there! I thought I'd be able to change his mind and go on, but I can't I'm stuck. I have been that way for the last two years of my life. So within the last year I've been plotting a horrific sin, the darkest of the dark. I was aiming for my haven where I would end my life by sky diving with no strings attached from lofty mountain grandeur. In short I was going to take my own life. Wait, now before everyone reading my tale starts yelling, yeah, yeah, I know I should reconsider, but I'm already going under, no turning back. I am a child of the devil, I possess an unnatural and horrific gift that has caused me persecution before. I am a Centurian Realist, I am reincarnated and see past lives. In short I'm born again and I get visions and signs in my present life to hint at past lives. The very nature of my ability is witchcraft, but I've kinda forgotten about my faith and basically said screw it. But the thoughts are consuming me, killing my whole being. On top of that I must not discover my gift, but for some reason I have. So I must die and die quickly. It would have been sooner, if not for Helen's wish. She wanted me to graduate High School. I did that just yesterday, now it's time to go back home, for real. I saw the dirt road ahead. I turned on my turn signal and drove up it's rocky course to my final destination. I stopped and put my 1998 convertible in park. I got out and I grabbed my safety blanket, I know it seems stupid, but today, stupidity does not count for anything. I lay out upon my "blankie wankie" and think of my past. I ignorantly allowed my mind to wander to its favorite torment, Ilea and me. Our story starts to consume me and it vaguely resembled that of Odysseus in the Oddessy. He was Odysseus trying to return to his ever faithful wife Penelope. I am Circe, an enchantress who made his men into pigs and turns him into my lover. Odysseus over comes Circe's powers and returns to Penelope who is still waiting. Oh did I mention my true significance in this story? Athena, (Yes, Athena, the goddess for whom I was named after) tells Odysseus to go back to Penelope in disguise! See my life is ruled by the past GOD DAMN IT! Again I bluffed to everyone that if he was happy so I was I. Well truthfully, I hoped he was happy, that's truly what I wanted for him all along. I was just hoping that I was a part of his happily ever after, apparently not. If I was would I be here right now? Probably not, oh don't get me wrong, he's not the sole reason of my suicide! He's just the tip of the iceberg! I felt a tear trickle down my cheek.
"Not again," I sighed, "I'm not going to cry, he's not worth this, it'll be over soon anyway."
I seriously reconsidered my last statement, it was true, I wanted to and was ready to say I give up! But more importantly I wanted to return to God, I had a score to settle! If he was so loving and forgiving he'd forgive me for this one too! I wanted to yell at him, he wants everyone to be happy and free then why the hell am I here where I am at this moment ready to kill myself for happiness and solace? I began to ponder how Silas would take my death, he was the one I worried about the most. I wrote the note to ensure him I was sorry and to thank him for believing in me. He really cared and loved me when I obviously wasn't worth it! Diana was going to be alright, she'd be sad but she'd move on. Paul, would always wonder why I did it, but he too will be alright, I just know it! Silas, on the other hand, got too involved. Silas cared about a hopeless cause, me. I have to stop, the pain is too real. I get up to get my guitar only knowing its numbing effects on my body, too well. I knew it would leave me pain free, I like it! I popped open my trunk and a whole new whirlwind of pain and sorrow revealed itself. It was some painful reminders of a long lost Athena who did live fully but knew the end was just around the corner.
"A lot of mistakes" I grumbled as I grabbed my glittery red case.
I continued to stare at the items I had carelessly shoved back in my trunk. There lay my white graduation gown stained with beer from the party I had been to yesterday. My spring soccer jersey, which bore the number three, for the three fates, one of which was Athena. The white jersey with it's dark red lettering had little splatters of brown from dried blood. The blood didn't come from the cleats cutting my arms or legs, it came from my wrist when I slit them after every match win lose or draw. My flute and music, a hopeless effort of me to please Remus. There also lay several books, one of them was my CCD catechist guide book, another a novel assigned to the seniors to read upon their graduation. My pointe shoes lay barren next to my dance bag, an attempt to prove cheerleaders are retarded dancers. I won, Diana lost, as it always was, but in the end she was winning! There was a letter poking out of the one book, my acceptance letter from Hope Bailey University, easily the best collage in the area, I had a full scholarship but it was pointless. Then two horrific and painful memories cried out. My yearbook from Brooke Lankly High School and a framed picture of Ilea hugging me. The yearbook was a painful reminder of my isolation, everyone always asks to sign your yearbook to be nice, so I got a lot of half-hearted: "you're great, never change" crap. Again! If I'm so great then why am I here? My picture of Ilea, it was taken my Freshman year of High School at the Winter Snowball Dance. I had a huge smile on my face, I looked so happy. I swear after that moment I had very few things to smile about, Ilea being one of them. I slammed the door shut closing that life behind me hoping for a better one and not to remember this one! I sat down on a nearby rock. I opened my case and beheld my brilliantly gleaming guitar my only reminder of Jason, my good for nothing father. I opened a pouch inside the lid and grabbed my razor blade. I removed my watch and started to hack at the almost scarlet wrist. I watched as the blood flowed, it stung at first but after a while it didn't bother me. The blood began to interfere with cuts. I grabbed my discarded flannel jacket, it was Silas' but he gave it to me before he went off to college so I could feel him all around me. I wiped the blood up and grabbed the guitar. I started strumming it and started to whisper:
"Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out"
I stared at my bleeding wrist, I have to admit if it was anyone but me it'd be weird and freaky. I played through Avril Lavign's Anything But Ordinary. I belted the chorus:
"IS IT ENOUGH TO LOVE? IS IT ENOUGH TO BREATH? SOMEBODY RIP MY HEART OUT AND LEAVE ME HERE TO BLEED. IS IT ENOUGH TO DIE? SOMEBODY SAVE MY LIFE. I'D RATHER BE ANYTHING BUT ORDINARY, PLEASE."
How true, I was starting to wonder if it was enough just to die like this. But it didn't matter, no one was going to be able to save my life now, even if Ilea repented, he wouldn't be able to do it. I suddenly noticed the sun decided to begin it's rise. My final sunrise was approaching as I set Jason's guitar in it's case. I took my note to Silas out of my pocket and set it on top of the guitar. I knew he'd be the first to look inside. He knew that was my world and will probably be the one to try to save what's left of my world. I threw his jacket right on top of my case and pulled my hair out of it's pony tail. I threw the tie on top of the jacket, this really had no significance. My tendrils of jet black hair fell to my waist. I stood there then something from "Dead Man Walking" a movie I had saw last year during a debate class hit me. Our moderator had wanted us to get a feeling for capital punishment. When walking to be executed they called out the title, "Dead Man Walking." I took my own twist of words on it. The wind gusted through as I started walking.
"A dead goddess walking." I whispered.
I stepped towards the edge of the cliff. I grabbed a crucifix out of my pocket and the other hand clutched the rosary around my neck. I closed my eyes and prayed.
"My God, My God, I know not what I do….. Hail Holy Queen…." I started the Hail Holy Queen one of my favorite prayers then at the end, "Father, into your hands I commend my sprit." I dropped the crucifix as I stepped closer to the edge. I raised my arms out to the sides. They hung there for a second before a blinding pain filled my back. I felt the skin expanding and ripping apart something was sprouting from my back.
"Athena, my divine protector, be with me now!" I cried as I ripped my rosary off my neck in pain. I could see a pool of blood dripping behind me. I lowered my arms and felt something move. I moved them out and saw a pair of glassy white wings. I truly was Athena, the Olympian, Goddess of wisdom and war. In a last minute use of logic, I realized my original intent of jumping with my arms out was only going to make me fly straight this time. So I clasped my hands above my head and prepared to jump. I felt a tear trickled down my cheek.
"I will always love you Jed, and thank you so much Silas." I said. The wind whipped through one more time fluttering through my loose strands of straight hair. Ironically enough I began to remember my childhood thoughts. I remembered pondering how I would die. I always figured that I'd be an old granny with tons of grandchildren and my children at my side. But now I think about it, what a stupid stereotypical idea! I'm not doing it that way, seriously! I'm going to take fate, love, and hope into my own hands. I'm turning the tables on all I ever knew. I took the power of my life out of God's hands and placed it with in my own. Considering what fate has dealt me in my life, I had that right at this point. I need out of it's sick twisted and sorrow filled game. I finally conquered Pre destiny, God's plan, whatever you want to call it and I'm now about to start my own. I took a deep breath and I jumped forward to began my plummet towards the ground. I hit with a sharp thud and everything was searing with a pain beyond any other. Suddenly, I blacked out kissing the reality of this world goodbye.
