I’m such a bloody hypocrite. Here I am giving my friend advice on life and friends and love and clothes, when the only thing I seem to have control of is my wardrobe. I have no idea what has happened to me, I used to be in charge, confident, well, a little confident. Now my world is falling apart. I have two guys who have confessed their love to me, within one month of each other. And I can’t handle it.

If this had happened a year ago I would be thrilled. This is me, I love boys, they’re the reason I exist; my joy in life. But now if I had the choice to go into a convent I would gladly take it. And when I say that you have to know that something is wrong, because anyone who knows me can tell you millions of stories of my boy-crazy ways. But it had to be them. It had to be them!

And I can’t tell them off, because they’re my friends, my close friend in one case. I just need them to know that I love them, but it’s a platonic love and that if they don’t give me some space I’m going to have a major breakdown. Except I won’t because I won’t allow it. Public humiliation (even if only my parents know) is unacceptable. But it’s going to happen because I can’t take it anymore. I’m avoiding people in a way I’ve never done before. I go out of my way to not go to my locker because he is always there. I blocked the other one because I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t return calls, I don’t sleep, I tried to get drunk but alcohol tastes too nasty. I’m even wishing I were a cutter or something just so I have some way to get rid of all this tension.

But this tension is mostly about the guy at school, Cedric I’ve taken care of and he seems to be fine with it, although he will always be a threat, I can now talk to him. But this guy at school, he’s always there. I mean I’ve known he liked me for ages, the thing that changed was he told me, now all of a sudden it’s awkward. I can’t stand to be around him. He watches me, I mean watches me like he loves me. Always watching, always. And he can’t love me! He just can’t. We’re 15, too young for love. My main goal in life right now is to go to Paris. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.

He said he loved me over winter break, I guess I deserved it. I kinda led him on. I’m a flirt, what can I say. But I shouldn’t have, and now my life is dead. I had to flirt, I had to be a whore, and I had to be me. Then he goes and says I love you. NO YOU DON’T. If you knew me at all you wouldn’t. I really am a despicable, shallow, vain, self-absorbed, self-righteous, whiny, whorish, bitch. I don’t want love, or the kind of love he offers. But then again if he was attractive I may relish this and be snogging him by now. Yet, I already fell in love with a hott guy who acted like this then quickly pushed him away.

My horoscope totally matches me right now. It says I need wiggle space. I don’t need wiggle space I need a new people. I want to leave everything behind and go away. I think I’ve been feeling this way for awhile, I just found a way to distract myself. I snuck out, drank, lied, stole, fought, kissed, tried to o.d. But now I can’t do it anymore. I need a release. Something. Anything. Help. Love me.