“Do my Feelings Affect my Reality?”

Some crazy things are going on in my life right now. I can see it all passing in front of my eyes like some twisted fantasy film. The colors are vibrant. The sound is clear as crystal. But everything just seems off. The images are distorted. The sound does not match the picture. It is almost as if I watch the world through a fun-house mirror.

I have heard that the same things happen when you fall in love. And the person does not care about the world around them, because they are on Cloud Nine. The images they see are distorted too, but they do not notice it. This what I experience, and that which they experience, I feel are two different things, yet one in the same.

I have never been in love. I do not even know if it is close at hand. Instead of all those mushy things that one who is infatuated thinks of, the feeling that I have makes me think of an empty playground. My vision is not twisted because I do not wear my glasses, because they rest upon my face. I am not sick, yet I feel nauseated. All my senses have fled from me, leaving me to wander the earth like a blind person without his seeing-eye beast.

There is no one place that I am heading. There is no one place that I wish to end up. I do not wish to plan anything, for I fear it will not turn out the way I wish. I know where I stand, but even as I speak, the ground beneath my feet crumbles into oblivion, leaving me with just a small space, pressed up against the wall.

I find myself more and more often, while I lay on my back upon my bed, wishing that I could go home. My senses of reality seem to flee from me without my consent to do so, for when I truly think about it, I am home. Yet reality seems to slip away from me ever more, for I wake up in the morning and do not know where I am.

I have denied my feelings on more than one occasion. However, it never bothered me until now. I find it amusing, because it was not said to the Person in Question. It was to a friend. A lie is what I told. The Person in Question knows what is reality, even though all others do not.

I am weaving a web of tangled and interlocking chaos. I can no longer find my out. And that scares me.

I do not like this feeling of being lost. I do not like this feeling of disarray. I do not like this feeling of confusion. I do not like this feeling of being behind glass, watching the world go by.

I want it all to be fixed. I want it all to go away. I want to get better. I want my twisted vision to go away. I want it all to go away, and yet I still want it stay with me. I am lost in my own reality, but now I want out.

I want so much, and I cannot have. I can only have once I decide to fix. Yet fix I cannot, because I do not want a thing to change.

Are my feelings affecting my reality?