A Sociology Interlude – How to Not Get Reamed by the Patriarchy

For those of you who care about this sort of thing, I should go ahead and tell you about a little paradigm shift I have experienced. If you don’t care about my lonely existence and why I say what I say, but would rather I just get on with the truth dispensation, your gospel cometh soon. Perhaps you should skip this chapter all together and live in the bliss of simple ignorance of the true depth of my truth. Skim the wheat from the chaff, my brothers and sisters, eating the bread of truth is the essential part of our exercise.

Anyway, I should probably say first that most of the knowledge I have comes from trial-and-error. I have a list of illegitimate children, broken relationships, and potentially deadly hashashin ex-girlfriends, so I feel like the best strategy is to learn from my mistakes, lest I end up on the wrong end of a shuriken. Again.

Anyway, I’ve been studying a lot of sociology these days (putting my folks 40 something grand to good work. Woo academia.) and this has caused me to rethink a lot of my previous positions on dating, and therefore my gospel. This isn’t to say that I am throwing out the previous editions of this little guide out of geekdom, but they may be in need of some revision.

You see, I started with a simple postulate. Women are crazy. This is as universal and self evident a truth as gravity. Still, as a girl much wiser than me once said, “women are crazy because men drive them crazy.” So, my general philosophy has been to preach the elimination of things that drive women crazy from the repertoire of men. A position I still stand by, but now, with a sociological addendum, if you will allow it.

What my friend should have said (and I have no doubt she agrees with this change in wording) is “Women are crazy because the Patriarchy has been driving them crazy for the past two millennia.” For all you new to this game, the Patriarchy is the system of values, cultural practices, rules, and societal norms that define a masculine-driven and dominated society. If you’d like to learn more about how fucked up the patriarchy is, please read any book written in the Victorian era. Like, ever.

Anyway, I now come to a cosmic irony, which is, the Patriarchy is a system designed to strip women of choice and opinion. However, this is an impossible task. Therefore, what the Patriarchy really did were force women to get a lot more subtle. The system set up by old men to control young women has made them into the sort of women that manipulate all men.

Huh?

Okay, so maybe that all sounds like nonsense, but here’s the basic gist. Women play mind games in relationships. Most women will tell you that they want a man to be honest, but the patriarchy has buried into them the pre-cognizance that a man’s honesty about his feelings and his thoughts when expressed in certain terms, are a sign of weakness. This is not a biological rant against women being “tricky vixens who confound the hearts of men” it is us taking a solid reaming right through the pants by the Patriarchy and its efforts to control women. This is not pseudo-feminist double-think, it is sad fact. Every woman who has not been re-indoctrinated into feminist equality dogma has the deep-seated pre-cognition that every time a man tells her he loves her, he is admitting weakness. Every time a man apologizes for something he didn’t have to, he is admitting weakness. Every time he shows affection, he is showing weakness. Every time a man does not conform to a idealized “heroic” ideal, he is showing weakness.

BS! You call BS! Every woman wants a man that can share his feelings! A man that isn’t afraid to cry! A man that is manly enough to man up to the man man man man blarghapsdfaslkna;lkdsnalsdg. I hear you. Oh, how I hear you, and there was a time I would raise my voice in chorus with thine, but lo, my brothers and sisters, I have seen the sadness of the patriarchy. I have seen its ruin, and it is a death knell upon us all.

You may note that I built into my argument an exception for the “true feminist woman.” Note that feminism is here designate in that a feminist is someone who believes in the equality in right and responsibility between men and women in all things. In my opinion, every man worth his salt should be a feminist (ed. Note: Every man who is not a feminist shall hereafter be referred to in all essays as a ‘stupid fucker’), but finding a truly feminist woman who has not been ensnared by the lies and rules of the patriarchy is as rare and beautiful as the proverbial diamond in the rough.

Anyway, the reason I build in this exception is that the true feminist woman knows that her “hero” does not exist and never did. She realizes that her views of manhood and womanhood are the product of a system designed to enslave her rather than empower her. She does not care if her heart doesn’t do a loop-de-loop every time she sees her guy. She doesn’t expect to “be in love” 24-7. She realizes that all men are human and prone to error. She doesn’t want a hero. She wants a partner in crime. Someone to stick it out when time gets tough, always be on her side, put out occasionally, and fuck it if she isn’t head-over-heels. Maybe there are some ladies out there who think they are ‘true feminists.’ Here’s the easy litmus test. Would you rather a man who you know would be a good father or a man that would be a good father and you would always be head-over-heels in love with. The true feminist picks option A, because she knows option B doesn’t fucking exist. A true feminist is not only honest with others, she is honest with herself and honest with others about herself. And guys, if you find a girl that’s a true feminist and heterosexual, I’d go out and buy a goddamn wedding ring right FUCKING NOW. Seriously. Stop reading and go do it. DO IT.

So from now on I’m gonna take a different tack; how to get a girl on her own terms and by playing the rules of the mofo-ing game. It’s not women’s fault that they are indoctrinated into the “heroic, hallmark-love” myth, it is the fault of the patriarchy (quick tip: if you ever get in serious trouble with a woman; blame the patriarchy. Or possibly Greece.). Most women will eventually grow out of these lies, but most of the time they’re 40, their ovaries have long since shut down, and they’re developing a scary resemblance to their mothers. So, as a public service to further the continuation of the human population in the post-industrial world, I’m going to try and teach you how to be a hero, or at least, enough of one to get a girl to get past the patriarchy’s bullshit and realize she’d rather fuck you then the goddamn pool-boy.

Let’s get to work, gents. You are rough, un-hewn clay; no longer dork, almost man, but soon, you will be hero.

The other alternative, is, as always, sodomy.