This story switches between first and third person quite frequently, I hope it doesn’t get confusing it’s just easier for me to write that way.

Chapter 1: A Gothic Nightmare

The halls echoed with the voices of students traveling to their afternoon classes. I just pushed my headphones tighter against my head, increasing the volume. I wasn’t going to class today. Standing with my arms crossed over my chest I eye the stream of rowdy teenagers with cool reserve. Some glanced at me for a moment but were too busy to afford a second thought about the goth loner who leaned against the door to the girl’s bathroom.

I eyed my jean jacket and tie-up-to-the-waist pants with a proud air. Surely I made a fine spectacle standing there, tie pants not tied, black belt lying slanted on my hips dangling its rings and chains with an air of grace and my sleeveless belly shirt just hidden enough by the jacket so the teachers had nothing to complain about.

My attire was quite satisfactory. It got me attention and showed I meant business. I felt stronger in these clothes. Strong enough to skip whenever I damn well felt like it! Smiling to myself I crossed the hall to the main stairwell leading to the front office.

‘I wear these clothes like a mask’ I picked up my pace as I moved past the office and down the corridor to the cafeteria. ‘And the makeup is a mask.’

Self-consciously I lifted my right hand to my eyes but pulled it away just as quickly. That stuff smudged way too easily. I could touch my lipstick though. It was a deep, dark red, the closest to black I’d been able to find at our tiny grocers. It made my lips look fuller. A smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth at the memories of the last time I’d worn this lipstick. It had been the day Jerk, or rather ‘Johnny’ had decided to take our relationship into his own ‘hands’, literally. Apparently all those fights in elementary had been useful after all. Jerk wouldn’t be back to school anytime soon.

The suspension had been a small price. Just seeing his shocked and pained expression had been the sweetest of revenges. It had made up for my forgotten birthday; the announcements had even been cancelled that day for wrestling. Had I really expected my dad to care anyway? There was always that stubborn piece of hope that never quite died despite how many times it was brutally bashed aside.

Clenching my fists in suppressed anger, I descended the stairs to the library. The last bell had rung two minutes ago, all the goodies would be in class and those of more laxed natures not far behind. Too bad I had not decided to grace them with my presence, hardly mattered though since my teachers disliked me as much as I did them and the only thing I ever did for the expectant audience was get into some manner of fight or fancy language. During tests I was on top, I did want to pass but the rest of the time I could care less.

The long white hallway which passed alongside the library seemed to be the gateway of judgement and I was the black demon trespassing in this place of righteousness.

“Maybe I should quit altogether, I could learn the same things from the public library with much less hassle.” If anything I pride myself on my clear library record which allows me so much freedom from my ‘normal’ life. I probably know more then some of the teachers, that’s why I passed in the seventies without even going to class. It also helps that I had ways of finding out about assignments, chat lines are popular and if e-mail assistance was offered I was on it!

“I’m not too bad.” Pushing open an out of bounds door I walked inside. It was all white in here too but this was one of my favourite hideouts. There was a flight of stairs leading up and around to another door, blocking any noise from outside and a sense of peaceful serenity. Except that that girl was here again.

I’ve never seen her face, it’s always buried in her arms but she looks to be a good looking one with her long golden brown hair and slender arms and legs. Today she’s wearing dark blue jeans and a sky blue tie-up shirt. She looks so lonely sitting there in the corner, hair shielding her low hanging head as her shoulders shake slightly. As I do every time I see this girl I move on up the stairs, tossing my head to rid myself of the compassion I feel threatening to make me do something foolish.

Compassion only caused pain and pain only caused loneliness. I’d rather have the loneliness first.

At the top of the stairs I take another corner, hidden by the door if it should open and in easy earshot of the bells. I don’t have a watch so I have to pay attention to my surroundings. Turning up the music on my discman I drown out all thoughts of the inevitable confrontation tonight with my father. It’s a Tuesday….a day holding so much pain in itself.

“Then get the fuck over here and help me up!” Her father screamed at her as he struggled to get out of the folding chair in their disgruntled living room.

“You get up.” She replied coldly, turning back to her book. The smell of alcohol was fresh and full on the heavy air and already she was feeling nauseous. Soon she’d have to leave but Jamie was taking so damn long in the bathroom.

“You’re an ungrateful little bitch you know that!” He yelled louder, yanking harder on his jammed leg.

“Damn right.” She eyed him cautiously from the corner of her eye. He looked like a beast straight from hell; eyes all bloodshot, hair and clothes matted and filthy. He probably hadn’t showered for weeks. At least that would save them some money. Managing to pull his leg free he stormed, unsteadily up to her, gazing at her with unfocused eyes.

“You’re a sexy bitch though.” His words were slurring and he bent down a hand to roughly touch her cheek. She slapped it away.

“Now now, Jamie will be jealous.” She turned back to her book, fear beginning to consume her.

“Jamie doesn’t care, she’d leavin’ tomorra and I’ll be lonely agan.” Leaning toward her she was forced back into the chair, choking on his stale alcoholic breath. “Come on, you like it.”

Her temper snapped. “I’d rather fuck a dog!” She shouted, pushing him away and running for the front door.

“Fine!” He yelled after her. “Fine a good one, then maybe we can sell the puppies but they’d still be as ugly as assholes!”

His words echoed in her head as she ran from the house, tears pulling at the corners of her eyes.

Why why……

Tripping she picked herself up and ran some more. She had no idea where she was going just away. Eventually her run became a walk then the walk to a tired shuffle. Finally she collapsed in a bush off the side of the sidewalk, burying herself deep in its brambles and curled into a ball. No one would be able to see her unless they looked directly down into the bush. And it was there she slept, reliving every vivid detail of the experiences with her father from the harmless arguing to the dreaded forward thrusts of his manhood through her childhood dreams.

“Well look who decided to come to class today.” Tony Mony had got to one of the most annoying boys she’d ever met. If she’d felt up to it she would have punched him out, but she didn’t.

Walking to her seat at the back of the room she watched the history teacher nervously. If she looked up to anyone it would have been Mrs. Lockard. She’d never skipped one of Mrs. Lockard’s classes simply because she found the experience almost enjoyable. The discussions were lively and although Mrs. Lockard ruled with an iron fist she was a reasonable person who never yelled at her like the other teachers did. She got irritated, it was hard not to but she simply eyed me with the same cool reserve I loved to use. I respected her and often wondered what was going on inside her head.

“Get your homework out.” Mrs. Lockard told them, eyeing me closely.

I probably looked a mess. Sleeping in a bush didn’t do much for smell or looks. Pulling a twig out of my hair I dropped it on the floor, gazing at my classmates with cold eyes. It was none of their business, my business was my business. Idiots, curiosity killed the cat. Of course homework had been the furthest thing from my mind last night so it obviously wasn’t done. A summary of chapter four on the Depression, it didn’t matter that I knew it all perfectly, what mattered was that it wasn’t done.

Mrs. Lockard had said she’d be calling people up to the front to read their summaries so I supposed I’d just have to fudge it. Maybe Mrs. Lockard wouldn’t be able to tell, maybe she wouldn’t choose me. Yah, fat chance.

“Stephanie Rosewood.”

Knew it.

Slowly but carefully I chose a note from my black binder; my notes from last week’s simulation. Just as slowly but with an air of confidence I pick my way up to the front. I didn’t glance at Mrs. Lockard for fear she would read the truth in my eyes. Facing my class I eyed each of them quickly. Most of the girls were either looking at me with detached interest or giggling about something behind their books. The boys were oblivious to me completely or grinning up at me with smugness written all over their faces. I glared back at all of them.

The presentation had been disorganized but presented many ideas. A nice length and done well enough to attract the attention of those who actually doubted my ability to do things right. Most had probably thought I hadn’t done my homework, well, I’d fooled them. I’d gotten off scot-free for now, but what about Mrs…..

“Well done Stephanie, Bran.”

I could hardly believe it; I actually lost a little respect for Mrs. Lockard. To think I’d actually fooled her, one of the smartest teachers. My pride was certainly boosted! We continued on with our lesson after Bran and Amanda had read their summaries as well which, I was proud to discover, were not quite as well ‘done’ as mine had been.

Class went surprisingly fast and as we stood for the national anthem I was already planning my next free period since I wasn’t going to math. I’d probably hang in the washroom today, maybe take a walk down to Timmy’s, they knew me pretty well there. I’d never made a fuss.

We were seated once again and I glanced at the clock, ten minutes to go. I noticed Tony again as he gazed at me with a mocking expression. He knew something I didn’t. I blocked him out. Then I saw Tani, one of the gossips, probably talking about me and my newly acquired odour. I saw Rachelle, a quiet girl who never spoke, from what I saw; I was surprised I even remembered her name. There was a girl busy drawing something as the announcements played. I was remotely curious but turned my head aside. Not my business.

Five minutes, time really was passing quickly today. I pulled a book from my pocket. ‘Darkness Before Dawn’. A fiction, as expected. Everywhere I looked I saw despair and sadness, in this world there was no dawn, only the dreams of when it would come. Two minutes. I fingered the zipper of my black purse where I kept my discman. Evanescence would be my companion this period. Then, as it happened on occasions, my mind simply asked, was this worth it? What was I living for? Some pre-conceived hope no doubt, hope that was forever destined to be shattered.

The bell rang and I gathered my books quickly, making a beeline for the door.

“Stephanie and Estelle, may I see the two of you for a moment please.”

I was very tempted to say that she couldn’t but walked up to her desk nonetheless. The girl who had been drawing stayed behind as well. Surely Mrs. Lockard had nothing to pick with her, she looked like a rule abider.

“Now girls. Stephanie I know your homework wasn’t done today.”

Go figure.

“And I know your past record hasn’t been too clean but I know you could do wonderfully if you’d only commit yourself.”

Here we go with the teacher lectures.

“Now I can’t say I know what’s best but I think if you made some friends you’d be more inclined to come to class.”

“I have friends.”

Not.

“That may be but I think it would be best if I put you and Estelle together on the next project alright?”

Estelle eyed me coolly, nodding slowly.

I shrugged. What’d it matter?

“Good now this will be a take home project so you two will have to get together at lunch or in the evening, I’ll be announcing the details tomorrow. Good day girls.”

And we went our separate ways. Damn she was a sneaky bitch.