Chapter 7: Gutter Innocence

Pauline was out of town for the next four days providing me with very little to do. Outside of school I sat up in a maple that overshadowed the road, one of the few that had survived ruthless cut-backs by city workers. The Tim Hortons I’d applied to had not contacted me and there was no other large project to occupy my time. So I wrote poems. Not very good ones but they took up space in my notebooks and eased pent-up emotion my disposition was learning to internalize. By the second day I’d acquired fifteen, most no longer then five lines. I was in the middle of one titled ‘Concoctions’, Nightwish harmonies blasting my eardrums when the illustrious Maddie came scampering out of a house farther up the street.

Does everyone live on my street?

As luck would have it, mostly in my favour, she scampered in my direction. Her hair was messier than usual despite numerous bobypins. Bracing myself between two branches I swung down onto the sidewalk in front of her resulting in a loud shriek.

“I’m sorry Maddie,” I chuckled, placing my hands on my hips, “I love to sit up there and cause trouble.”

Her gaze studied the pavement intensely, arms tightening around a bundle against her chest.

“Where are you off to?” Perhaps I was too forward but she didn’t seem fearful per-se. Just nervous.

“I…I’m late for a movie.” She explained quickly. I backed off a little to let her recompose herself. Me, sensitive? This chick? Hell!

“Oh, I shouldn’t keep you then. Enjoy it.” Her eyes met mine and she stood straighter.

“I had two tickets but mom doesn’t want to go anymore. Wou…would you like to…”

“Sure, thanks.” I gave her a real toothy grin and relief washed over her face. Together we made light conversation on our way to see ‘Lease’ the new hit musical. I had never actually gone to see a movie with anyone. And I certainly never expected I’d be attending a musical of all things! But Maddie was a sweet heart and could use my support……fuck! I swatted a fly circling my head envisioning the squashing of my motherly instincts.

Although Maddie was still extremely shy laughter united us through much of the film, an invisible barrier of sorts I hadn’t noticed before seeming to lift. As much as reacting I found enjoyment in watching this fragile girl’s response to the characters and their stories. I began to really wonder about Maddie’s life. Who was she?

***

“And how can I explain when words get broken?”

“Don’t give up, don’t give up now!”

“Together we’ll break these chains of love!”

“Don’t give up, don’t give up now!”

Two lovers yet again, saranading the careless assembly of yawners and hypocrites. Strangely enough, Estelle was beside me, her pencil stilled by the voices. She probably had a whole masterpiece to show for this afternoon but even she had to look up, just for a second, to see the couple snatching glances at one another over their wide grins raining fluorescent expressions.

I’d always believed love to be a Walt Disney creation of sorts. Often the images my eyes generated made it impossible to consider such a fantasy. And yet that seemed to solidify it. Inside, I wanted it enough to make it real.

For a second I thought I’d seen Maddie as my class entered the auditorium but she’d gone to sit somewhere out of my range. The lovers exited and a comedian followed. I leaned over to chat with Estelle.

“Cute and heartfelt I thought but really I wanted to ask you something. Our project’s going to be over soon and you might just be waiting to get me out of your life but I wanted to ask if you’d consider joining my birthday celebrations at Tipsys.”

I blinked. “You’d consider inviting me? I’m practically a total stranger.”

“I like you Stephanie. If you’ll excuse the metaphor, you’re like a pie with some burnt edges.”

A warm chuckle bubbled up my throat. Suddenly my eyes were full and I felt extremely foolish. Wiping them quickly I replied. “Yes, I would consider it. I find I’m enjoying your company myself, Estelle.”

“It’s a week Tuesday, just bring yourself k?”

“Tipsys’ that little restaurant on the corner right?”

“Yep, I hope you can come Steph.”

***

I never owned a Disney movie and only saw them on kindergarden play days. Nevertheless I found myself humming various tunes I couldn’t even remember the names of. Tim Hortons called me in for an interview that evening and by three the following afternoon I was amazed to find myself gainfully employed.

Working a four hour shift a day later instilled a considerable amount of pride in me. What had happened to the anger that had once boiled hotly inside me? Surely this girl, her dark ponytail past her shoulder, Tim Hortons’ viser sitting smartly amongst it, a tell-tale chain head band pinning the loose strands in place was a close relative. Am I really me? Sometimes it’s so hard to tell. I don’t feel like me and yet, in its strangeness these sensations feel refreshing; they’re so incredibly right. Stephanie Elexis Rosewood is no longer alone.

Carrying home an icing donut I stop to gaze through the park trees to the bench I slept on that night years ago. There’s a cool breeze tangled in my hair and tiny search lights up in the sky tracking me. Where have you gone? they whisper in my general direction, where are you now?

One thought, one choice. That’s all it took.

***

Dear paper,

I’ve always thought diary writing was for bored people but I think there is some purpose. Pauline gets back tomorrow, at least according to her schedule. Tim Hortons isn’t too difficult to master. The customers are pretty fine, the occasional asshole, like life. Estelle and I presented our presentation today. The class seemed to like it. Those bastards in the back row were making suggestive motions towards me while the girls sneered but at least Estelle and I had a good time. That girl is really fun. Artists, maybe they’re worth all the fuss after all.

Fucky will be home soon so I should shut off my light but keeping this fuzzball is going to be tough. I found this little orange kitten in the gutter on the way home. I couldn’t leave her-at least I think it’s a her-so I tucked her close-whiney and meowing- and carted her home. She’s really soft and I’ve fed her some of my donut and TV dinner. I’ve got some water in a dish and some dirt in a box. I hope she’ll use it. Otherwise it’ll be messy. No messier than usual though I suppose. Anyway, little bugger just jumped me! She’s pretty feisty towards someone she just met.

Um, night page. .!