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Two simple words
Not that what I did was justified, not in the least. But hell, at that very moment I hated you and I didn’t care. It’s not fear that stops you from hurting someone but actually caring about that person. You don’t have to even know the person, but to care even slightly that this person may not deserve to be hurt….now that can stop you. But right in that instant I don’t thing even a single strand of my hair even cared about you. I remember screaming at you, each word hitting you in the heart like an arrow. It’s kind of funny really – who knew words could hurt so much? Okay, that’s a lie. It wasn’t only words, you never would let words touch you. But each word, each insult, packed itself into a bomb and it exploded on contact, on you.
You cried, or at least that’s what I heard. Never did stay long enough to find out. They led me to where you had supposedly locked yourself up, bawling like a baby. Well, they didn’t say the last part – but it was pretty much a given. And you know the rest; you were listening to every word. But I was counting on that. Your friends – it still makes me smile even now – they begged me, begged me like a dog. I’m surprised they didn’t get on their hands and knees. And all they wanted me to do was say those two little words. So effortless, and truthfully I didn’t even have to mean them. But me, being me; I stomped out of there like I never cared. Ironically, to anyone who just happened to be looking my way, I never did.
Perhaps I should have said them, those two words. Maybe the next day I would have. I don’t remember for the next thing I truthfully remember is that phone call. The phone call that changed my life – god, the cliché could kill me. Heh, yeah, I realize how bad of a joke that is. The thing is, at first, I wanted to cry. Me, cry? I know it’s such a funny idea but yet it’s so damn true. I couldn’t, it was as if I was so out of practice that I had forgotten how. But you have to believe me, I was so…sad doesn’t even cover it. I was such a mess I don’t know how I could have looked in the mirror without it breaking.
But it was as I slipped on the black gown that I realized that I wasn’t sad. No, either I had been confused or…who knows what goes on in the head of mine? Instead, I was mad. I was pissed, and I think that I had every right to be. You had no right to do what you did, not that I did either but you took it too far, just way too damn far. If you felt that you had a score to settle with me, and then tell me. Don’t be a coward and don’t look for pity because you’re getting none from me. You should have walked straight up to me given me a black eye or two…or more depending on how you felt like it. That I would have taken, I mean, I deserved it after all. But this? This isn’t a game. This is not one of your messed up little games. No prince is going to rescue you from the ferocious dragon. This is no fairytale.
And don’t even try to blame me, because I won’t let you. Enough people already hold me responsible for everything anyway. You can see it in their eyes when they look at me. You can hear it in their voice when they speak to me. They want to tell me that it’s my fault but they are too afraid. It’s funny what fear can do.
But it’s sad when someone gives in to fear. Just plain sad. Fear can just take control and there comes a time when you no longer can fight, you know? Well, of course you know. I don’t really though for I’ve always tried to be strong. I couldn’t or really wouldn’t let myself be afraid. You told me off for that. You said that I was emotionless and that I never let myself, well, feel. You said it wasn’t healthy. Heh, speak for yourself much? But even though being cold or “emotionless” as you say at least I don’t give in. Perhaps you didn’t know why before but now you do. It’s because… it’s scary what fear can make you do.
And that’s why I’m afraid. Yeah, I admit it. And that’s why I hate you too. You gave in, and why? No reason just that you were having a shitty day, right? You’re so stupid. And I always looked up to you too, and I’m not talking height wise either. Yet it’s you that crumbled leaving me with…nothing. And you know how much I hate being alone.
At nights I stare at the stars upon my ceiling, tears filling my eyes as I try to blink them away. Nights are always the worst. The memories are bitter-sweet and the regrets are the cherry to top it all off. Sometimes, but only sometimes, I wish I could let out that sob, that cry that proves….whatever it’s supposed to prove. But for now all I can do is stare at those stars, hoping that these silent cries won’t suffocate me and just lay there thinking of the reasons why I hate you. But eventually, my eyes swallow up all the tears and I roll over and try to go to sleep for, unlike you, I have to wake up in the morning. And anyway, deep down I know that there isn’t anything left for me to do and there isn’t anything left that I can say. You can hope all you want, but trust me; the words you want to hear will never pass my lips.
No matter how I wish.
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