I love scary movies and blood and horror art and all that, sure. See, I’m a macabre person at heart. But with me it’s more psychological than physical or anything. For example, I’d probably never drink someone’s blood, but the idea of someone doing it is seductive to me.

When I read a book and the protagonist gets into a spot of trouble where everyone turns against her for things out of her hands or things that she can’t help, when people make life hell for the antagonist, my instant thought retaliation: kill. Kill them all. Kill them all and while you’re standing in puddles of their blood and smiling at them, they’ll be sorry they ever fucked with you.

When someone does something to me that really upsets me, I get instant macabre though retaliation. All I can think of is spilling blood. Theirs, mine, the guy’s sitting next to me, whoever’s. I imagine what it would be like if I just snap and jam a pencil into his neck, watching as the warm red liquid pumps out over the pencil, then through the hole as he pulls it out in shock, then onto the floor when he collapses. It pools around the desk legs like when someone spills a soda or Lemon Tea. But it’s not.

Or I imagine slitting my own wrists, right there in class, then collecting the blood and smearing it over him and everything he owns. I imaging smiling as people start screaming or backing away or trying to get me help or anything. Then my heart beats slower, my skin pales, I slump in my chair... And I’ve taught them a lesson they never forget. More effective than bursting into tears and running from the class to sob in the bathroom.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone’s like this. I’m pretty sure plenty people out there are like this. I know there are millions of people, and I highly doubt I’m alone (I just don’t think that way). However, I wonder just how many are normal people like me, and how many actually follow through with their thoughts.

If you do, send me pictures.