Summary: Fred finds that spending his first Christmas alone without Lex is unbearable and plans to do all he can to win her back – with questionable results. Even during the most blessed holidays there are lessons to learn and prizes to pay in the name of love.
Rating: PG
Timeline: Unrelated to any other Lex/Fred story in other universes. They’re both eighteen.
Dedication: Written entirely for Kristine as her yearly Christmas fic of 2004.
Thanks To: Leeny, for having the patience to beta this story for me. Many hugs and thanks!
Cimmy’s Notes: As this story was developed for Kristine to read, there are no relevant background stories for the characters or the events – it might be a bit confusing to hold random names apart if you’re not familiar with any of the characters or if you haven’t read any past stories featuring them.
Disclaimer: Lex, Sammie, Jeff, Matt, Anna, Anthony and Chris along with Suspended Motion itself belong to NYgoldfish54. Fred and his brothers are mine.

I saw Jeff today. He was coming out from the small deli across the street from my building. I’m not the kind of person who would try to disguise my interest in fake indifference, so I asked him frankly how Lex was doing. I haven’t seen Jeff around a lot lately and he’s basically the only link I have to Lex if I’m not going to face her myself – which I’m not entirely sure I can do even if I want to.

Jeff and I were never that close. I’m sure he considered me as a huge pain in the ass more times than he didn’t. I can’t say that I know too much about him at all, now that we don’t meet every day or week, or even every month. All I know is what Sammie’s told me on the odd occasion I see her, which is not as often as it was before.

There’s really no good reason for me not to visit Lex myself. I haven’t made a secret of the fact that I still care about her and that I still love her – that there’s nothing I want more than to have her back. Jeff and her other friends know that. Lex might know it too, but I’m not absolutely sure about that. I’m not exactly making a big deal out of it; clinging on to her like glue and calling her every night just to hang up on her. I wouldn’t do that.

Jeff told me that Lex is doing fine. She’s kind of heavily involved with the masses of homework she has to do over Christmas Break, but apart from that she’s supposed to be alright. Jeff dodged most of my questions by saying that he wasn’t sure if Lex wanted me to know that much about her life. I’m only curious; I want her to be happy. I would probably kill myself out of jealousy if she was seeing someone new, but I wouldn’t try to destroy it for her in any way.

When Lex and I broke up a few months ago (June 13th, ninety-two days, thirteen hours and four minutes ago, not that I’m keeping count or anything) she told me that it would only feel bad for a while – that we’d work things out and be able to be friends later on. It had nothing to do with me and it was nobody’s fault; things just weren’t meant to be for us. She still loved me, she said, only she had to be away from me because we both needed it.

She was partly right, sure, but sometimes it feels like it was entirely my fault. I was the one who blew it; I let her go too easily. Those last weeks before Summer Break were really strained. I knew we had problems but I sort of assumed it would work out anyway. It always did before that.

It wasn’t that we were arguing or weren’t getting along; Lex and I rarely had fights. I just wouldn’t listen to her when she told me what not to do. I was stubborn and she was tired. We didn’t have time for each other the way we’d had before. So, yes, we needed a break from each other. But I was stupid and I thought I’d get her back eventually. I thought it was only some temporary solution to our situation.

I haven’t seen her since the beginning of November. Sammie has suggested that I come to some of their gigs so I can talk to Lex but I’m not sure that would solve a lot. I don’t want Lex to think I can’t give her the space she’s requested. I respect her wishes.

The last time we spoke was in September. My brother had grown tired of me moping around all summer long and deliberately set us up so I could see Lex. It wasn’t too bad. I mean, seeing her again made my heart go kablooey with pain, but aside from that it was tolerable. We had one of those polite, slightly awkward conversations which mostly revolved around how we could kill my brother in the fastest, most horrible fashion – to relieve the tension that was eating me up from inside.

There was so much I wanted to tell her. Just to let her know that I still loved her. I wanted to beg her to come back. I wanted to hold her in my arms again and tell her that she should come back home again; home being symbolic for nothing but us getting back together, of course.

Sammie claimed that Lex had cried every day the first few weeks after our break-up. Sammie was most certainly trying to make me feel better by telling me that, but it only made it worse. I always swore to myself – and Lex – that I’d never be the one to make her cry. The few times I managed to hurt her nearly made me more upset than she was.

Jeff wants me to back off and leave her a chance to get over me properly. She’s doing much better now, he says, and she’s trying to go on with her life. I don’t plan to get in the way of her moving on. I won’t.

Breaking up with Lex was the most difficult thing I’ve faced in my life. Getting over her will be torture. It just has to be done anyway. For her sake and my own, as I promised when she told me the last goodbye.

Sometimes, during days like these, when the snow is falling but sun still shines, I miss her. Christmas won’t be the same without her. She was everything to me.

Yeah, I guess I just miss her.

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