The Park

He is drenched. He sits there, alone in his bedroom, stunned. The room looks the same as he had left it… the same poster peeling away from the wall in the left corner, the same computer sitting there on his desk, waiting to be woken up from its long slumber, the same pile of CD’s scattered in the corner, the milk stain on his royal blue carpet that his asshole brother blamed on him when they were younger, the same creases on his bed – showing the spaces that two people had once filled…only now one of the spaces was empty.

Excitement and adrenalin shot through every vein, every artery, every muscle, every cell and every sense of feeling in my body. I had never felt this good…there was no need for drugs with a feeling like this. I loved the pure confusion of knowing that I did something that I would never do, the confusion of doing something ‘wrong’ and enjoying it. It was just a kiss, yes, and I know one would laugh at me for that reaction to just a kiss, but honestly, with the feeling it gave me, I would have let them laugh till they hurled. I didn’t give a shit.

“Arden, how are you feeling sweetie?”

Usual unavoidable mum questions… no need to answer truthfully… she will never know.

“Good mum”

“Are you sure? You don’t look yourself, what’s wrong?”

A hangover that will be the death of me, a mouth so dry that it is practically a towel, a thumping headache knocking on my skull and not knowing whether its from the alcohol or the embarrassment and regret from what I possibly could have done last night, knowing that I have somehow screwed things up and wanting to die from lack of vital life substances in body. That’s what’s wrong.

“No, nothings wrong mum, I’m fine, just tired. I’m probably going to give Gabe a call.”

She tilts her head and looks at me with concern, then shakes it off.

“Good. I’m going to church with Emily and then we are going to stop by the Parker’s – they have just renovated their kitchen and living room, and Marie is making Soufflé, so your sister and I will be out today. HURRY UP EM!”

She talks more about blah blah blah “The Parkers have this” and blah blah blah “The Parker’s have a giant rainbow that shines out of each of their asses and connects in the middle to bind them together as the perfect family…those rainbows are mighty pricey these days, but I think we need one”. Their daughter is a slut.

Once gone, I pick up the phone and tell Gabe to come over and that mum will be out all day.

Mobile in my pocket buzzes and vibrates. There’s a tingle in my leg…funny feeling that one, I quite like it. Considering whether to answer it or not.

“Hello? Arden, it’s me”

“Molly? Shit…can’t talk now, I’m going out with Gabe in a few minutes”

“Where are you guys going?”

“For a walk, probably to the park”

There’s a loud sigh on her behalf. After a while she speaks.

“This is enough Arden, it’s verging on sick, you’re actually ditching our plans for…Gabe”

“I have found someone who finally gives a crap about me. Can’t you just deal with it and piss off if who I am is so ‘sick’ to you. Screw the movie, we can see it another time.”

I can hear her crying. Good. Mission complete.

“I am trying to help you, God Arden! If I have been best friends with you for eight years, obviously I do give a crap about you. You mean so much to…everyone; we just need to get through thi…”

I hung up.

Ha ha. Bitch.

Regret seeps in. I feel horrible.

They were strolling slowly, palm in palm, feeling invincible. The big black shadows watched them and snickered, there were three of them. They hated the strolling couple, they hated everything that they stood for, they hated their smiles and the fact that they were enjoying themselves but most of all they hated the fact that the couple felt comfortable with themselves and felt that what they were doing wasn’t wrong at all. The shadows decided to cast themselves around the couple, slowly moving in around them – an inescapable force.

Confusion …Agony …Thud.

“Was it good for you?”

I sit up quickly, my hair matted thanks to restless sleeping. I try to catch my breath.

“Nightmares again?”

I face him and nod. He pulls me back down so that I am lying back down on my bed next to him. He strokes my cheek – the bruised and scratched one.

“It shouldn’t have been you. If I ever see them again, I will fucking murder them.” Gabe says. His face is not like mine, there is not a single hint of injury on his complexion…his perfect face. His blue grey eyes look miserable, glistening in the darkness as he grabs my hand and I wince since it’s my busted arm. He grits his teeth.

“I will fucking murder them”

I pounded on his door until he had answered.

“I had no one else to talk to” I said as I took another swig from my replacement for comfort – a bottle of bourbon. I plodded over to his couch and slumped down into it.

“So you come and find me?”

“Molly and me arrr done. Three yeeers of being togeth…togett…tagedd… whatever that word is, me and Molly gone. Fuck I’m an asshole” I slurred.

“Yes you are”

“I want to die”

“Hmmm, good idea, there’s nothing for you here; I have a noose in my garage that’s just hanging to be used… ha! Hanging”

Gabe was a funny guy, to himself at least.

I stood up and walked, well not so much walked as stumbled, knocking over various bottles and crap on the table, and started making my way to the garage.

Gabe got up and ran to me.

“Stay the fuck away from my garage you drunken dumbass” he said, pushing me. I fell into the wall slid down, leaning my back and my spinning head against it.

“Empty. Every room at this cheap motel is vacant”

“Don’t recite me your alcohol induced poetry, that stuff is always shit. What the hell is wrong with you man?” He sat down next to me angrily.

“Why did you push me yooou stupid fag?”

“Because you’re an idiot”

“Bravo! Thanks for telling me. I’m going to your garage now, if you need me, give us a yell and I probably won’t answer”.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself you drunk bastard. Did you really think that I’d be the proud owner of a noose? Especially with you around?”

“You are my best friend Gabe” I say. My vision felt like I was looking through somebody else’s strong prescription glasses as I threw the now practically empty bourbon bottle away from my grasp. I gave him a hug and rested on his shoulder…I couldn’t keep my heavy head up straight. He looked at me and propped my head up with his hand.

“Why would anyone like you want to die?” Gabe said as he leaned in to kiss me. I shoved him off.

“What the hell are you doing you filthy fag?”

“Nothing. Fuck off”

“You were taking advantage of me” I stood up with thanks to the wall and attempted to make my way to the door before flopping down on his couch and laughing.

“Get the hell out of my house. Look at you, you’re pathetic. You come to me whenever something is not right in your life and you expect me to fix everything. I’m not fixing you this time, fuck off and don’t come around again”

“I think yoooou haf the wrong idea about us man”

“There is no ‘idea’ about us. Get the fuckout” He said as he helped me up and then shoved me out of his door and onto the path.

The priest was saying something…I drained him out. Why was I at a funeral?. I looked at the coffin as raindrops were starting to patter and slide off the white wood. There was me and about ten other people there only…poor dead person, not many people must have cared. Molly’s hand found mine and we stood there, staring at nothing. I don’t even know this dead person, What the hell am I doing here? I vote we bail and go somewhere dry with food. I was about to express this opinion to Molly when my eyes caught a glimpse of the name plaque. I gasped.

Gabriel Timothy Branxton

“I had another one of those dreams last night, you know, the ones where he’s dead”

“Arden, I have to go”

“But Molly I need your help, they scare me. When we were together, did you ever dream that I had died? Did it scare the shit out of you?”

“No, it didn’t scare me”

Mechanically heartless bitch. Try not to be hurt or angry…breathe in and release.

“But why do I get these dreams?”

“I’ve really got to go, please let me go.”

“Molly?”

“Bye”

And she’s gone.

I was nervous… I knew that Gabe was meeting me here. I was surprised that he’d still want to see me since my drunken escapade a month ago, but he agreed to meet me here. I love the park, especially at night, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the amount of different lives that walk in and out every day – lives that I will never know anything about. I imagined and created lives for these people as I sat on a bench and played with the buttons on my shirt, twisting them in my fingers.

“Don’t undress here you disgusting prick”

I turned around to see his dark brown eyes and his bleached hair. He was wearing a black shirt with a black jumper and looked incredible. I stood up and hugged him, I know it had only been a month but that month was one of the most frustrating months I had ever lived through. He broke my hug.

“What are you doing Arden?”

“I was giving you a nice ‘friend to friend’ hug because I… because we are friends.”

“Is that all you called me for? To make yourself feel better? As I said…I’m not fixing you this time.”

“Why do you try to fix me? Why do you help me Gabe?”

He was put off…I was scared that he was going to walk away any second…either that or punch me in the face.

“I fix you because you’re pathetic. Because you’re scared of what you might be and… who…who you might feel for and to me I think its fucking pathetic to live life like that… living without ever experiencing love, no matter what form it’s in. You sicken me…”

“Gabe?”

“…And if you think that I am gonna be sitting around like some dumb ass prick waiting to pick up your pieces whenever your down your fucking delusional. You will never love anyone like you did Molly and you let her go like an idiot. And then, you come running to me like I’m second best, but not quite good enough and you know what? It’s just a load of bullshit to me Arden. That’s why I fix you.”

“Gabe, are you finished”

He looked at me and was about to say more when I impulsively grabbed him and kissed him.

Excitement and adrenalin shot through every vein, every artery, every muscle, every cell and every sense of feeling in my body. I had never felt this good…there was no need for drugs with a feeling like this. I loved the pure confusion of knowing that I did something that I would never do, the confusion of doing something ‘wrong’ and enjoying it. It was just a kiss, yes, and I know one would laugh at me for that reaction to just a kiss, but honestly, with the feeling it gave me, I would have let them laugh till they hurled. I didn’t give a shit.

“Finally” he said as he grabbed my hand. We started walking in the park. I was beginning to feel uneasy at the few people staring, but Gabe didn’t care. Luckily there was barely anyone there at that time. As we were walking, I heard snickering behind us. The three men mingled with the shadows of the trees. They closed in on us and Gabe dropped my hand.

“Fucking faggots.” One said as he spat on me. He got my white shirt… I think panic must have hit me then because all I could think of was washing this asshole’s slag off my shirt.

Confusion.

The guys all looked the same…I wasn’t really focusing on their faces…they just seemed like huge black shadows to me. Before I could even react Gabe was kicked to the floor and the other two guys grabbed me and dragged me to a tree. I felt as if I didn’t belong in my body, I felt as if I was watching the whole thing, like a movie. I didn’t fight…I just saw myself.

“Well, this is a pretty one isn’t it?” One says as he slams me up against a tree. My left cheek is pressed against the bark as the other guy grabs my arms from the other side of the tree so my arms are basically wrapped around the tree. Even if I did try to fight, it wouldn’t matter, these guys had won.

Agony.

“You feel goon now you little bitch?” the guy behind me said. I watched, disgusted as he did what made him feel powerful, what made him feel that he was a man. After 10 minutes of what my numbness could only imagine would be excruciating pain, the guys finally dropped me to the ground.

Thud.

They spat on me again while laughing. The filthy bastard who enjoyed me kneeled down beside me.

“Was it good for you?” He said and his buddies were in hysterics. He gave me a goodbye kick in the ribs as they ran off into the night – like shadows”

On a not so special night, I get up from my computer and walk over to the mirror. I stare at the nineteen year old boy in there. His dark hair falls messily about his forehead, and partly into his eyes. His face is haunted and there are scratches on his left cheek. Behind the boy I see a perfect figure. He talks to me as I continue to look at the boy.

“You look like shit” he says, smiling.

“Just for you Gabe, and stop climbing through my window, just use the damn door.”

“People don’t understand guys like you and me Arden”

I hated when he talked about all this emotional crap, he had been doing it a lot lately, but I was not willing to lose him over it.

“Sure they do”

“And the scratches on your face? They are a perfect example of people who don’t understand.”

“Those guys…”

“Must die. I said that I would kill them, but I think that you should do it – they hurt you more than me”

“C’mon Gabe, now you’re talking like a dick that’s been chroming on his mum’s cleaning products.”

He handed me the knife I kept under my bed. The special collector’s one dad gave me when I was fourteen.

“You took this out of the package?” I asked.

“Better now than never.”

“I don’t want to kill anyone man.”

“Listen Arden, we will never be understood. Everyone out there uses guys like us as their spitting posts, but we can show them.”

“By guys like us do you mean fags? Because I’m not…I just love you”

“Don’t change the fucking subject. As I said, we will show them”

“How?”

“Ever read or seen Romeo and Juliet?”

“Good movie, Claire Danes looks hot in an angel costume. They both die at the end Gabe.”

“Because they weren’t understood. We can do that, we can escape forever and then people will feel shit when they think of how we’re treated.”

“I don’t know…”

“Do this for me, I’ll be with you the whole time, lets go to the park.”

Staring in the mirror, my blood turned cold.

“Arden, before we go, can you do something for me? Can you wear this shirt?”

He handed me the white shirt that I was wearing the night I unwillingly hugged the tree and scored the scratches on my face – oh and got the shit kicked out of me as well as being taken by some dick head. The shirt had red on the collar from the blood that oozed down my face. There was dirt and specks of blood on it.

“Now Gabe, this one isn’t pretty enough, I don’t feel attractive wearing this” I nervously joked.

“Put it on. How will they see if they don’t see the evidence? Lets go.”

It is pissing down with rain at the park. I toy with the knife in my pocket, contemplating whether to go home and watch T.V or stay here with Gabe and kill some guys I didn’t care enough about even to acknowledge. Thought it would be an easy decision, but I don’t want to lose Gabe. Wish my parents and Em and Molly and even my prick of a brother that I haven’t talked to in three years were here… at least I left a letter when Gabe wasn’t looking.

“Now, Arden, do it now. Where is your knife?”

“Here. But aren’t we going to see the guys first?”

“Nah, we will never find them now, and this has to be done tonight.”

“Why?”

“Because we can’t live any longer in a world that doesn’t understand us. So pick up that damn knife and let’s do this.”

I look at him, and thank God that the rain camouflages the fear and tears burning my eyes. I don’t cry.

“Bye Gabe”

“I love you Arden” He says as I pick up the knife and slice my arm.

“Do it properly Arden you wuss, just go for the heart, like I am”

With blood from my arm dripping down my hand and onto the knife I aim at my chest. I am scared, but it will be over in a second… just a second.

“Drop the fucking knife Arden!”

Molly pushes me and grabs the knife. Beautiful Molly.

“Me and Gabe have something to do, but I’m happy you came to see me, I’m sorry that I have been a bastard to you and I do love you. Tell my family the same thing. Oh, and could you please give me back my knife?”

She slaps me. She is holding my letter in her hand…it has practically disintegrated in the rain.

“I’m taking you somewhere right now Arden. I may think about giving your knife back if you come with me.”

Gabe nods and sits on the park bench…he will wait for me to get back, in the rain and all. Molly and I drive for five minutes before she stops at the local cemetery. We get out and I follow her in. She is walking really fast and I am trying to keep up with her until she grabs me and violently pushes me, while losing my footing, towards a grave. I realize why we never ate mud pies as kids when I receive my very first taste of fresh mud. I get up on my knees, and once gaining composure, I look at the grave.

Gabriel Timothy Branxton

“Gabe was murdered by the guys that attacked you, they beat him with a lead pipe. Arden, he has been dead for two months.”

“I have been hanging out with him heaps in the past two months Molly. That’s bull shit.”

“Look at the fucking tombstone!” she yells. I can see it. I’m not stupid.

“And?”

“Gabe…is…Gone.” She sounds out her words slowly, each one chilling my spine the way scratching a blackboard does. I sit quietly in the mud and listen.

“You have been seeing what you want to see, it’s your way of dealing with his death! For two months now your family and I have been a wreck, worrying about how far this imagination would take you because you were so happy in believing that he was still alive, and all we wanted was for you to be happy. But it’s enough Arden.”

“Good one Molly. I’m ecstatic. Can I go back to the park now?”

“Arden,” she said, ignoring my question, “When you asked me if I had ever had a dream where you died in it, I told you it didn’t scare me… I wasn’t lying, it more rather made me feel sad, because I saw you slowly dying and fading away from reality, the more intensely you believed in this relationship, the more you slipped away from our grasp.”

I stare at the grave. All feeling drains from my body. He’s gone? I sit in front of his grave for hours until the rain relaxes to a gentle spitting and dawn begins to breathe life into the day by showing its gentle face.

“Let’s go home”

We drove home past the park. No Gabe.

He is drenched. He sits there, alone in his bedroom, stunned. The room looks the same as he had left it… the same poster peeling away from the wall in the left corner, the same computer sitting there on his desk, waiting to be woken up from its long slumber, the same pile of CD’s scattered in the corner, the milk stain on his royal blue carpet that his asshole brother blamed on him when they were younger, the same creases on his bed – showing the spaces that two people had once filled…only now one of the spaces was empty. The door opens and she walks in, sits on the bed and holds him. He hides his face in her shirt and for the first time in years, he begins to cry.