Hi, my name is Knicki, and well, if you don’t like my story, you can fuck yourself.

As you can tell, I apparently have a attitude, don’t laugh when I tell you I wasn’t like this before, I’m fourteen, that’s way to young to be in love more than twice... Right? Well fuck you, that’s what happened, that’s why I seem older than I really am, that’s why I wear my heart on my sleeve because I love people watching it break and take shape again, That’s why, I can’t trust people, and that’s why I can’t seem to find exactly what I’m looking for. That’s why I can’t listen to mushy love songs without crying or forcing you to change the station, that’s why I can’t walk by certain areas of my home town, and that’s why I can’t look you in the eye. It’s all just branded in that heart on my sleeve I cover up with some long sleeved t-shirts and lots of eyeliner. I’m not trying to look pretty, I’m trying to cover myself up so you can’t see.

Hah, now you want to give me a hug, and tell me “It’s okay” well I’m not okay, and I probably won’t be for a while, so just don’t touch me, just don’t touch me.

Anyway, I guess now I have to tell you why I’m so fucked up like this right? Well lets go back to my childhood... no it wasn’t one of those gushy “Oh Knicki was such a cute baby” Things, I grew up in a hell house, nothing ever seemed okay, and the times my parents did hug me was when I was screaming so loud they couldn’t stand the sound anymore, my dad was never home, and then was I wasn’t the only one screaming, everyone in my house was insane most of the time. I grew up, I grew out of it, I learned not to cry. That’s what I got from my family.

Now in school, I guess I was kind of popular, how did I know? I was only like, 7 or 8. My first best friends, who I was always talking about being best friends forever with moved or died, I always moved on somehow, I guess I was living on a cloud of my own doubt, I could care less if they left, hell, I didn’t need them. Well maybe I did just a little bit, but it’s not like I could confide in anyone without them trying to send me to the counselor. So we gave up on that one.

Around 4th grade I found my “BFF” yeah, we’ll keep the fact that she was a total bitch and used me for her own personal gain under wraps. I hung out with her for a few years, she used to scratch me all the time and tried to make me look like an idiot in front of guys so they’d date her, like one of those cute dogs people buy just to make them look cooler. Whatever, I moved on, again. And eventually moved out of the state.

You see my parents split up, apparently the screaming was lasting much too long and nobody could take it anymore, my mom ended up stuck with me, and we moved across three states to this hick arse town in West Virginia, this is where my first heart break sob story starts.

Isn’t it funny how you can be the total “ew” of the school, go to a new school and guys are all over you? Well that’s how it was, I just tried to lay low, sneak around, until I found “Him” he was the only guy I could have ever seen through the crowd that wasn’t staring straight at me until I looked at him first, only guy in that crowd of people who would make me work for him. I guess I liked that. I wasn’t always about taking the easy way out.

So we used to flirt a lot, I found out he had a girlfriend, so I started talking to her, it turns out she was a major nerd, so I used to hang out with her all the time just to see Derek, which was his name, And so, the used became the user. I used his girlfriend to get to him, and eventually they broke up, eventually we started dating... and eventually I realized how controlling this guy really was.

But hell. I was “In love”

I did everything with this guy, bought new clothes, cut my hair, dyed it the color he wanted. Ditched my mother to go stand in a parking lot with him and a bunch of drunk high-schoolers, In this crazy world, he was the only thing I felt I could rely on, I was young and naïve, and this is what I wanted with my life.

Since in reality, the only friend I had tried to make all year was his ex girlfriend, who, now would never speak to me again, so, Derek was my world, the only person I ever called or talked to, without him my world would come to a crashing halt.

And it did.

One night at a party we were all getting drunk, he told me to go wait in this one room, I remember I was so wasted I could hardly see, but I eventually found a couch to sit down on, I guess I fell asleep, I don’t know, but when I woke up Derek was on the other side of the room attached to the mouth of a girl who I’d never seen before. I got up and walked out, with the help of furniture lining the walls toward the door. I walked home, even though it was about a mile and a half, dark, and about three AM. I got home and cried until I fell asleep, the next morning I cried for two reasons. A.) I had a hangover and B.) I was all alone.

Luckily the next day was a Sunday, and then it decided to snow for the next two days, school was canceled, but it didn’t matter, I was never going back, there. I couldn’t face the humiliation, I just couldn’t do it, and my only choice was to move in with my dad. Which I did.

My dad lived in Arizona. And again the whole “new kid” effect took place, but that was okay, I didn’t talk to anyone for the first 3 weeks of school, I hid in the back of the classrooms, the most socialization I got was “Can I borrow a pencil” which just caused me to hide into my sweater. I never answered.

Life in my dad’s house wasn’t that great either, his girlfriend was a whore, or should I say hooker, as it was her profession. My dad was a drunk who did nothing but sit on the couch and watch porn, I’m not even kidding, he watched porn in front of me in his girlfriend. Sometimes Stacy, my dad’s girlfriends name by the way, used to curl up on the couch with him while watching porn videos, not that he did much reaction to the fact that Stacy constantly had her boobs in my dads face, he didn’t even react, he just sat there, I don’t think I saw him move off the couch once while I was living there.

I used to walk to school, and there was always this kid across the street who used to walk the same way I did, I usually made sure I was a few steps behind him, just enough to make out the Guns N’ Roses patches on his messenger bag, he had long black hair and a fucked up complexion. I was totally shocked when one day he just decided to start talking to me, I don’t remember what our first conversation was about, but I guess, I kind of freaked, ran across the street and took the long way to school.

He kept doing that every day, until one day I answered, with “Hi” and ending up attempting to jump the barrier on the side of the road, to run through a field into a even longer way to school. I fell jumping the 5 foot tall barrier, and he grabbed my arm to help me up. HE GRABBED MY ARM. I just wanted to scream at him to not touch me, but I couldn’t get off the ground by myself, I just wanted him to let go and leave me there to die. Apparently I’d fucked up my ankle really badly, and he took me to the school nurse, who put all these bandages on it. Great, oh and did I mention she decided to play 20 questions? “How are you feeling” “Does it hurt when I press it here” To tell you the truth, I hadn’t spoken a word to anyone besides that “Hi” this morning in over a month. Yeah... it was awkward.

Not to mention Adam... which was the boy with the messenger bags name, kept introducing himself until I finally told him my name. Somehow after then I started talking to him, told him about my old school, we started walking to school together, and stuff like that. He was the only guy/person I talked to at my school. He was apparently all I needed, before long I was happy, again... but things at home were still all crapped up, Stacy wanted to have a bigger part in my life, Righhttt. Yeah let’s have a “Go to work with this whore who’s not even your mom” day. Then she started telling my dad what a bad kid I was, and I started getting punished for the weirdest things, I don’t even remember half of them, all I know if my dad still never moved off the couch.

After about a month, I’d get sick of the yelling in my house, and I’d climb out my window over to Adam’s. I don’t know if his mom was okay with me going there so late at night, but they always let me in, I always got at least a hour of crying all over Adam’s black t-shirt before I had to go home. And naturally we got really close, he was my best friend, and I loved him with all my heart, maybe we weren’t making out every second we were around each other, well we never really did. Ever, but I loved him like a brother, he was the only thing I was sure of in my life, he was the only thing that brought me out of the cage I’d built around myself, and before long, I had almost forgotten all about Derek, who I thought was my “first love”.

It was that summer when I got my heart broken again, if you remember me talking about my childhood and how all my best friend’s had either moved or died.

Adam took the second option. July 17th he and his mother were hit by an oncoming truck, it smashed into the passenger side causing Adam to die instantly. His mom lived, but she broke her leg and it never quite set back right. And again, I was set off into the chaos that is this world. And this time without Adam. Sometimes I hate him so much for leaving me, Sometimes I wish he had died of cancer or something, so at least I could have said a proper goodbye. And I don’t believe that bullshit my mom fed me about “how he’s still with us” I don’t want him to stay around here, he deserved so much better than that.

After that I realized I couldn’t stay here anymore, Adam was my only escape from my parents, from school, from my past, from everyone, and after he was gone, All these ghosts came out of closets in my mind and chased me around until I was just sick of it. I left, to move in with my brother who was 25 now and had moved out of my Fathers house years before. I’m happy here, I guess, you always guessed that the girl in the back of the bus with her sweater pulled up around her lime green hair, and her chewed up fingernails digging into a notebook would have such a past, would you? Well this is why I hide from myself, the people around me, I probably won’t be okay for a long time, but now, I know what it’s like to be lost, to be scared without anyone around to protect you, this is how it feels to grow up in a world where a kid can lose her childhood in the blink of an eye. This is my story, and I’m sorry for keeping you here for so long.