Kathleen Ingleby

Why?

“How dare you! You…” Emptiness had consumed me and I don’t know why. Tears should be coming like they have to my sister and brother, but they seem to find no reason to. No matter whether we cry or not it won’t change what’s happening. It won’t change the fact that this family has finally begun to fall apart.

“You had no right to tell Alex!” Mum yelled, choking slightly on her selfish tears. “I want you out of my house!”

“No, I’m not leaving.” Michael said calmly. From my position on the stairs I could see him continue to get ready for his night out of clubbing. “He had a right to know what kind of mother he has!” They continue on, their language getting worse, their voices getting higher, louder. This must all be a dream, one that could be stopped with a pinch…but the pinch wasn’t working.

Beth runs down the stairs crying, running out of the house with no shoes, she should have shoes. Alex is still upstairs crying in his room, unable to help Beth or anyone else, not even himself. I quickly walk to the front door and call out to my sister.

“Beth come back! You need some shoes!” It was silly to care about the shoes so much; but it was the only thing I could bear concentrating on. Upstairs our mother could be heard beginning to pack.

“If he won’t leave then I will!” She yelled to our father who was hopelessly trying to calm her down.

“Don’t be silly June, where would you go? We need you here.” But it was a pointless action.

Michael came down the stairs, shouting to Beth to come back in.

“I can’t! I can’t take this anymore!” Beth cries, beginning to make her way down the street towards our grandparent’s house.

Still any feelings are dormant within my soul. I look over at Michael all ready for his night out, knowing he will get drunk tonight, knowing he would cry his heart out. Everyone except me would cry over this. Why?

Mum came down the stairs slowly, dragging her suitcase and sniffling. She didn’t look at us, didn’t want to see what she was leaving behind. I wondered whether she would stay if I asked her to, if anyone other than our father begged. But none of us did. Alex was in his room, Michael was too proud and I was too confused over what to feel.

Ten minutes after she’d left we were still standing there. Alex had come down unable to cry anymore, my dad just kept smiling, saying not to worry, she’d be back. A taxi arrived for Michael and he left, he had long grown used to this behaviour but I had never realised just how broken up our family really was before. We continued to stand there until Beth came charging back into the house. Mum had gone to nana’s house where Beth had been and nana had tried to make them talk. Anyone could see Beth wasn’t ready for that, no one was.

What would happen now? Our mother had always said she wanted a divorce from our dad; that she wanted to be away from him. But she had never packed like this before; she had never physically left us.

It was then tears began to form, now that the empty living room concealed me from the others. We had been watching T.V before this had happened, me and Alex. Now Alex was with Beth crying and I was sat alone in my mum’s chair, snuggling into it as much as possible. Alone. The loneliness was overwhelming me because now it was obvious my mum didn’t love me. She had left us…

My first tear was about to fall, the tear of acceptance, when there was a knock on the door. My dad called for me and Alex and at first I didn’t move. I just wanted to sit here and pretend to watch T.V. Just to sit here and begin to accept…but Alex ran down the stairs so I sighed and made my way to the door. There stood our grandfather, the involuntary messenger, looking grave and tired.

“She wants to see you two.” We all glanced up at the stairs where Beth was.

“What about Beth?” I asked. Beth just shook her head and ran to her room. Mum hadn’t asked for her, hadn’t wanted to see her second eldest, her eldest daughter.

I wanted to say no, wanted to have the choice to decide over my own life. She had just left us, prepared to never see us again. Why should I now go convince her to come back? Why?

Alex was already out of the door and my dad was telling me to follow. Alex glanced back at me, begging me to come. He couldn’t do this alone, I knew that, but…more than anything I wanted to just accept she was gone forever. Coping with the idea of her coming back and then having to wait for the next time she would leave us was too much. I just wanted it to be over now.

I looked up at my dad pleadingly, not daring to look at Alex. Please don’t make me go. I pleaded to him silently. Don’t make me feel this nothingness forever.

The next thing I knew we were walking down the dark, uninviting street towards our nana’s house. It was cold, both outside me and in me, in my very heart. Our grandfather was talking about the stars; he always would talk about them to us. This time I didn’t listen, only felt numb and cold all at once. We were getting nearer. I wanted to run, run to my aunt’s house and forget I had a mother and a father. My brothers and sister could come too, as long as we had each other we could survive anything, even this.

We reached the back door and our grandfather slowly opened it. There she was, sniffling on the sofa, looking up at us with shame. Still I felt nothing, had no empathy for her; she was just acting like a spoilt child.

“See, your young ones still need you.” Our nana cooed to her, as if she were the child that needed comforting. Our feelings, the feelings of the actual children here, weren’t even going to be asked about.

“But Michael told them!” She sniffed. I wanted to hit her then, try to knock some sense into her thick head. Yes, Michael had told us about her boyfriend, we knew what kind of mother she was now. She would leave us the moment he wanted her to. For that I hate her, wanted to scream at her, hit her, make her see what she was putting us through, her children! I wanted her to feel what my brothers and sister were feeling, wanted her to feel the nothingness that had consumed me!

“They don’t care about that.” Our nana continued and hugged her precious, angelic daughter. She made us hug her too, the selfish, uncaring slag of a mother. “They still love you.”

Yes, I do love her still. But why? Why should I still love her after she had left us?

“Yes! My babies!” She wailed while hugging us tightly. I put one arm around her, still feeling nothing. One day she would really leave us and she wouldn’t come back, she wouldn’t just run down the street. I knew that, yet I still couldn’t feel.

“Quickly get ready dear!” I heard a childish giggle escape the forty-something year old and listened to her climb up the stairs. The day had finally come It’s been five years since that day, years of me waiting for this moment to arrive, the moment when she would finally leave us. Half of me wants her to, wants the emptiness I have suffered to finally be over. But the other half wants her to stay, doesn’t want my emotions to ever resurface over what has happened to our family. But now, on the 6th June as I stand in the kitchen it is finally happening.

I listen to the stranger pace about in our passage and keep hidden from his view. I didn’t want to know who it was, he was part of the reason I had changed. For so long I have been a zombie, unable to live life properly. She was the reason for this. I’m not the only one that has changed since that day. Michael and Beth left, for a while they would cry for no reason too. Now they are away from it all. They are alive now. And dad…he’s moved on with his life, finally unable to take her a moment longer and packing up. I always found it strange we were never close to my dad, but he usually had taken her side despite how he was treated by her. I guess now he’s too concerned with himself to care about us.

I can hear her skipping about upstairs, acting like a six year going out on a field trip. The emptiness is numbingly cold in me, so cold it hurts. I could just picture her wearing her favourite outfit, the outfit a teenager with a huge crush would wear. She had a red top with the words ‘bite me I’m juicy’ on, which had made my stomach churn when I first saw it. She wore low cut jeans, one that I couldn’t help but think were easily accessible to any who wanted her. It made me feel sick just thinking of it.

She called Alex selfish for having friends, said he should spend more time at home. It hurts him; he’s too easily hurt by her. He can’t block out her emotional blackmail like me. As for me…she doesn’t understand me. I wanted her to be happy about who I was, but that was never going to happen now.

She came back down, grinning like a child with sweets, and I turned away from the doorway, melting down to the floor. It’s really happening I thought silently At least Alex isn’t here. I heard her talking like a child again, begging to go abroad. It was the last time I ever heard her.

I thought about shoes, wondering what shoes she was wearing, would wear tomorrow. I thought about my old shoes…then I realised she wouldn’t be wearing shoes, she would be wearing her new sporty trainers, the ones with the blue laces. Shoes no longer meant anything now.

The front door closed and there was silence. I was all alone. Too alone.

Why?

I climbed to my feet, still unable to feel, checking the hallway to make sure she was really gone. She was gone, gone forever. I gazed at the floor, noticing her old pair of black shoes neatly set on her shelf, I carefully picked them up, brushing a little speck of mud off them. They would never be worn again.

I walked upstairs to my mirror, glaring at my reflection. Still no tears came.

“Cry!” I demanded, poking the glass. “She left you, she doesn’t care! She’s gone forever!” I was smashing it with her black shoe, pieces of glass cracking. Never again would she care about these shoes, care about how much I had wanted to wear them when I once admired her.

I stopped shouting, stopped smashing and fell to my knees. What had she done to me? Why had I become this?

Why?

I cupped my face into my hands, the black shoe falling from my hand as I bled with salty tears. She was gone.

Why?