yet another selfish prayer

Father, You gave me so much
gave up everything so that i might live
thought of me above Yourself
above all else
understood me when no one else could
felt my pain when no one else would care to know
but all i ever thought of
all i ever think of even now is myself
selfish
egocentric
arrogant
stolid
stubborn
sarcastic
cynical
pessimistic
seemingly beyond repair
i think myself a burden
and welcome death over the life You offer
which only wounds those i love
those who i (should) know love me
i only further break myself
crushing the pieces of my shattered soul to dust
and all the while
i thrust the dagger deeper into Your heart
and shed Your blood anew
crucify You once again
as Your eyes fill with tears of suffering and sorrow
but as much as i have brought You pain
You return with pure devotion
stripping away the pride in the wreck i’ve become
take up the broken shards of my life
and make it something beautiful
a work of art
Your masterpiece
only You can change
the bitter thoughts of my mind
the deviant ways of my heart
and set my feet upon the path
that leads to what You know is best for me
so i may illuminate the lives of others
rather than darken them
as i have always done before
entwined in the shadows
drown me in Your light
mold me in Your hands
wrap me in Your arms
i love You eternally
for who else would want so desperately
a daughter so unworthy?