Let Me Die

I woke up early. It was only five in the morning. Slowly I crawled out of bed and got dressed. I was wearing my favorite jeans and the shirt I always wore with them. I pulled on my favorite boots. Quickly I ran my brush through my long, flowing, brown hair. I put on my usual make up. Putting the final touch on my outfit, I threw on my denim jacket. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Everyone always said they liked this outfit.

As each day went by, the pain got worse. The burning desire grew stronger. Even though I hid it from everyone; the people that claimed were my friends, teachers, my parents. No one knew how I really felt. Not even my “best friend.”

I’m guess you are wondering what it is I’m going on about. What my burning desire is. Well…my burning desire is to die. That’s all I want out of life; to just die. Be wiped off the face of this god forsaken earth.

After turning my light off, I sat in front of the computer. The only light in the room was the glow from the computer screen. The only sound was the tap, tap, taping of the keyboard and the constant playing of “Pardon Me” by Incubus.

As the hour soon turned to six, then to seven, I kept typing; never stopping, never slowing, just typing. The same song was playing over and over. I was aware that the room was growing lighter, as the sun began to rise.

When I finally pulled away from the computer, it was 7:30 am; time for me to catch the bus. I threw my backpack over one shoulder, gabber my CD player, and headed to the corner. The same six kids where there. They were there everyday. I didn’t bother them, and they didn’t bother me. I just stood there with my CD player and backpack, as they stood there smoking. I was always tempted to say something to them, but decided not to start anything.

Soon the bus was there. As I got on, I took the usual seat in the back. Sitting there, alone, I listened to my music and stared out the window. Eventually the bus pulled in front of the school. I took a deep breath and pasted a smile on my lip glossed lips. Walking into school, I first went to my locker. Then I went to the usual “hang out”. All of my “friends” hung out at the school store before and after school.

“Sam! Hey! What’s up?” said Lynn, my best friend.

“Nothing, what’s up with you?” I replied, leaning against the counter. “Hey, Mike,” I added, nodding at the guy standing on the other side.

“Hey,” he smiled.

“Not much. My parents are being asses again,” said Lynn.

“So what else is new?” I said sarcastically.

“Hey, Sam! How are you?” asked Marie, one of my other friends, who worked at the school store.

“I’m great!” I said. “You?”

“Alright,” she replied.

“Cool.”

We all talked for about ten minutes before the warning bell rang and it was time to go to homeroom. Well, I didn’t really talk. I just stood there listening. I figured there was no point in talking, since no one listened anyway. That’s how it always was when we got together. I just stood there and watched as everyone else talked. We departed and each went to our classrooms. I watched as Mike and Lynn walked down the hall, hand in hand. Shaking my head, I went to my own class.

I felt bad for them. They were so perfect for each other, but Lynn’s parents refused to see that. I, also, felt selfish. I always got so jealous when they were together. It always seemed as though I never existed, and I felt selfish for that. I don’t have right to be upset when she spends time with him. Sure, she was my best friend, but that past. I knew, deep down I knew, that we were no longer best friends. We were fine when it was just us, but when Mike was around, she didn’t talk to me.

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Later that day, after school, I went from my eighth period class down to the school store, where everyone hung out until it closed. There weren’t very many people there, but it would get crowded very soon. It always did.

“Hey, Sam,” Mike said.

“Hey. Lynn been down yet?” I asked.

“Nope, not yet.”

“Okay, she’ll be down soon. Always is.”

With that the conversation pretty much ended. We never really talk much. Every now and then we do, but not often. I don’t really know him. The only reason I do is because of Lynn. He was pretty cool though. Everyone thought so.

Soon Lynn and Marie came down. Then Lisa and Mandy came by. We all stood there talking until the store closed at quarter to three. I stood there and watched as usual. Only I kept trying to talk this time. Marie would listen to me…until she found someone better to talk to.

When the store closed we stood there, in the hall, talking for a few minutes. Soon Lynn and Mike left in one direction, and Marie, Lisa, and Mandy went the other direction. I was left there, all alone, like usual. None of them ever said anything to me. They just left. I looked one way, then the other, trying to figure out whom to go with. I turned around and went into the bathroom.

Locking myself in the stall, I began to cry. I was always being ignored. I stood there, back against the wall, book bag in my hand, crying, for about five minutes. Once the sobs subsided, I wiped my eyes and left the bathroom.

“Samantha what’s wrong?”

I looked up and saw my friend Janet standing n front of me. I had hardly talked to her since the play last year. We weren’t very close, but she was cool. Even so, I shook my head and told her nothing, but she didn’t buy it. Of course she didn’t. My eyes were red and blotchy and I had tears running down my cheeks. I wouldn’t buy it either. Reluctantly I told her and she said that I could call her whenever I wanted. She hugged me and went to her locker.

I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so alone. Sure, Janet was nice and all, but what about everyone else. I felt as if they didn’t like me anymore. As I walked home I kept thinking about it all. I was tired of being ignored. I was sick of feeling like no one wanted me around. I decided I was through. I wasn’t going to instant message anyone, call anyone, and write notes or even start a conversation with anyone in the halls. I was going to stop going to the store. I would have stopped eating at the lunch table, but that would be too obvious.

When I got home, I was so grateful that no one was home. I sat at my computer and scanned through my song collection, looking for the perfect song. “So Beautiful,” by Dashboard Confessional was what I chose. That had become my favorite song. Putting it on repeat, I began to write, just as I had done earlier that day.

I wrote about everything, but mainly how I felt lonely. For the last few months, I had felt like no one cared about me. I was an invisible speck in the crowd, just there as space filler. As if the world wasn’t too crowded already. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how God could make such a mistake.

My friends seemed to be ignoring me. They seemed to forget that I was there. When we were one on one, it was fine, but as a group, when we were all together, I felt ignored. It confused me because usually I liked to be alone, but lately, it’s just been too much.

Suddenly the phone rang. I prayed it wasn’t who I thought it might be. “Hello?”

Sure enough, it was Lynn. I groaned slightly, not wanting to talk to her. I didn’t know how to get out of it, so I just talked. “Hey, Sam! What’s up?”

“Not much, just writing and listening to music.” I said.

“What are you listening to?”

“Dashboard,” I said. “What else?”

“Right, stupid question. So…Mike says hi,” Lynn said.

“Hi, Mike,” I said, knowing full well they were on chat.

“Can we do three-way?” she asked.

“Sure, why not?” I sighed.

A few minutes later, we were all on the phone. We talked for five or ten minutes. Not about anything important, just talked. Lynn told me that our friend, Trent, called her yesterday, and how she didn’t know who it was at first.

Click

“Hello?” I said, but there was no response.

“Hello?” I said a little more loudly.

I waited a few seconds, then hung up. I figured she just hit the off button by accident, so I would wait for her to call back. I waited about ten minutes, but there was no call. Finally, I called back.

“Hello?”

“You hung up on me,” I said, mock-offended.

“No…I hit the flash button.” Lynn replied.

“And you didn’t call me back?”

“I’m still on the phone with Mike…I wanted to talk to him about things,” she said.

“Oh,” I sighed sadly. “Well...I’ll let you go back and talk to him.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I said.

“I might call you later,” she said.

“Okay,” I said, not really believing her.

“Much love.”

“Goodbye,” I simply said.

“What no love?” she said mockingly.

“Much love,” I said, rolling my eyes.

With that, I hung up and leaned against my closed door. Tears rolled down my face. I sat at my computer and began to write a journal entry.

SO MUCH FOR A FUCKING BEST FRIEND! She calls me, then she goes on three-way with Mike, then she hangs up on me and stays on the phone with Mike! I freakin’ hate this. It seems like the only person who understands what she is doing to me is Bliss. I tried telling Marie, but she just says she isn’t doing it on purpose and she’s “in love, it will be that way.” Bull shit! She is my best friend. At least she is supposed to be. I thought she was. I feel like the only one I can really talk to is Bliss. She gets me lately. That seems weird, I know, but it’s true.

FUCK THIS SHIT! I fucking hate it. I really do. Fuck best friends! Whoever invented the term best friend can go to fucking hell. Best friends are bull shit! Friends are bull shit! Friends just cause fucking pain! Fuck friends…I’m done with them. I’m done with having friends all tofuckinggether and I don’t care what anyone thinks about this goddamn entry!

Maybe that’s just it…to end all my pain. Breakaway from everyone. Not have anymore friends…stop any communication with them all together. Yeah…that’s what I’ll do. No more school early, no more after school, no more notes, no more phone, no more chat, no more anything. I’m done all together.

After I cooled down a bit, I realized what was happening.. I knew where Lynn’s priorities were. I understood. Mike was her boyfriend. I understood that he is more important than her best friend. It was completely understandable.

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A/N: So What do you think? Please review.