Break the fallow ground

Break my heart again

Pull aside the veil that blinds my heart

Build my spirit up

Build me up in You

Come save the remnants of my soul

(written Sunday, morning during worship)

God is good, yah? (Traditional chorus: all the time)

How do you put down in words thoughts that aren’t fully defined? I shall try. It started off with an audit exam which, like most papers go, went okay. Will have to wait for results to actually see if it was actually okay or not. Wasted time in that traditional I-just-finished-an-exam-paper mood of rejoicing, although I still have one paper left – but that’s only on Wednesday. Took the afternoon off, and went to Sunway Pyramid to meet up with Yuin-Y. Had a nice brief time talking before Angeline and Mary turned up. So, we had a little session of getting-to-know-you’s and eating and all that and some time just walking aimlessly.

But before that, I’d picked up Extravagant Worship again as something to read during bored in-betweens, and I brought it along for the boring LRT ride. To think, since Hillsongs 02 to now, I’ve learnt so many things and forgotten them. The words were still banging around in my head, but somehow they’d gotten lost on the way to my spirit. And re-reading the book, it’s like hey girl, what happened to that I-wanna-be-big-for-God thing that you were so passionate about when you first came back? Remember when that was the only topic you were keen on? Remember when you, Francis and Josh shared at Prai outreach and fireBRANDS? How BIG is your God now?

I like the part in the first chapter that says – KNOW YOUR WORTH.

It goes:

When you understand who you are in Christ, there is a rest that enters your soul which cannot co-exist with striving and struggling – it’s like trying to put dark and light in together. They cant’ co-exist. What you do does matter, but WHO YOU ARE MATTERS MORE.

Darlene describes praise as an explosion of faith that allows you to run straight into the loving arms of Jesus. She talks about the shout of praise and faith that breaks down walls.

Shout down the walls of fear and pride

Praise down the walls of hate

Sing out His love and faithfulness

Live out His generous grace!

(written Saturday, on the LRT)

EXTRAVAGANT WORSHIP.

I’d forgotten to be extravagant. I’d forgotten to NOT care. I’d walked right up to my walls and stopped. And forgotten, like everything else, that my God is BIGGER than those walls. Made me think of that green LIVE notebook-diary thing that I have.

Live love

Live life

Live LOUD

Extravagant Worship

Me, to me:

You gave that illustration of each person’s extravagance being something OVER what they normally are, and then you excuse yourself with your half-lifted hands. You forget (or ignore) the fact that by nature you are impulsive, and by nature you can be LOUD. Only, you are afraid of people’s opinions. But you weren’t to care, remember?

Seek the face of the LORD, not to save your own and BE ALL YOU WERE CREATED TO BE. You are an actress and singer – your loudness shows. Stop holding it back.

Well, powerful worship. Sang songs I haven’t sung for so long, like Shout of the King and Reflector. There were only 3 songs… the other one... Rain Down? (Rain down on me, rain down on me, here in Your presence I am free…) Not too sure of the exact title, but I think that’s the right title lah. Only three songs for worship! And Ps Kenneth Chin talked about Power in the church being the evidence of God’s presence… the evidence of lives lived right with God. That things will be settled beautifully in His time.

And PRAISE! (that caught my attention) Consistent praise, powerful praise, evidencing a changed life, having no time to put men down.

And then People – dealing with problems. Favour with people because of Him – giving TIME to people and being a different KIND of people.

Don’t hold on to the past!

Ah, it was a message that went right smack to the heart, where all the other thingies about worship and extravagance were still being blended about.

And today… something happened that is hard to explain, even if you know the story. I can’t say I know why it happened, or how it happened, but it has to be God who made it happen. And it feels good. Communication lines are more open now, and I believe it’s looking up! It’s been a happening weekend, and I’m wondering, is it because of some decisions I made that opened the way to make it happen? Is it just the right timing for God? Or is it that my spiritual life’s been taking an upturn since I started being more consistent? Or maybe everything?

Like I said, half-defined thoughts are hard to capture, and my thoughts are still not sorted out, what with meeting again old friends, meeting new friends, exams, and… uh, you see, I was distracted for a moment, and I forgot what the ‘and’ was. Oh yeah, pondering SIB membership. If only the whole of the year could be this good! (And why not?)

Wondering why God’s bringing all these old acquaintances back. Ung Kiong from Sibu, after 10 years of silence. Soon Hua, whom I barely remembered from MGSCF. Bryan Tan, with his thoughts on music. I even chatted with Adeline Kiew online, another old classmate from Sibu days. Started writing / chatting with Joel Chan. Wai Nyan – if you can count him an old acquaintance on the basis of a half-remembered camp (ooo, gigantic rhinoceros beetles) in some logging camp in Sarawak.

Making new friends – starting to communicate with people from the YA forums (other than brief posts with my on-and-off readings of threads). Chatting with Ivan Cheong and Fay. Meeting Angeline, Ung Kiong’s sister. I have this deja-vu thing of being a little unable to explain some relationships. Like, how did you meet Edrian? “Uh… he’s my cousin’s friend. But we sort of just exchanged numbers on my blog and uh… met up.” And, so who brought you to ACTS? “Well, I came with Yuin, because she’s my best friend… and uh… I brought Angeline, because she’s my friend’s sister (nope, didn’t tell them that I’d only met her on that Sat for the first time) and Angeline brought her classmate, Mary. Something like that.”

Still, one very weird old friendship to repair that I haven’t gotten round to. (No, I haven’t forgotten about it.) But it’s hard to start, I don’t know where to begin, and I haven’t taken that first step (that I told myself to do), which is to talk to my parents about it first. Oh well, will be home in a few days. A few more days won’t matter to a matter that has been around for a few years already.

Membership. Is there a point signing up for membership when I will, in all probability, only be there for one more year? I am SO not planning to stay on in KL. I wanted to do it, but mum said, but it’s only one year! And I’m thinking, yeah hor. I’ll barely be doing anything before I’m saying my goodbyes. Will have to think harder on that one.

Maybe the reason all these things are suddenly unfolding now is because I’m becoming more receptive to God. Things made beautiful in His time, like a book in progress. Sleep calls. Brain processes are slowing down. I’ll continue this another day, probably after exams. Maybe I’ll be more sorted out by then.

My life is a ball of yarn after the cat got at it. Still tangled and full of knots, but slowly being wound up to perfection by the infinitely patient, miracle-working, knot-untying Saviour.