Butterflies

It's completely and utterly irrational.

I mean I always thought that if I fell in love it'd be big.

Ridiculously big.

All fireworks and cannon blasts, with a big fuck-off aeroplane swirling

"I'M IN LOVE"

In the sky.

But it wasn't like that.

Not in the least.

Sure I figured he was cute when I first saw him, but still ..

Instead of the bang all I felt were butterflies

Light and heady.

Swirling around in my stomach as subtle as a ripple on a pond...

Holy fuck

I’m spouting poetry now, god help me

I’m seriously gone aren't I?

But I’m digressing, back to the story, it started as friendship...

Then again, doesn't everything?

Well yeah, that's how it started

Conversations under the swirling smoke of cigarettes.

Not exactly the most romantic scene, but fuck that’s real life;

Something a romantic such as myself finds hard to deal with.

And yeah, before I knew it I found myself looking forward to these conversations

They became a lighting point in this otherwise dismal, monotonous routine

And now?

Now they're an addiction

I need him as much as I need the smoke and the beauty.

And .. I've taken the first step

And ... I'm feeling like a moron

Doubt and fear's causing a hurricane in my mind; denting my stomach like a sledge-hammer

What if I’ve broken it?

That tangible, yet so very fragile thread that weaves its way from me to him…

What if I’ll never get it again?

Because now I know, the best things don't have to turn you upside down;

They can be slow and subtle; hitting you as hard as a flap of the wings of a butterfly.

It's completely and utterly irrational, I know.

But then again that's love.

And all I really know is,

If it ends?

Well .. I'm really gonna miss those butterflies.

Fin

A.N. – musings from a teenager in love. Take it as het or slash if you will, though I have to admit I have a tendency to view it as slash

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