“Kinda like a cloud I was up way up in the sky

and I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe

sometimes I don't believe them myself

and I decided I was never coming down,”

Nine Inch Nails

Rickety Boat of Life

Laying there, staring up into the cold, cloudy sky, I realized something. My eyes were closed. I was breathing through my nose, letting that cold air sting the inside and all the way into my lungs. My lungs were in my chest like they were supposed to be, but I didn’t feel them. They really didn’t exist at the time. I blame my heart for that. My heart was so overwhelmingly numb that it numbed everything around it.

I rocked slowly, keeping my eyes closed. The sound of water was supposed to be comforting, but it only brought on poisonous despair. Despair wasn’t something I was a stranger to, for I was already accustomed to the feeling. I lied there, listening, rocking back and forth, and wondering if anyone cared where I was. Probably not, but sometimes someone that you’d never dreamed of might. Like your cat, they seem to care only when you’re gone.

A slight gust of wind rocked my little boat. My poor excuse for a boat that is. It rocked and wavered, almost gently, teasing me as it could overturn violently at any time if it so felt the need. I had no control over it. The oars had broken and were floating somewhere in the water around me I could’ve bet. But I didn’t know that, all I did was lay there staring at the sky with my closed eyes. I felt a slight dip in the water I was helplessly traveling in. My eyes cracked, but I really didn’t care, so I just closed them again.

I could’ve gotten off that boat at any time. I wasn’t tied, held down, or shackled in any way. The shore was close by; I knew it in my numb, unfeeling heart. At least I knew something; I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I should’ve cared, right? Normal people care. I guess that just supports how “unnormal” I was. I shrugged to myself, which caused a bit of a knock in the flow of my little boat. I’d caused it that time and it made me start to wonder as to the stability of the boat.

My feet were cold. They were numb like my lungs and my heart. I didn’t quite understand why, since my brain was numb as well, and it was closer to my heart than my feet. I opened my eyes and was instantly blinded with the light that pretended to care. The light hurt, it stung my brain, and my heart spiked a frost. Squinting, shielding the sun, I looked to my feet. They were wet, was there a leak? My legs were stiff, at that point I’d wondered how long I had been lying like that not moving, and again the prospect of being alone crossed my mind. Did anyone notice I was gone? Again, I thought probably not.

I sat up, feeling a stretch in the soggy wood beneath me, and I used my eyes. Pierced with the light, my eyes felt unused and cold. The shore was still close by, but if I really needed it I couldn’t get to it unless I jumped into the cold water. Up ahead was more of the water I was riding on, but it turned black. Black was interesting, it gave me a sort of comforting feel. It got me away from the probing light and allowed me to blend in with the background, or so I thought. The blackness was an illusion, as soon I was encompassed in blackness. Where was I? I couldn’t see a thing. I could feel my numb feet, my heart, lungs, and brain. But aside from the numbness, I really couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t actually care that I had no idea where I was, I wonder if anyone else cared?

I sighed, and suddenly realized that I was more comfortable in the dark there than I had been coasting under the sun in my rickety little boat; whatever. I lied back down and closed my eyes again, I didn’t want to see; I’d seen it all. Alone, I coasted through that cave, listening to the bats squeaking above me and to the water rustle from time to time. I liked to think there was a sea serpent underneath my boat, just waiting. I was waiting, but I don’t know what I was waiting for. Pathetic really, if you think about it, I was alone and felt much more secure than if I was actually with someone. They probably had medication for that, but I didn’t want it.

I couldn’t control the boat, and I couldn’t get back to land, and I was alone. I didn’t care though, if nobody else did why should I? I turned over. This had been the first time I’d moved my entire body since I could remember for a while. I wasn’t hungry, thirsty, or uncomfortable. In the cold, numb, aloneness I was right at home. I was used to it. Everyday was like this…why were most people so afraid?