Authors notes : this is my last english class vignette i promise. gack! i have burn on my ears! it stings and my skin is peeling off! omg...that was just random and had nothing to do with anything! actually...it does. nvrmnd...now that i think about it, the coldburn on my ears has to do with everything! arg! well...enjoy the secrets of my soul!

Worry

Worry, fear, guilt, regret…

Worms that eat you from the inside out, they crawl in your stomach and climb to your chest and eat little holes in your heart that grow and grow.

Worry, keeping me from closing my eyes, Worry, that god cannot even grant my simplest only prayer. Keep them safe, protect, all my friends and those we know.

Fear, always there. From the moment I open my eyes. Fear, that we walk with, day and night. Walking onward, numbly ahead. Avoid the train, avoid those tracks, I know your afraid, but there's no turning back.

Worry, about something you cannot control. It puts you out of control. Into midnight tears and dark emptiness. To step into a sealed dark room, pretend that you aren't even there.

But what if I could control it? Help it? Just add that small bit that might change things forever?

Guilt, why couldn't I help when I had the chance? Worry, what if it happens again?

Regret, the pain, the hole that grows. When the noise edges away. When I am not running, gasping, heart beating too fast to slow down.

Letting physical pain be too much to feel the one inside.

Lie down, close your eyes, don't worry, relax.

Sheclaps my hands together, don't worry, she says, just pray.

I can't, I say I will, but I know I can't.

Even in times of peace, when I should be breathing softly, when I should be minding my own.

One moment of happiness, ten moments of sadness, nothing is ever still. It was too fast at one point, for me to ever be used to being still again. I have to get out there, isn't that the smell of smoke? Isn't that the sound of a falling plane? But nothings there, just noises in my head.

Have some hope, she says. I'm sorry; I can't understand how you feel, but have some hope.

I can't.

Could it be, that if she leaves me now, and I lose her in this easier way, then she will be all right?

Or is it, I must call her back with whatever it takes, and protect her still?

It's numbing, killing me, freeing me.

Worry, fear, guilt, regret, sorrow, love…