Missing Heart

By Koe Soma

The light outside my window gleams with complete majesty, I hear the Beckon children convulsing with joy, the dogs and birds own language are declaring their existence and yet its all wrong. It’s foolish and ridiculous – how their glee sings through the air and crashes into the windows of my house…I’m starting to despise it. I’m starting to conjure cruel thoughts for these careless people – I’ve begun to hate them more and more. I want to take a sodden tablecloth and gently yet forcefully wipe their smiles away – I desire nothing more then to obliterate their contentment.

My wearied eyes barely pass the clear glass and sear into their skin – determination is the only inkling that lets me antagonize them. How can those evil people curve their lips towards the sun when such sadness is present? Do their worthless souls even stop to imagine the dying man behind the walls? Oh how this malice is turning me. How it is taking the only drop of mortality in me and washing it with barbarity. Horrible, ill-fated impressions are curving around my insides and owning me with bad blood. So this is what I’ve become? This is the rotten creature born from such depression. It is your fault – it is her fault.

I still treasure and remember that day – it is like a diluted flashback – an improbable memory. How the rain had slopped against my clothes, enough to make me sick and yet as faint as I had felt my voice still bellowed into the wind.

“It’s your fault Gabriel! It’s all your fault!”

How I hated her and loved her. She was so cunning…had such intellect – at least enough to fool a pitiful man like me. If I had known that under her light, caressing smile hid a spiteful grin. If only I had known. I might have climbed the ravishing stairs of an elevating building and let my body fly down to the earth. I probably would have shamefully punctured my heart with a cursed metal object – anything that would have prevented the pain she caused. If she had just poisoned me, if she had drew on my neck with a blade…it would have been so much more….peaceful. If I could change the past I would have stopped those piercing words…that I had wanted so much. ‘I love you’ what destructible syllables – what unfair slithers produced by a mouth.

Ah yes, it really is a sad story. It is an anecdote that should be written page upon page in a cursed book. A play to be acted out on a dying stage – an image of a life played in a writer’s head. But it is not – it is my life. My glorious existence, that as dimmed so it is not even a slight shimmer in the night. That woman…that lady has shunned that very life…that very earthly fate and let it hang in the dark. It was my own fault – my own blunder that caused my fall. Now the only sign of life my eyes lay upon is the children and the morning sun outside of the pane. Life does go on – the suns exposure is never hidden and the laughter never seems to cease.

Oh Gabriel – dear, sweet Gabriel how you played me. How you struck me like cord of harp out of tune – your long slender fingers that of a bitter musician. How your façade of love masked everything true about you – what a heartless girl. But it had to be too good – I knew. In my heart the accuracy of it was always strong and steady…but I just could not accept it. I could not unlock my hand from yours – I could not forget those long days in the cushions of my room…I could not…

I’ve always wondered how someone could be so ruthless – how a soul could be so cold. Gabriel…she had such immense splendor – even a blind man could see that. But also something else a man with no eyes could see is the evil that grew inside. If I had stabbed out my eyes…then would I have been aware. Would my senses have woken before you took everything that belonged to me? But no! I always expected it – I knew what was to come. That is why when I woke up that early morning as the sun stung my eyes and I strolled into my library…I was not surprised. I had laughed – I had let free an earsplitting, echoing laugh when I saw everything was gone. My jewelry, my antiques, my life’s savings…..

Soon enough my house will be gone as well. You have taken all my support and I can just wait for others to buy my house. But there is really nothing I could do. I should have done it before – I should have thrown you out, I should have called the authorities…but that beautiful face…those red tinged cheeks, those plump lips…they would not let me. So I sat there and waited for reality to confirm itself. I can never forgive you though – either way I don’t think you mind that.

Of all you not come back and hand me my heart. Can you not lightly tap on my door and give back that pure feeling. I can do nothing but hate and criticize. What have the poor Beckon children done to me that I hate them so? How have Mother Nature’s creations harmed me? The youngest Beckon child had asked me once why I had such hateful words inside my heart – and I had told him that I had no heart to store them in. I had explained to him that you had stolen it from me – I do not imagine the Beckon boy to come back again…I think I may have frightened him. I startle even myself sometimes.

Well I can hear the knocking at my door now. An irking responsibility lain upon me. I should go; I know they have come to take my house – my very shelter. But even so, I do sometimes dream that it would be a postman giving back that missing organ…if you would prefer to send it in the mail that is. But I know it will never be that. I know it will just be other faces come to steal from me – or more so take what is no longer mine. I guess I should have stopped you – I guess I should have….but I never did. I never…Huh…I never had the heart to do it from the very beginning.