Headphones

I can’t get through anymore.

Arevik recently discovered headphones. It was cute at first—he had no idea they were adjustable, and let them hang lopsided on his head. But then he got used to them. He discovered the secrets of the headphones.

And now he hardly takes them off.

He won’t take those stupid headphones off! I’d like to rip them off, to shatter the false comfort he gets from them.

I can’t do it, though. I wish I could get comfort like that from somewhere. I don’t know why he is comforted, while I am not.

It all started when Daniel died. He said he saved us because we couldn’t be together if one of us was dead. That made me feel so bad… he died because of me. I was the one who was supposed to protect him. And, I mean… I couldn’t even stop him from being hurt… and then he DIED because of me!

It was to cope that Arevik turned to music. Originally, he just listened to Daniel’s music over and over. I tried doing that too, but it only made me more depressed and so I cried and I got less acting jobs. So I stopped listening to the music.

Arevik gradually began to listen to other things—CD’s Daniel had liked, the soundtracks of my movies, and just random songs from the radio. And so he plunged into his music-centered world.

He had those headphones on while he was eating, while he was studying, and basically any other time he was awake. With those things on his ears, he could pretend he didn’t hear me. And maybe he really didn’t, when the music was so deafening that you could hear it clearly from across the room.

It drove me mad.

It was just too much. I was hurting so badly… I needed him to comfort me, but he wasn’t there. He was lost in his music, the same way I was lost in my pain.

For three nights straight I cried myself to sleep. I had always been there for Arevik; so where was he when I needed solace? Why wasn’t he there for me? It hurt so much… I had always liked to think that deep down, he loved me just as much as I loved him, but I suppose I had always been wrong. He wouldn’t comfort me… but why? WHY?

“AREVIK!” I yelled in desperation, but he didn’t hear me. I’m not sure he would’ve listened anyway. I drew a hissing breath in through clenched teeth. Angrily, I ripped the headphones from his ears, throwing them and the player across the room. They crunched against the wall; the batteries fell with a clatter onto the hardwood floor.

Teary blood-red eyes blinked up into mine questioningly. I felt warm liquid seep into my eyes; the tears burned their way slowly down my face. We stared at each other for a moment, before Arevik spoke.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked, his voice thick with the sound of barely controlled sobs.

I lost it then. I threw myself into his arms, sobbing into his shoulder. “Why…? WHY?!” The tears fell hot and thick from my eyes. He was sobbing too, holding me as tightly as he could. “I want him back…” I cried, feeling his nails pressing into my skin through my shirt.

“I do too, Seth…” he said raggedly. He loosened his vice grip, staring imploringly at me with those blood-red eyes of his. “Je t’aime,” he whispered in desperation. I gasped in surprise, gazing intently at him. He was looking away by then, though—it must have been too hard to try and maintain eye contact. He’d always had trouble with that…

I gently grasped his chin, turning it so that he faced me. I opened my mouth to speak, but he stopped me, pressing a slender finger to my lips. He leaned forward, brushing against my ear with his mouth. “You know what that means, right?”

“…Yes,” I whispered, smiling through the tears in my eyes.

He kissed me then— a soft, wet brushing of his lips against mine. From anyone else’s point of view, it wasn’t that special—it was short and soft; there was no fever of passion, no desperate attempts at showing me how he felt by kissing as hard as he could. But… it meant the world to me. I had been waiting on him for so long—for years I hung around, searching for love and affection. And somehow, I had finally found it, just when I needed it the most.

I stared at him; his face was splotchy and his eyes were red from crying. Somehow he had never looked so human. Right now… I could see every flaw, every chink in his emotional armor. And considering the circumstances, he didn’t seem to mind too much that I was seeing him like this—shaken and teary.

Arevik wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling himself into my lap. “I love you,” he whispered, burying his face in the hollow of my neck, “So much…”

I rested my chin on the top of his head, wrapping my arms around his waist as he lay against me. “I love you too,” I murmured. The two of us cried our silent tears for the rest of the night. Tears of joy for love, and tears of exquisite sorrow for the loss of our loved one. “I… I’ll buy you a new CD player tomorrow,” I whispered.

Arevik glanced at the object—it was utterly broken, its pieces lying in a messy pile next to the wall. He pressed his face into my shoulder, squeezing me tightly. “That’s all right… I don’t need it anymore.” He leaned up, kissed my cheek, and then fell asleep against me with tears still trickling from under his eyelids.

And maybe this was the fourth night in a row that I’d cried myself to sleep, but at least this time I wasn’t alone.

This was possibly very confusing. Seth is a movie star, Are-chan is a med student, and Daniel is dead. But he used to be a singer. There are other things involved here, but they're very complicated... and would take a really long time to explain. Blah. Please don't flame, although I don't guess I can stop you. --;;