Dear Baby,

I have a confession to make, an unravelling of a dark secret that is threatening to destroy me; I want to die. I am deeply ashamed to have to admit this to you, someone who has not yet experienced the pleasures or hardships that life has to offer, but you are all I have.

Some nights I wander around our house, tirelessly ambling down unknown streets and down forgotten roads. Mumbling words of discontent and hatred towards myself whilst my desperately relentless search to find the answers to my illogical questions continues. Other nights I lay silently staring into the bleak darkness, embracing the loneliness and wondering what horrfic nightmares lay in wait for me, devoid of any emotion whatsoever. Yesterday night was one of them nights and I am obligied to tell you.

On these nights, I stumble, blind to anything around me in my desperation, to my favourite destination. The Bridge; my own statue of assurance - the assurance that there is an eternal escape route to this torturous game. Climbing this monument I feel powerful and more free than ever before. I gain my balance, The Bridge sways beneath me as the wind howls past - a gentle yet sudden demonstration that even the strongest things can fleeting experience weakness.

I shuffle apprehensive yet determined towards the edgeas notions of release engulf me. Salty tears mix with the rain as I tenderly cry a fraction of my pain away. Sobs rack my slender frame, bruised and broken from unforgettably violent beatings. My mind screams with frustration and misery as to beliefs fight venomously to overpower the other. I stand suspended above the water unable to control my own pathetic self and helplessness overwhelms me. I clamp my shuddering hands to my ears in despair, a futile attempt to block out the confused ramblings; my own broken thoughts; the world itself. An anguised shout escapes my quivering lips, as I beg shamelessly for mercy. My yell echoes through the isolation confirming my fears of being alone yet not unpredicted - I have always been alone. The darkness begins it's descent towards me, suffocating my dreams, my hopes, my tattered emotions but my pain and fears are destroyed too. The night envelopes me into it's clutches as I give in, disgraced, to it's might.

Amidst my stuggle to regain a grasp on reality a voice sings sweetly, words to it's song unrecognisable in he chaos. I strain to hear and understand the murmur as almost instantly the disruptions seizes to exist and an innocent harmony prevails.

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby"

I gaze nervously around me in an attempt to pin-point the owner of the angelic voice but the midst lingering readily nearby restricts my sight. Incomprehension invades my dark, distracted features as I struggle to listen.

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true"

Tears of guilt yet unexplainable happiness spring to my eyes as I understand where the voice originates from. I step unspeaking from the edge of death back into my life of pain. I clamber from my once supporting structure and turn around to face thebrewing thunderstorm.

That night I was balanced precariously between life and death and that solitary singing voice aided me in my startling decision to live. That single voice was you, Baby, thank you and I am sorry.

I cannot promise you that I will never feel alone or melancholy but whilst you are struggling to survive inside me I vow to hold on; it would be selfish of me to deprive the world of such a beautiful person packed with immense potential. Everytime I feel downhearted I shall whipser that song you hummed to me that devastating night and embrace my life, for you, because you are worth a thousand tears and fitful nights, a broken heart and one more scar.

Baby, I love you more dearly than I have ever loved a soul in my short life. There is nothing I would do to harm you and, like a lion guards it's cubs, I will protect you from the horrors of this world as I watch you, with tears of pride and devotion in my eyes, grow into a breath taking human being. There are not words or time enough to describe these emotions that are unremittinglystorming my heart but they are more extraordinary than anything I haveexperienced before.

With undying love,

Your Mommy