here's another monologue, can be a continuation of the last chapter.

The stage is black, accept for a spot center stage with the same girl as last monologue in it at her desk. She is facing the audience, but doesn’t look at them. There is a piece of paper in front of her and she almost ceremonially picks up a pen. As she starts writing, she also starts speaking, but still doesn’t look up.

‘Dear Jonathan,

the time has come to explain some things to you. We’ve known each other for a few years now and we’re getting along more and more. But in a year you’re gone, so it has to be now. It took me some time to join in the group meetings after rehearsal. We joked about it, but it has indeed cost me five years to get over it and join in the fun.

We also had some very serious conversations, but you seem to use a few things said in those conversations by me in a joking way. Making me doubt whether you mean the things you said or not. Either way, it makes me a little uncomfortable.

Why is it that she is the way that she is, you’d think?
And saw it in your eye, why doesn’t she use the word ‘I’ in her written conversations?
Why is she holding herself back in for her unknown situations or places? Goes through your head.
Why does she still sucks her thumb like a little girl? You thought when you saw it.
And when everyone hugged and stuff, you asked yourself, why does she avoid being hugged?

It tends to be abnormal to act this way indeed. But the reason is simple. Someone has hurt my self-esteem a while back. Made me think am not worth a thing. Made me loose my trust in everyone, even myself.

So yes, that’s why this is me.
That’s also why the word ‘I’ doesn’t appear in written text. Because when your not worth anything, you’re definitely not worth to be prominent in said text.

That’s why am afraid of new situations or places, or people. Or everything at once. That’s the reason why they call me socially inapt. We talked about that remember? It’s so scary to step into new situations when you don’t trust other people or yourself for that matter to do the right thing.

You saw me suck my thumb when we were waiting to be dropped for the dropping at camp. It’s the only way to calm my nerves when things really get too much. Too many spurs or too many new, here it comes again, makes my irrational fears go round in my head like a roller coaster. Sucking my thumb is the only way to make me seem calm to the outside world.

And the last thing. You joked about it, saying “she doesn’t like it when people touch,” while touching my knee. And this is why. The man who took my dignity did it by touching. Not in a good way, nope, no such thing. The way it cost him a lawsuit and a thousand from his daughters account. So in a way, he paid me for touching. How twisted is that?

So you see why adjusting to the circumstances is so easy in my case. It makes sure you don’t get noticed.
It makes sure you’re not going to be asked for a something and answer in a wrong way.
It makes sure people won’t invite you for things you don’t know.
It makes sure people won’t come close.
And the most important, it makes sure nobody notices that you’re not worth a thing.

So dear Jonathan, now you know.'

The girl puts down the pen, folds the paper in three and puts it in an envelope.
She writes the name of Jonathan on the front and closes it while saying what just came up in her mind, looking directly at the audience.

'And this girl sincerely hopes that you understand and will not use this to make a fool out of me again… I’m just not worth it.'

The spot goes out.

Thanks for reading. kay