Lies

I believe in you…

That's a thing taken so often for granted in our everyday existence.
Belief. Trust. I've taken advantage of that a million and one times in my life…

Yes, that outfit looks nice…
Yes, I'll be there shortly…
Yes, I love you

I'm sorry
I apologize
From the bottom of my blackened heart, I apologize
For all the chips, without abandon, I'm sorry
I try to help people, to make them happy, to please them

I've made bad choices
I've made mistakes
I've stumbled and fallen

I've hurt people
I've stabbed people in the back
I've taken advantage of their trust

I've lied.
I've spoken words that were not mine to speak
I've pretended to be something I'm not

I'm not a good man
I try
I try to be a good man
I dedicate my life to the good of all, yet I lie
Yet I lie and I lust and I want

I can't get rid of that wanting
I can't rid myself of that selfish desire
I wish I could, but it will take more time

To rid me of my selfish desire would rid me of my passion
To rid me of pain, would rid me of love
To rid me of hurt, would rid me of a myriad things that normal men take for granted

I must learn these lessons first hand
I must stumble into every put and trap to know how to avoid it
To know how to stumble into it all over again
To know NOT to stumble into it all over again

I want to love, but every time I love, I cause pain
I hurt, and I make others hurt
I am imperfect like that

But that is how it must be
I must let go
I must be free

I must extinguish all of my passions
I must raise myself above ignorant assumptions and difficult situation
I must know my limits

I must respect the limits of others

Until that day, however, I must lie
I must lie, and cheat, and break your trust
To keep you happy, and to make my heart run black with my corruption

I'll hold onto the pain
It's not my place
It's not self-sacrifice
But I deserve it
I deserve it, truly

That's no lie.