August ChallengeParameters: Write a Russell-centric dark angst fic Story Started on: January 01, 2005Story Completed: March 20, 2005Edited: June 20, 2005To be submitted: August 31, 2005 Warnings & Disclaimers: This fic was inspired by two songs from Evanescence: “Broken” and “Hello”. If you’re familiar with both songs, then you have an idea how the tone of this fic would go. If not, well... I just need to warn you that you better have some chocolate nearby coz you’ll need it after reading this just to cheer you up. Although I said that, I still recommend that you read this while listening to those two songs, coz itreally adds to the mood. I’m rating this PG13 although I’m not so sure if that rating is applicable... Illusion and all its characters are the intellectual property of my dear friend, Ana Barton. You can find the canon story of Illusion at: http : illusion - the - story . tk (without the spaces of course). Better yet, for quicker updates to the canon story, join the illu mailing list (the link can be found at the above site and at our profile page in fictionpress). Shattered Existence by feifu ( domain of fire yahoo . com )

The wind was blowing hard tonight; his neighbors probably sheltering inside their homes, leaving the streets devoid of any other person’s presence. The disjointed sound of children’s laughter coming from afar made him stop.

It would always pain him that even after two years of marriage, he and his wife could not produce a single child. No. Not after that first miscarriage.

Faye had been devastated. So had he.

It was the car accident that caused it. His fault, really. He had seen a child suddenly cross the street so, trying to avoid the boy, he swerved, only to crash against another vehicle parked on the side of the road.

He received a minor concussion and a few scratches, nothing serious. Faye lost the baby.

He could never forgive himself for not being careful enough. He had walked away in anger that day; away from the hospital, unable to face her. Unable to see the pain he himself was feeling after their loss.

But he couldn’t stay away for long. He went back. But Faye wouldn’t talk to him. She wouldn’t talk to anyone. She was inconsolable. For several days, whenever he tried to start a conversation with her, she would start to cry. Tears would come and run freely down her cheeks. He begged her, tried to console her for he knew that sharing the pain between them would make the loss easier to bear; but she always turned away from him, unwilling to even let him touch her. He figured he could wait, give her time to heal, and did just that.

He stayed around her, never leaving her unless he needed to work. She was released from the hospital days later, her parents taking her to their country home. He let her go thinking that she would get well after some time.

When she got back, he knew that things had changed between them. They barely had any conversations. She was always ignoring him, acting as though he wasn’t even there. Months passed like this. He was glad that they were busy months at work. He started hating going home. He always felt tense when he went home.

As he rounded the corner to their house, he spied her waving to someone driving off in an old Ford SUV. Since the glass of the car wasn’t tinted, he saw that Faye was waving to a male someone. A male someone who’s back looked vaguely familiar.

She turned towards his direction, her face losing its smile as her eyes rested on him. Faye didn’t even deign to acknowledge him with even a nod. She went back inside the house, not waiting for him.

He sped up. Reached the door and found it locked. His anger rose. She had locked him out!

He hurriedly found his key and went inside. She was at the dining room, lighting candles for a table set for two. As soon as he entered the room, she sat down and began to eat. They were both quiet. She wasn’t even looking at him, keeping her eyes down, focused on the food on her plate. He waited for her to say something. Anything. To explain the presence of the one person he had thought was no longer part of her life. He didn’t eat. He didn’t touch anything in the table. They stayed like that till she finished her food and finally put down that damnable fork and knife she used to cut the meat.

She looked up and met his eyes. “Good night, Russell.” She whispered. He didn’t say anything, still waiting for her to explain the presence of his old rival, the man who she almost married instead of him. Several minutes passed in silence, Faye took a deep breath, and stood up leaving the room.

He frowned. So she wasn’t going to tell him anything then, huh?

He followed her to their bedroom. He sat on his side of their bed and watched her get ready to sleep. He could not believe she would end this day like this. He stood up, went to the bathroom and took a shower that did not refresh him.

When he got back, Faye was sound asleep. Despite his anger at her, he didn’t have the heart to disturb her sleep. She looked so innocently troubled in her sleep; a frown marring her forehead as she whispered something in her dream. He got on the bed and leaned over her to kiss her cheek.

Faye shivered. She leaned away from him even in her sleep, burrowing deeper inside her blankets, body in a fetal position. She muttered something he could not understand.

The next day, he skipped work to follow her around. He did not feel any qualms about spying on her. Faye was his wife after all.

She went to the mall just as it opened for the day. She window-shopped for several hours and finally went into a café for coffee. She always did like drinking coffee even in the middle of the day. He was about to follow her inside when he saw her sitting on an already occupied table. The other occupant was Brian Quaimbao.

He gritted his teeth and walked past the café, throwing a pebble at the glass window near their table, shattering it to pieces. He could see the café personnel running out to check what the matter was. He walked away in a huff, not caring whether they saw him, stopped him, or put him to jail for destroying the café’s property.

He had not calmed down at all when he got home. Faye drove in and it was the usual drill with her. She ignored him while she dressed up and put on her make up, obviously readying herself for a date. Probably with Brian fucking Quaimbao.

“Where are you going?” He asked while she was sitting down on the driver’s seat.

“I’m going out...” she whispered with determination apparent in her face, and took off.

She came back around an hour later. He remained inside his study, not wanting to confront her yet. He could hear her moving around the house. Then the doorbell rang. No one answered it. It rang again, accompanied by loud knocks. He went to see who it was but Faye beat him to the door. She was just opening the door to Brian in when he came downstairs. Neither of them saw him standing at the stair landing.

“Why didn’t you come?” Brian asked her, holding her shoulder.

He strained his ear, barely catching what Faye said, “I just couldn’t. I couldn’t do it, Brian. I’m sorry.”

She moved away and Brian followed her, holding her arm. “Then when? When will you be ready?” When Faye didn’t answer, he heard Brian implore, “You have to come with me one of these days. You can’t stay here. Not like this. You can’t continue living like this.”

“I know...” Faye said, quietly agreeing. He walked in on the two of them just as she was looking up from keeping her gaze to the floor. Her eyes widened. “Russell...”

The room became deathly quiet, like a muted cinematic tableau.

“Russell...”

He turned to go, unwilling to see Faye’s betraying face anymore.

He heard Faye whisper, her voice breaking. “Russell...”

“...Has been gone for more than a year now.” Brian’s voice stopped him. “He’s gone, Faye. He’s gone.”

“No...”

“Faye, I’m sorry I have to say this,” said Brian, shaking her. “Russell’s dead. You have to get over that fact.”

He whirled around and looked at them both in shock. Brian’s back was to him as he enveloped Faye in a hug. His wife was still looking towards his direction. Her eyes blurry with tears she still hasn’t let flow.

That can’t be right, he thought. She was looking at him. It was impossible. No way. I can’t be...

Faye closed her eyes and her tears traced down her face. “I know he’s dead,” she whispered brokenly.

He felt a shot of cold run through him at her words.

“I just can’t go to his grave, Brian. I can’t stand seeing that stone with his name on it. I can’t. I just can’t. Even if it’s his birthday today, I can never go visit. I-...”

He felt cold. He’s never felt this kind of cold before. So cold. Like he couldn’t feel. Like he was indeed... NO!! I’m not dead!

He staggered away from the two. Away from their words. Away from reality.

And as he took his first step, he remembered. A white light, flashing. Disembodied voices coming from above him. A beeping machine sound suddenly becoming a single monotonous tone that drowned out everything except...

Faye. Faye was crying. She was crying. Sobbing. He could see blood flowing between her legs and knew that their baby was lost. Lost... but she wasn’t minding that. She was hugging someone to her. Holding that someone’s head to her chest while she cried inconsolably.

He looked closer and saw his own face on the lifeless body Faye was holding. His eyes were closed, never to be opened again. He would never wake up to feel the tears falling from Faye’s eyes dripping on his face. Never would he be able to wipe those tears away. Because...

I’m dead...?

The light came for him then. It had been waiting for him for a long time. Calling.

That first time he saw the light, he turned his back. Not ready to go yet. He knew that he had to watch over her. He had to stay beside her. He had to. She had a miscarriage, he knew. She would need him now more than ever.

That was why he stayed. Why he lingered. Why he forgot about his current state. He had to turn his back to the truth, because if he accepted it, if he went to the light, Faye would be left behind. Alone.

“I’m here for you,” he heard Brian say.

He turned back to them, looking pained. “I’m here for you,” he told Faye, repeating Brian’s words. “I won’t leave you.”

Faye pushed Brian away. “Go home, Brian.” He watched as she wiped the tears off her face, as she haughtily and icily said, “I don’t need you here right now.”

Brian nodded. He did not look defeated, just sad. Russell knew that the man would not cease to try to bring Faye out of her grief. He loved her too much to do that, and Russell was somewhat glad of that fact. “I’ll come by tomorrow.”

She gave him a curt nod and showed him the door. Then, she was alone in the house. Alone, and with him.

Russell stepped forward until he was standing right in front of her. He raised his hand to caress her face and Faye closed her eyes, letting the tears flow unhindered. A tremulous smile playing on her lips, she released her breath in a long sigh.

A melody of a song wafted into the silence of their home; the melancholy sound of a piano that came from everywhere and nowhere. It called to him, that song. Like a warm breeze, so welcoming, so pleasant. Russell turned around and saw the light shining behind him. The warmth was coming from the light but he was so very afraid to go. He didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to leave her. Never.

Unconsciously, he took a step toward the light. Despite of his fear. In spite of his resistance.

“Don’t go...” Faye pleaded in a whisper, her voice breaking. “I know you’re there. I know... So please... Please... don’t go. Russ...”

He turned back to her in a hurry, “I won’t go! Faye, I’ll always be here for you. Okay?” He frowned when she only let her head fall forward, hiding her eyes from him. “Faye?”

She was getting farther; a meter now separated them although he knew neither of them moved.

Farther... and farther... he could see her getting smaller. “FAYE!!!” He called her to no avail. He realized then that she hasn’t moved, but he had. He had stepped closer to the light. He was feeling warmer now, while the room where Faye was remained oh-so cold.

His last sight was of her tear-filled face before the light enveloped him.

OoO

“Russell?”

“Russ!”

“Hijo?”

“Son? Please open your eyes?”

“Is he really awake, Tita?”

He struggled to open heavy lids and saw white light. The disjointed voices sounded very near. When he managed to focus his eyes, he saw them hovering over him; several people with different expressions on their faces ranging from relief to joy to tears. It was the woman’s tears that made him remember.

He opened his mouth to speak but only a dismembered croak came out. “F- Faa-a..?” He weakly turned his head to look for one face, but did not find what he was looking for.

“Hijo, how are you feeling?” asked the woman who was crying. She took his bandaged hand in two of hers and kissed it repeatedly. “I’m so relieved! I’m so glad you’re awake. God, we all thought you were never going to wake up—” she said in a rush before succumbing to sobs.

They gave him a sip of water, refreshing water, and he managed to ask, “What happened?”

He saw them exchange worried glances. “There’s been an accident, son.” Said an elderly looking man; his father. “A drunken truck driver swerved and hit the car you were driving.”

He thought as much. He remembered. Somehow. He had thought that he was dead. “So... it was a dream?” he mumbled to himself. “I’m not dead then?”

“Of course you’re not, hijo!”

Instead of feeling relieved, a feeling of dread entered his heart. Where was she? If he had been in an accident, then where was she? She should have been here. She should have been amongst these people, tears of relief belying the bright smile she should have directed at him at knowing he was awake finally, that he was fine, that he wasn’t dead. “Where’s... Faye?”

Their silence was frightening. No one would meet his eyes. Not one.

“Where’s my wife?!” he asked, trembling.

The silence stretched on.

“Dammit! Where’s Faye? Answer me, darn you!” He sat up, “Anyone of you! Tell me where she is!” His voice broke, “Please... mom?” He resorted to begging when no one would say a word to him. “Dad? Please? Somebody…Tell me... please…?”

Silently, with inexpressible sorrow on his face, David stepped forward and sat next to him on the bed. Russell stiffened as his best friend, one of his oldest and most loyal buddy hugged him close and whispered, “I’m sorry Russ, the truck hit her side of the car. She didn’t make it. I’m really sorry, Russ.”

But he was beyond hearing. Russell retreated from them.

How unfair, he thought. How unfair this all was. He had been perfectly happy, perfectly content to stay in that world, in that dream where he was the one who had died. Why did he have to wake up to this reality where she was gone?

The sound of the piano played in his mind again. The same song that called him awake. He closed his eyes, willing for this to be a dream as well. Willing for the light to come and engulf him. Maybe it would lead him to a place where both of them existed. He and Faye. Somewhere else. Definitely not here. Not here...

Russell suddenly saw her face in his mind smiling at him, welcoming him. He smiled back at her... and drifted away.

OoOoO

End

OoOoO

AN:

Russell just wouldn’t let me rest with this fic. Finished this first, weeks before my April fic. Had the idea for it the moment Ana-nechan mentioned a dark angst fic for Russell. Gah… To think this is for August… sigh Russ wanted drama so I had to deliver what he wanted as I’m that boy’s willing slave when he wants to talk, and boy was he particularly fussy (and coughcheesycoughmushycough) about this fic

I don’t like it though. Too darned depressing. Dang it! I don’t like writing fics like these! Napaka-hopeless ng ending! I want happy endings! I want people living happily ever after. Did you try reading this while listening to both songs (mentioned above) repeatedly? Gods... I did that while editing. Big mistake! I need something to cheer me up, FAST!

In any case, here are the lyrics for the two songs. Considered making this fic a song fic, pero it just didn’t seem right, so inspiration na lang 2 na kanta.

HELLO

playground school bell rings again

rain clouds come to play again

has no one told you she's not breathing?

hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to

hello

if i smile and don't believe

soon i know i'll wake from this dream

don't try to fix me i'm not broken

hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide

don't cry

suddenly i know i'm not sleeping

hello i'm still here

all that's left of yesterday

BROKEN

I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You’d gone away

You don’t feel me in here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again

I wanna hold you high you steal my pain away

There’s so much left to learn and no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Coz I’m broken when I’m open

And I don’t feel like I am strong enough

Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

Coz I’m broken when I’m open

And I don’t feel like I am strong enough

Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

Because I’m broken when I’m lonesome

And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You’d gone away

You don’t feel me in here anymore