Gurth - 18/10/02

I loved you.

I loved you more than life itself.

You told me you loved me.

You told me you loved me and you wanted to marry me and you wanted to make love to me and you wanted to father my children and you wanted to be with me forever.

You swore to be true to me.

But you lied to me.

People fear me. They see me as cold, calculating, devoid of emotion. I have never trusted anyone outside my family.

I have never loved before. But you came along and you lifted me above the clouds. You made me forget about all the problems I had. You made me believe that the sun and the moon and the stars and the heavens existed just for me.

But the alarm bells were ringing. I had always listened to my instincts, them being my only guide, but I pushed them aside. I loved you too much.

You hurt me. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life.

The only way for this pain to ever go away is for you to burst in the door, get on your knees, tell me you love me, more than anything, and beg me to marry you. I would push it all aside and happily accept.

But that's not going to happen, is it?

I don't know if you realise this. I know it's probably no skin off your nose. But the hate and anger I feel... death would almost be an escape. I feel hate and anger towards you, I cannot deny it. But I feel hate and anger towards myself for allowing this to happen. For being so stupid as to ignore all my warnings and go ahead and fall in love with you.

But you were so good to me. And I stayed by your side no matter what you put me through. I thought loyalty would account for something. I poured my heart and soul into you.

But look what I got.

Nothing but memories of good times past and the pieces of my shattered heart to pick up and somehow put back together. I don't know how long that will take me. I'm trying to remember the happiness and forget the sadness, but you don't know how that is. You have no fucking idea, do you?

The pain is so fresh, searing across my very being like a red hot poker dragged over sensitive flesh. I can feel the poker twisting into my heart, slowly killing me piece by piece. A piece of my heart is forever missing, never to be found again, dead.

It will take me an eternity to forget. You may not have been with me for long, but you left an impression on me that will take forever to fade. I know you will move on and forget. It's not so easy for me.

You were the first man I ever loved. You made me feel invincible. Now I am nothing.

I am battered, broken, a shadow of my former self.

And, to me, even that is a fate worse than death.