Fortress

So many smiling faces surround me, laughing at a funny joke.

Grinning to myself, I don’t let the smile reach my face.

My face stays the inscrutable mask that it always is.

No frown or smile adorns the apricot skin, just a neutral look.

An artist knows shades of black, brown, and white are neutral colors.

Is it just coincidence my last name is Brown?

Should I live up to my name and never show emotion, never let down my guard?

Or maybe wear my heart upon my sleeve and allow the world to examine me, passing judgments as it pleases?

My emotions are mine alone.

My mind is a fortress, a strong impenetrable keep.

Just as a fortress must be examined for weaknesses, so must my mind.

Any crack, any gap must be fixed.

Emotion is weakness.

Perhaps I should have been born a Vulcan.

To them, emotions are the antithesis of reason, and logic is adored above all.

Maybe there, I’d belong.

If not a Vulcan, then surely a Yamani I was meant to be.

On their islands, emotion is frowned upon.

Is my life a mistake?

If I don’t cry, I’m unsympathetic.

If I don’t laugh, I’m disconnected.

If I don’t smile, I’m depressed.

Society, just leave me be!

Is it a wonder why I spend my hours locked away from its piercing gaze?

People stare, and people glare, all wondering why I don’t smile, but their questioning gazes don’t bother me.

If I cared a whit about what people thought, I wouldn’t live the life I live now.

Constantly aware of every prying eye, I’d soon lose my sanity.

“Laugh!” they say. “Lighten up!”

See the twinkle in my eyes?

See the slight shaking of my body?

I am.

I’m not a social butterfly.

In a room full of people, I’d be the one cowering in a corner.

Despite my timidity, despite stolid exterior,

I’m the one people come to for help.

I’m the one they ask for help with problems.

I’m the listening ear.

Locked up in my formidable tower,

No one has the power

To tear me from my books.

In a world full of emotion,

People have this strange notion

I have to express myself through feelings.

A concealed chuckle, or a stifled smile,

That’s all you’ll get in response to your wile.

What more do you want?