Whisper Stilled

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You’re staring again, and I lose myself in your eyes; black-rimmed to hide emotion, but your expression betrays you. A single glance could tell me you’re thinking about the horrors lain on you, pulling you down. Swathed in black and chains, defiant against the crowd, you try to pretend you don’t care about life, about what’s happened to you. But I see through you; oh, what I see. You’re just as broken as any of us; just as beaten and bloody; just as depressed and needy.

Shadows loom in front of you, and you snap out of this state of nothingness. Across the classroom, a teacher is at your desk, menacing to any other but not to you. A blank stare and unspeaking lips, and she’s gone, sighing, sending you off. Another day for me to pretend I’m paying attention to the nonsense of this world, the monotone voices and fake smiles. Another day to stare into the ravenous hole engulfing my heart, stealing away all feeling, all thought, all reason.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, all week and the next, you are gone. Evaporated from this world. No whispers lingering in the air, no darting glances to assure that nobody’s listening; there is no word of you. Doth mine eyes deceive me? No, no, you are gone. My only hint lies in your father, severe face and prudent nose, briskly strolling up the hallway. Short chat with the secretary; dazed look entwined with acceptance, and there’s his condolence. Straight from the lips of flesh and blood, there it is. “Damn handgun, knew I should’ve locked it up. Such a mess, and all over the new carpet. Cost us a fortune, it did.”

My heart is chilled by the ice streaming through it. Where did the floor go? Oops, found the wall. Oxygen seems to be so far away, resisting my lungs. Spotlights on my eyes, waltzing around the darkness, but they trip, fall, and they’re gone. Silence rushes at my ears, but inside my head you’re screaming, crying, and you’re still alive, yes, still here for me.

My love, why hast thou forsaken me?

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Heather M. 24th January, 2005