chemicals rushing, pulsing, pounding through my veins
lights flare and flash behind my tightly shut lids
mockingly i laugh, as if i could hold back this tide of poisons

somehow i thought this time would be different
somehow i thought times would change from drug to drug
but no, never -- the effect is always the same

every sharp edge beckons so beautifully
each rounded line of vase screaming to be broken
shattered into shards stained red on the floor

this mocking laugh turns to a bitter gurgle in my throat
as if these tangy, tasteless inebriations would solve what ails me
as if they could make me forget this pain

dreaming they would dull my sense and clear my lungs
i drank and swallowed, over and over again
and still i fall and weave dizzily about

i've not lost my hibitions, if that should be called a word
i've too much pride to lose sense or control again

but every careful rip of two sharpened blades in carefully woven fiber..
slides uncontrollably in and out of preconceived lines

i watch with a mild humour as my fingers twitch and spasm
mindlessly and excitably, they dance out rhythms on pages
words drift into pictures and mad sketches of gaping maws
adorable faces turning rotten and skeletal beneath my angry hands

blood dyes the pages unnatural colours of black and blue
my hollow laughter echoes in my mind as i can only stare

acknowledge my lack of skill, my lack of originality

i laugh, i weep, i rage, and yet, i no longer feel

somewhere in the back of my mind, i wonder why i still ramble
somehow i still feel a strange longing to "feel", to empathize, to... be

but that's all crap and a new layer in the garbage heap

why can't i stop? why do these words still mindlessly flow?
i wish i could stop, that my rationale could control my mindless hands

these burn marks have faded, yet new ones take their place
all these long, unexplainable cuts fade to untouched flesh

i sleep uneasy, lending from other's peace
yet, sometimes i feel smoke welling up in my throat
it fills and forces my lungs, pushing out faint wisps
choking and slowly burning my throat and mouth as it goes

i don't smoke, don't like the cigarettes, nor take the drags
yet i feel it, and i see it, and the smell of it permeates the air and my clothes

am i dreaming? or is this another madness altogether?
am i really living this life, or am i existing in a body, living a life i cannot touch?

i wish i could stop dreaming. i wish that i could stop the madness.
i need to step beyond this body, beyond this time and place
i need to stop seeing visions in other people's head
to stop taking their sufferings and sicknesses on myself

i'm dying, i know it. i feel it with my every shuddering breath.
some nights, i cease to breath, and as i struggle, i wonder...

i wonder if i'll cease, or if i'll simply fade away

some dreams are filled with fading colours, the soundlessness pressing in
other times the darkness blends with that soundlessness
and i fear i will lose both sight and sound

how long will i last before i pull the trigger
before i give in to the urge?

i'm more fucked up than i'd like to believe
i just want to be as the gargoyle, curling up into me
turning to stone with the sun and simply fading away into nothingness

giddily i spin and dance about these lonely hallways
exhibiting a foreign ballet, the likes of which none have seen before

i see no people, hear no voices, feel no pain
once again i wonder, am i real?

my feet leave the floor and i feel like i'm floating
the air swirls beneath me, lifting my hair like it's not there
my heart races in my chest, pounding as if it would burst out of my ribcage

i can only smirk to myself as i clutch it close
as if simply holding it could maintain its integrity

"goddamned traitorous heart", i whisper.. "again you forsake me"
then i fall to obliviousness once again where i strangely dream of you

am i real? are you real? am i dead, dreaming i'm real?