The drums begin a steady rhythm behind me. I hear the keyboard begin and can see the fingers flying across the keys at a lightning pace. Then the unearthly voice fills my ears and I realize that they’re all waiting. Waiting for me. My fingers linger on the strings, hesitating for another fleeting second and I strike the first chord. Then, it all comes together and I lose myself in the sound. I feel like I know who I am when we’re here, playing, with a screaming crowd. It just calls to me.
Backstage, my band-mates congratulate each other on a job well done. London Daniels, the lead vocalist, with her short, vibrant orange hair, electric blue eyes and perfect smile, had once again, managed to wow the crowd. I slink outside to stand on the sidewalk and listen to conversations as people leave the club.
“Ace is so hot! I just melt when he plays; it’s almost as if he’s trying to challenge the rain.” There’s one for Sebastian, or “Ace” Moore, our drummer and the bands only male. That one wasn’t a surprise, he had girls lined up to see him play, his blonde hair just long enough to fall into his eyes when he played, his light blue eyes sparkling and his incredibly white smile.
“Karah is just amazing. She's so cute and incredibly sweet.” I hear a male voice laugh as a chorus of others joins. Karah Ray, keyboard player. It was a wonder she was even friends with people like us. Her short brown hair, shining hazel eyes, sweet demeanor, and enormous bank account were enough to get her crowned for every court imaginable every year.
This was always my favorite game, to sit out here and listen to the conversations, keeping a tally of who the crowd loved most. Sometimes someone would notice me, but that was a rare occurrence, people being too wrapped up in their own lives to even look at who they’re walking on, or even acknowledge that they just stepped in a puddle and got someone wet.
“Wow! Rian didn’t miss a single note. That was incredible! You guys told me she was horrible, but she was genius compared to that other girl. What was her name? Karan? No, that’s not it…”
And finally, one for Rian Collins, bass player. Rian was usually a favorite, shoulder length red hair, and intense blue eyes always drawing boys into the club.
Oh, and down two for me, one since I sucked and one since they didn’t even know who I was. It’s not as if my name is that hard to remember, just that I myself am not. My long blonde hair, dull gray eyes, and serious, quiet nature was never really very accepted, people often thinking of me as cold and distant. But, I guess it’s better than being “the girl whose parents were murdered” or “the transfer girl who tried to light her old school on fire.”
Suddenly I see someone moving to sit beside me, and it takes me a minute to realize who it is.
“Hi Ace.” I whisper. I’m not sure why, but Ace and I always seem to whisper when we talk.
“Hey. Are you ok, Tace?” He asks, leaning back on his hands and staring up into the sky.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I ask, pretending to be ignorant that anything had gone wrong. The charade that was already transparent was diminished as I heard a familiar male voice behind me.
“Nice freeze up, T.C. You were real cool.”
Shane Mercury, football extraordinaire. Also the love of Karah’s life. That part was easy enough to understand. He was gorgeous, chestnut hair, green eyes, tall, muscular, dumb as a stump. Easy to see why he was so popular. He could catch a football and flash a smile that would make any girl go weak in the knees. Well, any girl but me. He tried that one within the first week I had started school, and was quickly turned away.
“Come on, Shane, leave her alone. Let’s let the snow queen and her trusty drag queen sidekick wallow in their self pity alone.”
Ah, yes, and where the stump would be without his faithful pet rock, Shadow Crawford. Brown hair, brown eyes, tall, who wouldn’t want him? But getting to him meant having to get through his twin sister, Amaya. If Karah was cute, Amaya was drop dead gorgeous. She looked like her brother, but her high cheekbones and almost egotistical self-confidence drove her over the edge of prettiness and into the sea of gorgeous.
Ace started to get up, as if to try to fight them, but I held him back.
“It’s not worth it Ace, they’d just get confused and forget their own names.” I whispered, but it was so quiet outside my voice sounded almost like a shout.
“Just because you can’t remember your own name doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten ours, Kieran.”
The one person who could make me laugh and cry at the same time. Saber Cruise, my older brother. Ok, well twin brother, but he always made sure I remembered the older part. He had gotten all the good genes, according to him. He was good-looking, shaggy black hair, eyes an incredible shade of gray, 4.0 student, athletic, and the list goes on.
“It sure is nice to know that you don’t have enough followers asking to kiss your shoes that you have to attract more by betraying your own sister.” Ace bit out, before I could stop him. This was not going to end well.
“Shut up, Bastian. It’s not like you haven’t forgotten your name, too.”
Moreover, the loudest of all. Slade Moore, Ace’s older twin brother. They were nearly identical, except Ace had talent in music and drama, while Slade was magnificent at sports, winning state in track the previous year.
“Don’t you people have anything better to do, like going to get drunk? I mean, just because none of you can carry a tune doesn’t mean you need to terrorize the ones who can.” I practically yelled, getting right up in Saber’s face.
“Actually, I thought you were all really great.”
Soren Daniels. London’s twin brother, quiet, shy, intelligent. Also the only person to make me look twice. He didn’t exactly have girls drooling over him and asking him out all the time. But to me, he was a walking heaven on Earth. He had spiked dark brown hair and blue eyes that rivaled the seas. He wasn’t very athletic, either. Sure, he tried, if for no other reason than to fit in, but he wasn’t all that good naturally. He worked for every point he got.
“Shut up Soren! Get out of my way, freeze up. Find your own ride home.” Saber yelled, pushing me out of his way as he led the way down the street to his car.
I stood there, speechless and shaking with anger. I almost tried to punch Ace when he laid his hand on my shoulder, gently steering me back into the club.
By the time we were back inside, I wasn’t quite as angry, but my eyes were still a cold, steely gray glare. London nearly jumped when she turned and saw the look on my face.
“Who was it this time?” She sighed, always fed up with my anger, especially when it seemed to radiate off my body in waves.
“Who do you think?” Ace asked, a little colder than he had intended.
London just rolls her eyes. It always seems she can deal with everyone’s problems and anger, except mine. I guess it’s understandable; most people aren’t able to deal with raw emotions as intense as mine are. The world goes on, I guess.
“Was it something to do with the fact that you hesitated again?” Rian bit out. She had never been too receptive to me joining the band, but had finally relented and we got along okay, but she was always on my case for hesitating or making even the tiniest mistake.
I had to get out. I couldn’t deal with this much hostility directed towards me by people who were supposedly my friends. They just didn’t understand the way my emotions worked. I turned and walked out into the brisk night air, too upset to say anything further.
I started to walk down the street towards the bus stop. Since Saber had taken the car again, and, since Rian was usually the method of transportation for the band, and once again, we had gotten into an argument, I had no other way to get home. Besides, what was so bad about walking the four blocks to the bus stop? I mean, besides the fact that I had to walk through the worst part of the city, the part filled with drug dealers, gangs, and prostitutes, in the dark, by myself, in a tank top and ripped jeans with no jacket. I mean, this was not at all dangerous.
I had already covered almost two blocks when a black car pulled up beside me. It had begun following me after about the first block, but I thought nothing of it, thinking it was just another car. The passenger window rolled down and I thought I heard someone ask if I wanted a ride. I looked at the driver. Classic pervert. He continued to harass me until a second car parked on the side of the road and the driver came up behind me and grabbed my hand, pulling me back towards his car. I was about to fight him when he whispered in my ear.
“Trust me. Are you okay?” It was Soren. I would have thought he would have already been at home with Saber.
I gave in and followed, hesitating when he told me to get in the car. Finally, he had raised his voice enough that people passing by were starting to stare.
We sat in silence until he finally said something.
“What were you thinking?” He sighed under his breath, giving the impression that he was talking to himself, so I didn’t answer. “Well?” This time he had turned to look at me, making it clear that he was talking to me.
“I was thinking I’m seventeen and can handle walking four blocks to the bus stop by myself.” I answered, slightly bitter.
“How was everyone else getting home? Wouldn’t they give you a ride?” He questioned, turning his eyes back to the road.
“Rian drives them, but we aren’t exactly getting along and Saber took the car. Why am I telling you this, anyways?” I whispered.
“Because you trust me.” He smirked.
I wanted to hit him. He was so infuriating. I refused to say anything until we arrived at my house.
Actually, it was my older brother Stone and his wife Zoey’s house. After my parents were killed, Saber, our younger brother Skye, and I had been sent to live with our grandparents. When I was expelled from the private catholic school my grandparents were paying a small fortune for the three of us to attend, they sent us to live with our older brother, deciding they were too old to deal with teenagers again, especially ones whose lives were as distorted as the three of ours were.
I was surprised when instead of just letting me out of the car and driving away, he parked in the driveway and grabbed a bag, walking with me to the door.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked him, looking at him apprehensively.
“I’m staying the night with Saber and the guys, is that ok? I wasn’t aware that I needed to ask your permission.” He snapped, since Saber had just opened the door.
“Gees, Tacy, I wasn’t aware that you owned him.” Saber smirked.
I pushed inside and started down the staircase into the basement to take a shower. Unfortunately, nobody had warned me that the other three boys were already downstairs. I didn’t notice when I went into the bathroom, but I definitely knew when I started to walk to my room across the basement, my wet hair dripping everywhere.
“Oh my god it’s a miracle, she really does shower. That one month limit must have been up today, huh T.C.?” Shane sneered from the couch.
“I wasn’t aware that I gave you permission to call me T.C., Mercury. And one might wonder why you are so interested in when I take a shower, seeing as how you have a girlfriend and it appears several boyfriends as well.” It was my turn to smirk as I walked into my room, listening to the stunned silence that seemed to echo around the boys.
I went over the band’s play list on my guitar at least 20 times. I kept going, over and over, until hunger pangs wracked through my body and I remembered that I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. I walked back up the stairs and into the kitchen, only to see the angry faces of Zoey and Stone sitting at the table.
“How was therapy today, Kieran?” Stone asked, trying not to clench his teeth too hard.
I knew I had forgotten something. Ok, maybe not so much forgot as intentionally filled my day so full I didn’t even have time to think about my therapy appointment.
“It was great! We worked on some big stuff, and we’re getting closer to a breakthrough.” I lied.
“Really? Because that’s not what your therapist said when he called today. He said that you missed your appointment, yet again, and that you neglected to go to anger management last week.” Stone snapped. This was just the tip of the iceberg that was this tirade, and I knew it. “Maybe you don’t understand that these sessions are court ordered, or that you need them, or that it costs us money every time you skip a session. Maybe you need to make more time for your appointments, like by dropping out of the band.”
Zoey was shocked that he would even suggest taking that away from me, remembering how hostile I had been before I joined.
“Stone, maybe we should talk about this a little more before you begin suggesting things like that.” She soothed softly.
“No, Zoey. Kieran needs to understand the effect her problems have on this household.”
That was when I lost it. I had known things were getting hostile between everyone, and that it was mainly my fault, but I didn’t need it pointed out so blatantly, and I definitely didn’t need him using that name.
“Don’t call me that! Don’t ever call me that! It’s not my name anymore! And I’m sorry if I’m such a nuisance! Why don’t you just ship me off to some other relative, just like grandma and grandpa did! Or even better, take away the only reason I’m actually still here in this world and see what happens! Go ahead do it! I won’t make the same mistake as I did last time!” I shouted, fighting against the tears that threatened to overflow my eyes.
I had spent a month in a mental institution after having my stomach pumped trying to overdose on sleeping pills. All this because I was the one to find my parents bodies that day. If only I hadn’t skipped practice to walk home. If only I had stopped to get some food, and then maybe Saber would be the one with all the problems.
I turned on my heel and fled back down the stairs, not caring that I ran through the entire room of boys and they all saw me. But I didn’t go into my room. I ran to Saber’s room, rummaging through his dresser until I found exactly what I wanted. Dad’s pocketknife. I didn’t care how many of the people in the room watched me walk calmly with it in plain view back to my room.
I sat on my bed, arguing with myself. Do it! My mind screamed, but my body wouldn’t listen. I just couldn’t do it. Not yet at least. Not when I still had something to live for. I still had the band, and I still had my music. The floodgates relented, and the tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I shook my head and walked back into Saber’s room to put the knife away. When I turned around, Saber was walking into the room, closing the door softly behind him.
“Hey.” He said quietly, as if any loud noise would startle me like a wild cat and I would dive back for the knife.
“I don’t deserve your sympathy, Saber. And I don’t want your pity.” I whispered. Wiping the tears from my face, I got up to leave.
“It’s not your fault, you know. None of it is. I hate to see you like this, Kieran. I don’t want you to get hurt. Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?”
“That’s not my name anymore.” I whispered, tearing my gaze away from where his eyes held it captive.
“Why do you say that, Kieran? Dad always said that he gave you that name because-”
“That’s just it! Dad was the only one who ever called me Kieran, and now that he’s gone, everyone else seems to think that gives them the right to call me that! It’s not my name anymore!”
“Just quit blaming yourself for that day! It’s not your fault! Can’t you see what this is doing to you? To Skye? To everyone around you?” He yelled. I knew he couldn’t help it. He was just like everyone else, too scared too confront me about it and too tired of me lashing out every time someone got enough courage to.
I turned and walked back out of the room and out the door into the rain that was pouring from the skies. I knew someone would come out here to talk to me eventually, but I hoped it wasn’t soon. I had always loved walking around barefoot in the rain. Before “that day,” my dad and I used to walk around the park in the rain, barefoot. We didn’t care when people stared, we would just laugh. Mom was always amazed that neither of us had ever gotten a cold. This was the first time it had rained since dad died.
I walked around the yard in silence, just feeling the mud seep between my toes. Then I remembered. I remembered all the times my dad and I had fought, and I would walk out into the rain barefoot, and how he always did the same.
I remembered the first time we had walked in the rain together. I was six and Saber had been making fun of me again. I had gotten so mad that I punched him in the face and made him cry. When Stone, who had been babysitting us, started yelling at me, I ran out the door into the rain, forgetting that I didn’t have on any shoes or a jacket. I ran until I got to the park. I don’t know how long I was there, but I just walked, not wanting to go home. I remember looking through my soaking wet hair that made a curtain over my face to see my dad walking towards me, barefoot and without a jacket. I remember he looked worried, and hadn’t expected to find me. He told me that it was what he did when he was worried or scared or just wanted to think. And he taught me the song.

“Leave your socks and shoes behind.
We have no need for pain.
I’ll be here ‘til the end of time.
When you cry, let’s go walking in the rain.”

I sang as I walked. That was always my favorite part of the song, especially when my dad would get this big smile on his face and pretended he was Frank Sinatra when he sang it to me. Nobody else knew that song but me now. When I first learned to play the guitar, we had created a part for it, actually writing the song and completing it with notes.
“Did you write it?” A voice echoed into the darkness from behind me. Stone.
“Dad did. We used to sing it when we went walking together.” I sniffled.
“He was always so talented with music. You’re the only one of us that got that gene.” He laughed.
“I’m not that good. I can’t even do the one thing I’m even remotely good at right.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes it is! I messed up tonight at the concert. I can’t sing like everyone else in the band. I don’t know why I even try anymore. I’ll tell London that I’m quitting in the morning, on account of a sudden realization that I have no talent.”
“Kieran,” He started, but stopped at the look I shot him. “Sorry. Tacy, don’t say things like that. I wish I could sing half as well as you. I’m ashamed to say this, but I’m jealous every time you start singing around me, or every time I hear you practicing your guitar, or writing your music. You have an amazing gift; you’re just too pessimistic and judgmental of yourself to see it.”
“Thanks, Stone. I’m sorry I missed my appointment today it’s just that I don’t like talking to people about-”
“I know. I realized that it’s something I feel compelled to do. But you need to. Maybe we all need to. Skye’s school counselor called and told me that Skye has been talking to her on a weekly basis, and she never felt the need to say anything to us until today, when he told her how much he worries about you and he has nightmares that you kill yourself. And Saber… well, Saber has his own way of dealing with things. He always has. But you… you’re so different from any of us. You keep everything all bottled up until you’re behind closed doors and out of sight and then blame yourself. It’s not your fault that it happened and dad would never stand for letting you blame yourself.” He turned and walked back into the house. I could have sworn I heard him say something about increasing the amount of cold medicine we kept in the house. I smiled. Stone would never change.
I walked back into the house, remembering that I still hadn’t eaten anything when the smell of popcorn reached my nose. The boys were sitting around eating popcorn and watching movies. Right now, it was Final Days. I wasn’t sure why, but I never got sick of watching that movie. I sat down on the couch in between Shane and Shadow, stealing a handful of popcorn and shoving it into my mouth.
“Who invited you, freeze up?” Shane asked coldly as he pulled the bowl away from me.
“Shane, don’t.” Saber growled without taking his eyes away from the TV.
I smiled and watched the rest of the movie before deciding there was a 12-year-old upstairs that I needed to have a talk with.
“Knock. Knock.” I whispered as I opened the door to the dark blue room with stars and planets painted all around it. Skye was lying on his bed, a book of what I could only assume to be space stories in front of him. “Hey squirt. What’s going on?” I asked, trying to sound as upbeat as possible.
“Nothing.” He grunted without looking up from his book.
“Skye, can I talk to you?” I whispered, not wanting to pressure him into talking about my problems.
“I guess.” He sighed, folding the corner of his book and setting it aside.
“Stone told me that your counselor called today.”
“And?” He asked, bitterly. For such a little person, he had a temper to rival mine.
“And she said that you’re worried about me, and that you have nightmares about me.”
“Yeah. So? You don’t care. You never did. Did you even know that I was the one that found you lying on the ground after you took all those pills? Did you know that I was so worried that I had done something to make you upset that I was about to run away, and I was only going into the bathroom to get my toothbrush to finish packing to go to the bus station when I found you?” He yelled, his eyes full of tears.
“Skye.” I whispered and sat on his bed, wrapping him in my arms as we cried together. I sat there rocking him until he fell asleep.
When I left his room, I was so exhausted that I just wanted to go to bed. I walked downstairs, still wiping at the silent tears that were streaming steadily down my face. Apparently, the fates had turned their backs on me and wouldn’t let me just go collapse in bed.
“Oh look, the ice queen is melting!” Shadow snickered as I walked by. I was too tired to retaliate. That must have instantly shot up a red flag in everyone’s heads.
“Tacy, what happened?” Saber asked, drawing his eyes away from the screen where they were playing X-box to examine my tear stained face.
“It's nothing, just something someone made me realize.”
“He told you, didn’t he?”
“Who?”
“Skye. He told you about that night.”
“Yeah.” I whispered. He nodded his head, instantly understanding my current state of mind and the fact that I just needed to be alone for a while. I went into my room and passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
That night, for the first time since before I could remember, I slept without any dreams. It felt good to not be plagued with nightmares, and yet, at the same time, strange to not feel any pain.