Author’s Note: not good. Just rambling. Really needed it.

Don’t think about it.

Push it, push it

to the very last corner of your mind.

Don’t think about friends,

about the horrible place you’re living in

or the love you couldn’t find.

Don’t think about anything else.

You have it there, hidden,

you think it’s going to explode,

but in the end it always stops

in the very last moment.

You dry your tears before

they come down,

you keep expecting

somebody someday will turn around,

and then you won’t be alone,

but there’s something

you can’t run away from….

It’s the time,

time that made them all change,

that caused every light in the world to die.

And you feel

your time has come,

this time it’s up to you,

it’s gonna be okay…

to find once more that’s

just what happiness says.

In the outside

you can be like everyone else

Dance and smile

And be quite a pretty girl

But inside

there’s the desperation

loud music and laughter

can’t hide.

You tried to tell your friends

They’re proving you’re nothing worth

Did they listen to you?

Are they what you

thought they would?

Do they even know about you?

Yes, but not as they should….

A film, going out at night

Talking has been left behind.

And you don’t ask them to come

and dry the tears on your eyes.

Because you’re the strong one,

you’re not supposed to cry.

But it’s not them,

though you want, you won’t,

because it’s been years

and you still hadn’t tell…

They don’t still know…

And it’s consuming you…

So you hide it

Made up a why

To always have something

to cry for, to die for,

to talk about and bury you

under your empty words’ blanket.

It once was real, though.

But now... your dream

it’s nothing more

than what it is.

But no one knows.

They tell me about chances,

about waiting, about destiny,

but I’ve never believed in it.

And when I try to make my own

it’s just disappeared somehow.

But you know what it is

but you’re afraid to write,

it would become so damn real.

You know where

all this shit started

and now you know too

it’s too late to go back.

Be brave…

Writing won’t hurt.

Sometimes it can save.

This all started the day I went away.

The day I went for the first time

into that horrible, lonely place.

The day I was alone.

The day I couldn’t go back home.

How could you leave me there?

And laugh at me,

and never listen to me,

when I complained?

It’s easy to say it’s only me

That I exaggerate

And that I can go through.

It’s easy when you’re not alone.

It’s easy not to be me.

It’s easy when you can’t even see!

When you’re not the one inert

You don’t seem even to concern.

How could you ever do this to me?

Leave me here, apart from everything,

trapped forever in this world

made of shit,

where they cannot even think,

oh, why the hell did you do this…?

I get angry, I shout, I cry,

but no one hears me,

and if they do, they can do nothing.

But crying is tiring

and I just stop one day.

When nobody listens to me,

it’s probably because

there’s something else.

And I’m right and there is.

It rules the fucking world.

It rules your fucking world.

Or at least is what everyone says…

And it has a name.

It’s called Money.

And it’s the only thing

that should be

written in capitals.

I know it’s necessary,

I know we owe a lot of it…

But I don’t seem to mind.

And keep asking you, mom,

why you keep punishing me.

And then, because life is like this,

shit happens again.

Everyone now cares about her,

my little sister,

is she really ill?

Though they say

it’s nothing, suddenly I’m guilty.

Because I’m sure I provoked it.

Or just didn’t help.

But I’m not, because I have the right to…

Don’t I…?

He’s my father, I’ll visit him

if I like.

I know he’s a jerk

and an alcoholic

and that he does not love any of you

But is that my fault?

I’m tired of this all.

And, because there’s no money,

because my sister feels bad,

and because you don’t like me

to see my father,

and I feel guilty for all of this,

then I say

‘Just don’t worry and leave me here’.

I try to convince myself

that I’ll be okay.

But then hear what you say…

‘I’ll pay from March until June’

You know what?

I don’t want!

Save your fucking money

to pay it when you’re asked

I don’t want it now

I’m getting used somehow!

Now don’t change your mind!

Bloody shit, now I wanna cry!

And stop talking about everyone

Don’t tell me lies

Don’t say I don’t talk to you

When I try,

it’s not worth it.

(But I do anyway, so shut up,

don’t mess me up).

You know what I really want?

Go far, far away from home.

And to all those people that never mind

At least I hope you have a happy life.