Flashbacks

I had been sat staring at the blank television set for over two hours pondering the plummet into insanity, and everything else it entailed, that loomed ever closer infront of my tear stained face when your key turned almost soundlessly in the rusty lock. The noise startled me back into my senses and I waited anxiously as the loud creaking of the door, quickly followed by the thud of your feet as you pounded into the hallway, reverbrated throughout the empty footsteps were unsually light as you trundled joyously into the doorway of the room in which I was sat. Your beaming grin and shining eyes told me that you had not been drinking and my face reflected your heartwarming smile as I rose from the chair.

"How are you, Princess?" You ask, the smile steadily growing as the words escaped your soft lips.

You did not wait for my reply as you stepped forward, encircled your strong arms around my waist and placed a kiss on my forehead. Apprehension crept back into my thoughts as I furrowed deeper into my memory in search of the mistake you were luring out of me with your loving deception. My concern must have creased my forehead as you enquired as to where my thoughts lay.

"Nowhere Jay; only here, with you." was my reply, spoken softly and timidly.

You laughed heartily, a real laugh full of warmth and genuine humour. The rhythmn bore a grin that spread across my pale face and generated a small, childish giggle to escape my mouth. I had nearly forgotten how uplifting that sound had once been. My surprise and gratitude for your good mood soon banished doubt and fear from my thoughts as I wallowed in the proud gaze of your beautiful eyes. I leaned upward as our lips met; I thought my heart would burst with joy as your hands gripped my hips in protection and lust.

You pushed me gently away from you and stared intently into my eyes as the yellow haze of the light gave you an outline of ethereal power.

"Emma, you're...

...so special to me"

Your eyes shone in the blue light of the nightclub. Someone hurled powerlessly into your back as you continued your plea.

"It will only be this once Emma, I promise."

Your hand gripped my thigh under the table, a fearsome reminder of the strength that you held. A shiver of fear and disgust shot threw my body and I visibly emerald jewels bore into the deepest depths of my broken soul and retreated, forcing an answer to spill thoughtlessly from my crimson lips.

"OK, I'll do it" I replied, swallowing the bile and shame as I accepted your indecent proposal.

I searched desperately for a sign of gratitude or admiration, of love, in your eyes but discarded my hope as all I met was a hard, domineering stare. I shuddered and then, as soon as you were occupied with your friends, sped to thebathroom and purged my fear into the basin.

That night I shamefully had sex with one of your friends so that you were not forced to pay the money you no longer possessed for a few pills of ecstasy you took whilst kissing another girl. You promised that I would never have to do it again but, as everything finallyended up as, it was a lie.I did it reluctantly anddrove myself close to crazy with motificationover the following few days only to experience it time and time again as your finances were increasingly spenton drugsyou could not afford.

...beautiful" you whispered, love embracing my faith as you strolled into the kitchen.

The clattering of cupboard doors and glasses echoed through the house but became muffled on my hearing; the screeching of my concience drowning any alien sounds. I shook my head in a futile attempt to shake the destructive thoughts from my mind.

You appeared beaming at the doorway holding a can of beer in one hand and a glass of water in the other. You had the glass to me and I stared desoletely at the water shimmering in the plastic light. You sat heavily yet with remarkable grace onto the chair and held your arms out towards me. I smiled lightly and another giggle invaded the stale air of the room. It was different this time however, a tone of force hung thickly hidden amongst the decieving melody. Inside my heart was pounding with anticipation and strain as it fought the shrill objections from my mind. I sat hesitantly at your side as you threw an arm around my shoulders and turned the television on.

The can whistled menacingly as you started to swallow the posion as though it were fruit juice. My heart sank into the pits of despair as the familiar smell numbed my senses and sent my mind reeling into further turmoil; my heart no longer confident enough to overpower its warning wailings of fear. You leaned closer...

... and my body lurched systematically away; unsure of your drunken mummerings of revenge and mistrust. Tears of misery filled my eyes as I struggled to remember the reasons for my existance. You staggered forward again and I found myself imprisoned in the corner of the room with no visible escape from your vengeful cluthes. You threw your arms to heaven and placed them heavily on areaof thin wall either side of my head.

"Whoring Bitch!" You slurred venomously into my ear.

I wanted to protest, to scream and claim back my innocence but I knew that any attempts would be useless. I had long become accustomed to your insults and violence whilst in your intoxicated state. You moved your dirty hands from their resting place and began fumbling with the buttons on my shirt. I squirmed as your hands brushed against my sensitive skin and previously unshed tears fell from my icy blue eyes, invisible to your own glazed eyes.

It was certainly not the first time it had happened but the pain and humiliation still threatened with just as much momentum and strength. You raped me that night; you disregarded my desperate pleas of mercy and compassion with violent blows of your hands whilst the other wandered aimlessly over my milky white body.

...and kissed the very tip of my button nose. I coughed in a vain attempt to banish the odour of alcohol from my personal space.

The shrill ring of your cell phone penetrated the silence and my lungs released a deep breath of relief as you moved away from me; intent on the quest to answer the call.

As the familiar mumbles from the caller rumbled incoherently into your ear I tried to overcome the wave of distress and despondancy that had invaded my emotions and thoughts. I struggled to keep composed as you chattered happily into the mouth-piece. I felt the hot sting of tears pierced my eyes as I fought to regain control. Before too long you ended the phone call and turned to face me, guilt encompassed your features.

"Angel, I have to go out but I'll be back later and I'll make this up to you. I promise."

With that you heaved yourself up from the chair and wandered over to the doorway. As you reached the door you turned away and winked at me, still seated, Ireturned afake smile and pretended to be engrossed with the programme on the television. I watched you turn hesitantly and begin to walk away...

... from my broken shell. A minut whimper escaped my frame as I evaluated the damage to my sheltered world. Empty cans laid tauntingly silent around the room amongst the shattered remains of the glass I had been drinking from before your fist had ploughed mercilessly into the side of my head.

The room was soundless and empty, a perfect reflection of the way I felt inside my fragmented soul. The tears flowed freely now as my body began to sense the pain inflicted upon it. I crawled slowly onto the chair and curled into a ball. I rocked backwards and forwards in an almost trance-like state as tears wracked my body.

It had not been the first time you had punished me for my inconsiderate mistakes and nor would it be the last beating I recieved but each punch and each kick imposed the same feelings of worthlessness and guilt onto my already heavily ladened shoulders.

...into the bleak, misty air of winter. I stared emotionlessly around the room and surveyed my perfect surroundings. The clock ticked mechanically in the backgroundas the tears threatened previously began to fall relentlessly down my masked face to the wooden floor beneath.

Your kindess and love had not destroyed the memories and pain from the experiences that you had forced me to endure. I comprehended the fact that I would never feel comfortable whilst living in your house, whilst laying in your arms,but accepted that I had no choice. Your love made and ruined me; I was trapped.