The Toilet Paper Fairy

The Cheese, It Overwhelms Me

Vael strode through the forest, as the sunlight streamed between the trees and danced on his head, making his long white hair glow even brighter. His voice rang loudly through the air as he walked, though he didn’t know the words to the song he sang.

“There was this girl . . . something about something. She met this guy, when she was making cookies! And they fell in love . . . um, something tragic happened, and there was a battle, of epic proportions, but in the end it was okay, and the ink assaulted the paper! Yay!” Vael paused in mid-step, stopping his singing. “Hey! This song is about me! Or, is going to happen to me (This folks, is called foreshadowing. Cool, isn’t it?). Not that I would know, or anything.” Suddenly, the smell of freshly baked cookies drifted through the air, and met Vael’s nose. “Mmm . . .” he closed his eyes headed in the direction the scent was coming from, and soon came upon a cottage.

Willow was in that cottage, making the cookies in one of those old fashioned stove things. SUDDENLY the fire from the stove met with Willow’s dress, and since Willow is combustible, she instantly burst into flames. Screaming, she ran out of the cottage.

“OH MY GOSH!” Vael rushed forward and tackled Willow, putting out the blaze. “Wow, you are HOT (Cheesy pun points awarded to Vael)!” Vael stood up, brushing himself off and holding out a hand to Willow. “Name’s Vael, I have O negative blood, my birthday is December 18, I have ruby colored eyes, and I’m 28 years old.”

“Oh, that’s a very pretty name. How do you spell it?” Willow took Vael’s hand and stood up, but kept holding on to his hand.

“With letters!” Vael struck a gallant pose.

“That’s good, for a moment I was afraid it would be spelled with numbers. I’m not very good with numbers.” Willow twirled her red hair and winked one of her green eyes at him.

“Is there something in your eye? Do you need to go to the bathroom to get it out?”

“No, I’m sending you messages. You know, flirting.” Willow said, winking again. “By the way, my name is Willow, I spell it with letters too.”

“So tell me Willow, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? Honey, you must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day? Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”

“Yes, it did hurt. It was a two day fall. I made quite a hole in the ground. I could show it to you if you’d like (Willow is a fallen angel - really). Thank you for the compliment on my body, I am a bit cold now that those flames have died down. Running through your mind all day? We just met a few moments ago . . . unless you’ve been stalking me. Love at first sight? You don’t have to walk by again.”

“Hahahahahaha!” Maniacal laughter came from the roof of the cottage. “Your blossoming romance means nothing to me!”

Vael took a step forward, raising a fist. “Ezekiel! How did you find me?! . . . Wait a second! Why should my love life mean anything to you? gasp Are you trying to steal my girl?!”

“Well, I am your archenemy, it would be something I would do. Even though I am incapable of those kinds of feelings . . . I’LL DO IT ANYWAY!” He burst into another fit of laughter.

Willow stood and stared at Ezekiel, making his laughter slow and become more nervous, and he tugged at his collar. Suddenly, after a long while of nothing but silence on Willow’s part, SHE BURST OUT SCREAMING! (Insert screaming noise here)

“Ahahahahaha! I AM EVIL! Evil I tell you! EVIL! And now!” Ezekiel paused dramatically, “I will put an end to your cookie making factory! Say goodbye to your Keebler elves! Ahahahahaha - gasp, choke, wheeze - hahahahahahaha!” And with that, Ezekiel jumped off the roof as Willow’s cottage collapsed and burst into flames, in that order.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - deep breath - OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Willow screamed.

“You hideous monster!” Vael yelled, flapping his arms up and down as if he were trying to fly.

“I’m not hideous! I’m attractive! I’m dashing! I’ve won the Mr. Evil Beauty Pageant for the past five years in a row! Here, let me show you how.” Ezekiel turned and strutted, pausing and smiling, showing his sparkly white teeth. A dozen peasants swarmed around him with cameras (How they got them, we don’t know), snapping pictures and swooning. One peasant even waved a sign with Ezekiel’s picture that read, “He makes straight men go gay!”

“True, true. You are attractive, but so attractive that it’s hideous . . . You make me sick!”

“Oh, I do? I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to make you sick.” Ezekiel looked down at the ground, kicking at the dirt.

“But that does not matter, we must fight!” Vael raised both of his fists.

Ezekiel did five back flips, then did a triple axle and landed it with ease. Will ow (that was deliberate, we swear it was!) held up a card with the word ‘five’ on it.

Vael applauded silently as Ezekiel stared with disgust at the score Willow had given him. Then Vael pulled out a skateboard and ran to the half pipe nearby, and jumped into it, skating like a pro. He did 360's and 180's, and pulled off flips and ollies like it was nothing at all. He did a grind along the top of the half pipe and came out with a flip, landing and catching his skateboard in midair. Willow held up a card with a thumbs up on it.

“Is that even a score? I mean . . . it’s a thumbs up . . . What’s up with that?” Vael complained.

“I told you, I’m not good with numbers, that’s why I gave Ezekiel the word five, and for you I drew a picture . . . Don’t you like my picture? I drew it for YOU!” Willow sobbed.

“Yes, yes! Of course I like your picture!” Vael ran and gave Willow a hug.

“You may have won this time!” Ezekiel took a few steps back, “but you haven’t seen the last of me! I’ll be back!” Then, a silver dragon . . . no, a giant eagle . . . No! Wait! A kobold! Yes, a kobold (if you don’t know what that is, you obviously haven’t played Dungeons and Dragons), flew down and Ezekiel jumped on it’s back, and they flew off into the sunset.

“Wait! Ezekiel can’t fly a kobold, it’s like three feet tall . . . also, kobolds don’t fly.” Willow turned to Vael.

“I guess they do now,” Vael shrugged, “Hey! You’re living with me now!”

“I am?”

“Yes, you are! You can make me cookies and bear my children.” Vael took Willow’s arm, dragging her in the direction he had come from.

“You mean we’re getting married?”

Vael suddenly stopped, “Um . . . If you w-w-want, I guess . . .”

And as they walked off, the camera cut into a room, zooming in on a desk that held a piece of paper and a bottle of ink. And the ink assaulted the paper.

“No, wait! STOP! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!” Omar yelled, stumbling into the room. But it was too late, the camera was already fading out. “You stole that from me!” You could hear Omar sobbing over the unjust action that had been done as the camera went completely black, because, indeed, we had stolen his ink assaulting the paper idea, AND his character! BUT IT’S TOO LATE NOW, SUCKAHS! MWAHAHAHAHA!

The End

Surgeon’s General Warning: This story contains an extreme amount of cheese. Do not read if you are pregnant, nursing, or have had a history of heart failure. Reading this story may cause brain damage.