The Portfolio
One-Shot Matrix Parody (c) Moon Unit Omega
Based on a Nightmare of InSilverShadows

Kellie Dreelin sat in the cheap metal chair. She was in a small, white room in front of a cheap table. A lamp provided some dim light.

She was about to scream when a tall man in a suit walked into the room, carrying a briefcase. He had a FBI earpiece in his right ear, and wore definitely creepy sunglasses.

The man sat down across from her, and put his briefcase on the table. From that he removed a glittery binder which Kellie immediately recognized as her portfolio for Center of the Arts. The man opened it and slowly flipped through the pages. Finally he spoke.

“Miss Dreelin,” he droned, in a voice slower than frozen butter going uphill, “it seems you've been living two lives.”

Kellie wrinkled her nose. This dude seriously needed a breathmint.

“In one,” he continued, “you are known as Kellie A. Dreelin. You are a student of the International Baccalaureate program. You are the owner of an extremely fat cat who is known as Hobbes.”

“He can't help it!” Kellie argued. “I mean, he fell down the stairs!”

The man gave her an evil glare. “And, you are deathly afraid of hamsters.” He brought out of his pocket a small, caramel-colored rodent. “This one belongs to your sister, I believe.”

The hamster squeaked Kellie shrieked and buried her head between her hands.

The man smirked and put the hamster into his briefcase. “However, in the other life, you are known by the FictionPress Username InSilverShadows. In tis life, you post your novels on a website, and are guilty of the severe crime of Too Many Reviews Per Chapter.”

Kellie looked up from her semi-fetal position. “That isn't my fault! I love my reviewers! They love me! It's like being a stalker! It isn't a crime, it's love!”

“WHAT DOES IT MATTER?!?!?” the man screamed, then sat back and regained his composure. He cleared his throat. “Now, we're willing to , what is it, ‘wipe the slate clean' - give you a fresh start.”

Kellie looked up at the man with suspicious eyes. “In exchange for what, my mortal soul?” she asked sarcastically.

The man considered this. “Actually, that's a pretty good idea. But, no. We believe you have been in contact with another FictionPress user, who goes by the alias Moon Unit Omega.”

Kellie nodded vigorously. “Yeah! Liza's one of my best friends! But what does she have to do with anything.”

The man sighed, and tried to explain the situation to her slowly, as if she were a young child. “This ‘Liza' is guilty of reading stories and not reviewing, flaming, or even adding to her favorites list. These are serious crimes, and her offenses outweigh yours.”

Kellie thought about this. “How about...no! I mean, not reviewing is bad, but not enough to arrest someone for.”

He winced. “You used a preposition at the end of a sentence.”

The girl tried again. “Not bad enough a crime for which to arrest someone?” she asked tenatively.

The man nodded. “Better, Dreelin. Much. Now, seriously, all we ask is you aid in bringing a fellow outlaw to justice.”

Kellie appeared to think about this. “I want...”

“Yes?” The man leaned inward.

“I want...”

“YES?!?!?” he screamed.

Kellie smiled. “A bag of jelly babies!”

The man looked decidedly annoyed. “Jelly babies?” he repeated.

“Yes! They're like gummi bears, but you bite off their heads and there's jelly inside!” Kellie squealed, as if these were the best things in the history of mankind.

The man frowned. “You disappoint us, Miss Dreelin.” He opened his briefcase. Inside was a nest of Agent Hamsters.

“YES!” he cried evilly, dumping the hamster clones on the table. “Your sister's hamster was working for me all along!”

Each hamster simultaneously wrinkled its sunglassed eyes and jumped into Kellie's hair.

“NO!!!” the girl screamed, as she fell into a hamster-filled oblivion -

- and woke up in her room.

Immediately, Kellie checked her room for any sign of the agent hamsters. It was clean.

“Kellie!” her mom called from downstairs. “Today's your CotA interview! Come downstairs.”

Kellie smiled sheepishly. “Guess that The Matrix and Pixy Stix don't mix.” She walked downstairs.

Unbeknownst to her, a hamster sat in the cage her sister owned. In pushed a button, and instantly became clad in a suit, shades, and earpiece.

“Soon, Miss Dreelin,” it whispered. “Soooooon...”