The Secret to Protecting Yourself

Growing up watching mommy and daddy constantly fight,

Knowing deep down inside, something wasn’t right.

They would scream and yell so incredibly loud,

I would sit, so young, trying to block out the noise, the dark cloud.

“Make it go away! Make it all stop!” I’d scream in my head,

I wished I could crawl inside myself, I was so filled with dread.

Then when I was a mere fifteen, I had my first chance,

My first real relationship, my first romance.

See, who else but my mother presented it to me?

After all, we DID need money….desperately.

My mother was proud, although she knew it was wrong,

I was fifteen, he was twenty-eight….13 years difference is too long.

It was under the guise of “love”, sure he said he loved me,

He even wanted to marry.

But then came the violence, and all the abuse,

All the times I cried, all for no use.

“The more I hurt you, the more I love you.”

That was what I heard as excruciating pain ripped my insides through.

Then came the seemingly endless days and nights of pain,

Him making me do unspeakable acts while calling love’s name.

These are the things I have learned of love,

It only ends with hurt, lies, or a shove.

And perhaps why my relationships never work or are happy,

Because both him, others, and my mother have used them to control me.

Like the quote says, “Those closest to you are capable of hurting you the most.”

Why put yourself in that situation, why get yourself that close?

Why open yourself for that gut-wrenching pain all over again?

Why not stay protected and all closed in?

Heather L. Johnson

February 2004