Chapter 1

Authors’ notes (yes-it’s meant to be plural): Mary, Liz, Allison, and probably everyone in our group of friends had input on this story! This story is posted under my (Liz’s) account, but it belongs to all of us. It is total fluff and there is a lot of slash-especially on some of the guys at our school and Tom Welling. There’s also stuff borrowed from “The Princess Bride”-read the book-it’s better. We warned you. If you don’t like the sound of it, don’t read. Actually-you should read it because it’s fricken hilarious, but don’t flame. The real-life parts (yes-they happened) will be in regular type, and the story parts will be in italics. Enjoy!

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“What do you want to do?” Liz asked Mary. They were sitting in German class, but today was different. They had a substitute teacher, which in German means “study hall”.

“No clue.” Mary was staring at the desk in front of her.

“Here, I’ll start a story, and we can switch off writing it,” Liz said, ripping paper out from her binder and began to scribble words down.

“Ok.”

Once upon a time, a German class was very bored. They attempted to fill out a video study guide without the video. However, unbeknownst to the class, two very small, hairy, and identical gnomes had snuck into the classroom and attempted to blow up the TV so it didn’t work.

“Thanks Fred and George!” the one called Mary said. “Now our class is sped to the max!”

“Yeah,” said Liz, “but what are we supposed to do now? We still have twenty minutes until the pep assembly!”

“Let’s run around acting like sausages!” Mary exclaimed gleefully. “Or leprechauns.”

“Um…how ‘bout no,” Liz said. “You’re on drugs.”

“You’re on ‘crack’!” Mary said back.

“I think you’re both on drugs,” sighed Allison from behind them. “And do you have any idea how weird it is listening to you two? Jesus.” Meanwhile, Liz was making a crappy paper airplane. She attempted to throw it at Allison.

After thinking about it for a minute, Mary said thoughtfully, “But Allison, you’re in front of us.”

Allison responded, “No, my back was to you.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“It’s figurative!”

“No it’s not! Take that back! I challenge you to a duel!”

“Would you two shut up?! Mary, we don’t want another incident like yesterday,” Liz said as Mary laughed about whacking Brian in the back with a bass drum stick.

“Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya-you killed my father-prepare to die!” Fred exclaimed as he and George began dueling with writing utensils found on the math teacher’s desk. Mary was crossing out ‘no positive readings’ and replacing it with '10 positive readings’ in a letter to the parents about a gas leak near the school.

Allison interrupted the story with, “Hold on! Is ‘had snuck in’ proper English?”

“Who cares?” Liz laughed. “We’re in German class!”

Mary took the utensils away from Fred and George and beat both the gnomes over the head with them. “It’s a hard reflex,” she explained. After the three girls had caught their breaths and dried their tears of laughter…

“I don’t know what to put next,” Allison said, putting the pen down.

“I’ll finish it!” Liz said, snatching the paper away.

They all died and lived happily ever after. Not really, though.

Mary threw Liz’s crappy paper airplane across the room, and they counted down the minutes left in the 9th period class. Of course, they weren’t really looking forward to the end of class. After all, they were going to a pep assembly, and the entire objective of this assembly was to determine the winner of that stupid “Best Legs” competition.

After they were revived through the use of defibrillators (or whatever), the gnomes waddled over to the three insane people. George beckoned to Liz to bend down so he could tell her something.

“What, George?” Liz asked concernedly.

“Tom Welling…” George began.

“Yes? Tom Welling? What about Tom Welling?” Liz asked.

“He’s…he’s…”

“Yes?”

“Tom Welling is a woman!” George shouted.

Suddenly, Christian rushed into the room with an axe and a murderous look in her eye. And also some yogurt.

“You see, George,” Liz said as though talking to a three year old who had asked The Question. “Everyone that doesn’t have a serious denial issue knows that.”

“Take that back!” Christian shouted, brandishing a spoon of spongy lime yogurt.

Mary heard this and screamed, “My name is Inigo Mary Montoya. You…um…you…never mind. Prepare to die!”

They engaged in fierce combat as an Indoor Bass Drumstick fell out of the ceiling into Mary’s hand.

“Hold up!” Liz yelled, “This is so wrong!”

“What?” both Mary and Christian yelled, pausing from the duel.

“You have a wooden stick, you have a spoon covered in God-knows-what, and,” Liz paused for dramatic tension, “there are guys ripping their pants of right in front of us! That’s so wrong!”

“Oh.” The girls snapped out of the story fantasy to see one guy practically pull the shorts under his pants down, exposing his boxers. They were sitting in the stands in the Gym, trying to ignore the shallowness of many female, and male, peers.

As part of the routine, with each Best Legs nominee, a cheerleader would walk out. The students of PTHS were surprised to see Tom Welling walk out in a tight shirt and very, very, very short skirt. She was hanging onto the arm of a scantily dressed guy.

“Is that…?” Allison asked, beginning to feel left out of the plot.

“Yes, that’s Mike,” Liz said, shocked that a lowly freshman would be in the Best Legs competition.

“Well that, and that,” Allison responded, looking more vividly at the ‘Cheerleader’ escorting Mike.

“That would be Tomika Welling,” Mary said, stabbing Christian as she became distracted.

“Ow!” she yelled. “Where? Where is he? I must see him!”

“The only ‘him’ I see is Mike,” Mary said, taking another stab at Christian’s side. This time, Christian was prepared; she flung the spongy lime yogurt off the spoon and directly into Mary’s eye.

“My eye! You hit me in the eye!” Mary yelled, crashing into the wall.

“Not sorry!” Christian yelled, laughing as Mary flailed around the room.

“You bad!” Fred yelled, kicking Christian in the shins.

“You evil little gnome!” Christian yelled in frustration, clutching her leg. Fred’s eyes welled up with tears, and he attempted to run to Mary, except Mary couldn’t see him, so she nearly trampled him. He ran to Liz and hugged her ankle.

“Christian!” Liz yelled, attempting to comfort Fred.

“What?!”

“Fred’s not an evil gnome,” Liz said sarcastically.

“Yes he---,” Christian started, but Liz cut her off with a wink. “Yes, he’s very sweet and I’m incredibly sorry that I called him that.”

“Hello! I am Inigo Montoya! You killed my father-prepare to die!” George yelled, challenging Fred with the pencil he had commandeered from Mary moments before.

“We have the same father,” Fred informed him.

“Right. Let’s swordfight.”

“What?!” yelled Ann, who had just entered into a very awkward scene; Mary was running around with yogurt on her face, Christian was fawning over a cheerleader, Allison was standing, mouth agape, at the cheerleader and Mike, Fred and George were sword fighting with pencils, and Liz was trying to intervene.

“What the…?!” Ann yelled, still standing in shock of the scene. “Mary, what is all over your face?!”

“Christian has bad aim,” Mary said, crashing into another wall. Ann was about to laugh maniacally when Jon entered the room.

“Son of a Nutcracker,” said Liz (sorry-had to put that in after Miyako used it about the Tupperware bowl), her eyes darting to find the nearest exit.

“Ha ha,” Mary laughed, wiping her eyes on George’s beard.

“Shut up.”

“Hey Liz.”

“What?”

“He wants you.”

“That’s ok. I don’t want him.”

Jon spotted Liz from across the room and floated to her like a magnet.

“Liz,” he said, his eyes glinting. “I ---,” he began, but caught sight of Tomika and couldn’t finish his sentence. “Sorry, I don’t want you anymore-that cheerleader is more my type than you’ll ever be.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Liz said, smothering her laugh and disguising it as a choking cry.

“I hope you can move on,” he said, “I know I can.”

“Whatever,” Liz said. Suddenly, a beam of light came from the ceiling, showing a glowing chalice of white ivory. Actually, it was just a plastic goblet, as Liz found when she approached it. It had a smiling ghost face on it.

“It’s so cute!” she told Mary.

“Why is it smiling?”

“It’s happy,” Liz responded. “I’ll name him Jack.”

“Hey! That starts with a ‘J’ and ends with a ‘K’,” Mary laughed. Meanwhile, Jon and Christian were fighting over Tomika.

“She’s mine!” Jon yelled, as he slapped Christian across the face.

“He’s mine!” Christian responded with a slap of her own.

“Mine!” slap

“Mine!” slap

“Um, can I put pants on now?” Mike asked, obviously uncomfortable in shorts, and in the middle of what seemed like the Jerry Springer show.

“Please,” said Allison, yet again feeling left out of the plot (or lack there of)

“Thanks,” Mike mumbled as he went into the boys’ locker room.

Liz and Mary were sitting in the bleachers discussing how cute Jack was and cracking many “starts with a ‘J’ and ends with a ‘K’” jokes.

“I’m concerned for you, Liz,” Mary said. “You’re in love with a glass.”

“But he’s so cute!” Liz said, holding the glass to the side of her face.

“What are you doing?!”

“Jack.”

“Ok, Liz, you have issues.”

“I know. Jack knows all about it.”

“Jack this, Jack that,” Mary mimicked. “Don’t you talk about anything else?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Remember that time thirty seconds ago?”

“No.”

“Well, I talked about something else.”

“Oh yeah?” Mary asked defiantly. “What?” Liz didn’t have a chance to answer because Elena made her grand entrance.

“Where is it?!” she yelled, looking around the room.

“Where’s what?” Allison asked-she was the only one unoccupied at this point.

“The glass,” she replied. She spotted Liz holding the cup, and she immediately marched over and demanded it back.

“No! He’s mine!” Liz yelled as she slapped Elena across the face.

“He’s mine!” she replied with a smack.

“Mine!” slap

“Mine!” slap

“Ok, this dialogue is really repetitive,” Mary said, now out of story mode.

“You’re right,” Liz said, and she shredded up the story.

Not really. What really happened was Elena insulted Liz in various languages.

“You can have him,” Liz said, handing Jack back to Elena. “We’ve talked it over and decided that it’s best that we see other people. Or glasses.”

“De jili nada brain,” Elena replied, half in Spanish. “Wait… that doesn’t make sense. Ha ha! A wall!” Elena ran off and began laughing hysterically at the wall.

Allison looked around the room at her friends and their total insanity. Suddenly, she realized something. “Jack’s gone! Elena doesn’t have him, and neither does Liz!”

“What?” Elena asked, turning away from the wall.

“No!” Liz cried, tears filling her eyes.

“Hey! Fred and George are gone too!” Mary said, zapping herself into reality.

“Oh, I feel bad for calling him an evil little gnome,” Christian sighed regretfully.

“I guess we’ll have to go look for them,” Ann said. The girls all agreed; so Mary, Allison, Liz, Christian, Tomika, Elena, Ann, and Jon all went to fin Fred and George. But they forgot that they were leaving someone behind…