Chapter 5

Liz’s Notes (and Mary’s too, in spirit): Sorry it took so long to post-severe writers’ (yes, meant that way) block, and not much time to type what was written. Hope you like this chapter-we found it quite amusing…Oh, and thanks to Christian for helping write half of this at the pep assembly and at two in the morning before Florida. Also, we do not own Pringles © or the fact that school nurses give Ice packs for every ailment. Also, Australian accents are so flipping awesome!

Chris was in the bathroom. Now, I know you’re probably saying, “You sick stalker! You followed him to the bathroom?!” but I didn’t, and all he was doing was puking his guts out. And no, it wasn’t because he had just found out that der Affeman wanted to be Mr. PTHS (well, only partially). He didn’t actually know what it was from.

He began to regret ever moving to America and spending time with Mary, Christian, and Liz. He now officially realized how truly deep-seated their issues really were, and those gnomes had a tendency to creep him out.

After thinking about this for a while, Chris realized that he was throwing up because the nurse had given him an ice pack for his stomach-ache. What was he supposed to do with it? Eat it? Apparently, because he poked a hole in it and drank the toxic fluid, which incidentally, made him sick. Looking back, he realized that eating the ice pack had been a stupid thing to do, but it had seemed the only plausible course of action at the time…and he discovered that ice packs were like Pringles ©-once you pop, you just can’t stop. But anyway…

Suddenly, someone came up to him (even though he was still puking) and tapped him on the shoulder. He (Chris) said in sign language that he was busy puking his guts out, but he’d try to listen to the guy anyway. Fortunately, the guy understood sin language, so he unrolled a large papyrus scroll and began.

“Chris.” A dramatic pause filled the stall. “You,” another dramatic pause, “have been…”

“URK UGH TAH GRED!” Chris shouted angrily. (He meant to say “Just read it already,” but the vomit was kind of impeding his speech.)

“All right, all right, hold your horses,” said the messenger, glaring at him. “Don’t shoot the messenger.”

“Anyway, you have been selected for Mr. PTHS. Well, nominated, I mean.” He folded the scroll and waited expectantly.

Chris stopped puking long enough to ask, “Who nominated me? WTF, mate?” The last part was in an Australian accent.

“Are you stupid?” the messenger asked.

“Uh, kid, HELLO, high Canadian intelligence here,” Chris said, a little ticked off.

“But I thought you were Australian!”

“WTF, mate?!” Chris asked in exasperation.

Suddenly, Liz jumped out in a blast of fiery light. Why she was in the guys’ bathroom, we’ll never know, but she was, and that’s all that counts. “THIS PLOT IS GOING NOWHERE!!!” Liz screamed, grabbing Chris by the shoulders and shaking him vigorously.

“III’MM SSOOORRRRRRYY!” Chris shouted, for he had conveniently stopped puking again.

Then, Elena ran into the bathroom.

“Elena, Jesus!” everyone including the messenger exclaimed at the same time.

“It’s the boys’ bathroom! What are you doing in here?” Liz asked her, not remembering that she, too, was a girl in the boys’ bathroom. Wait a second…

Elena’s eyes grew wide and she put a finger to her lips, gesturing for everyone to be quiet. “They’re after me!” she whispered.

“Who?” Liz asked.

“The…the…”

“Yes?”

“The… the… the… the… the…”

“YES?”

“The… the… the… the… the… the…”

“ELENA, JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!”

“The neighborgs!”

“Huh?” Liz asked, thoroughly confused.

“Let me tell you about them,” Elena said. A campfire sprang up out of nowhere as the lights went out. Everyone sat around it in a circle. “Part neighbor, part robot, and part cauliflower,” Elena began, eyes wide. “The neighborgs prey on unsuspecting neighbors. They also let their dogs go to the bathroom in other people’s yards, let their annoying spoiled kids run around the neighborhood, and they never water their lawn!”

“Gasp!” everyone gasped.

“And they’re after me!” Elena yelled shrilly.

“Gasp-Gasp!” everyone gasped louder.

“And they could…” Elena started.

“Gasp!” Chris gasped, then realized that he was the only one to gasp.

“Must you interrupt me?” Elena glared at him.

“Sorry.”

“Yeah. Anyway, they could be anywhere!”

All of a sudden, Christian burst into the bathroom. “Well don’t just stand there!” she shouted, “hide!” Everyone stared blankly, except Chris, who gasped. Christian held up her thumb to show the broken-ness and gushing blood from the attack.

“Ahhh!” Mary screamed and ran around until she ran into a wall and started cackling.

“You’re all morons,” the messenger said snootily.

“Well you’re as intelligent as Tomika is a good actor!” Liz retorted angrily.

“Hello!” Christian yelled. “My thumb! The neighborgs did it! Ahhh!”

“GRAGGHh!” Everyone looked around frantically. It was (dramatic music starts here) the neighborgs!”

“What do we do?!” Tomika squealed.

“What?! How did you get in here?!”

“I don’t know…” Tomika replied.

“This is a boys’ bathroom, you realize that, right?” Liz asked.

“Whoops!” Tomika squealed again (it likes to squeal). “Bye guys!” it said as it ran out the door.

“Rip, Slash, Aieee!” could be heard from outside the boys’ bathroom.

“I’m okay,” Tomika shouted from the hallway. “They’re temporarily blinded by my shiny outfit.”

“I’ll save you, Tomika!” Harry Potter shouted out of nowhere.

“NOOO!” everyone but Christian shouted.

Rip, Slash, Aieee!

“He’s…dead!” Tomika yelled.

“Well, anyway,” Chris began, “I’ve got a plan!”

“What is it?” the messenger asked. He never got a response though, because Chris started puking again.

“That’s a great idea, my everything,” Mary shouted. “We can blast them with your puke!” An awkward silence overcame the restroom.

“That’s disgusting!” Elena shouted.

“Agreed,” Christian said.

“Why are we in the guys’ bathroom?” AnnWa asked, appearing out of thin air.

“How’d you do that?” Liz asked, amazed.

“Never mind that,” Mary said. “Chris, what’s your plan?”

“Wrack ill huat blagh!” he said, overcome by a wave of nausea.

“Good thing I speak Pukanese,” Mary said, putting on librarian glasses and taking a dictionary off a shelf that appeared out of nowhere.

“How’d you do that?!” Liz asked again.

“He said that we need to kill the neighborgs,” Mary said, shutting the dictionary with great force and a few moths got pressed in the pages.

“Can I see the dictionary?” Liz asked.

“What dictionary?” Mary asked, her hands empty, and not a trace of a moth anywhere.

“Would you stop doing things that are physically impossible without CGI??!” Liz shouted, her face quite red.

“That’s three drinks right there, Orlando Bloom said, jumping down from the ceiling.

“How did you…? Can I have your autograph?!” Christian asked.

“Ha ha ha,” Orlando said rather cockily, “I must leave you.” With that, he jumped on to the back of a white stallion that galloped through the bathroom and dissolved into the wall.

“That was…” Christian started.

“Interesting,” Liz finished.

“Random,” the AnnWa added.

“Gangsta!” Mary yelled.

“Monkey-riffic!” Der Affeman’s face was peeking over the top of the bathroom stall.

“AHHHHH!!” everyone screamed.

“To die by the neighborgs, or der Affeman, that is the question.”

“Thanks for that, Christian,” Mary said.

“Let’s take a vote,” Liz, the logical one for the moment, suggested.

The votes were unanimous; they would rather be killed by the neighborgs. Elena, after a delayed reaction, started screaming about rather being murdered by the greasy German teacher, but it was too late. They opened the door…

“Wait a minute!” Chris said, his face not so green.

“What?” Everyone turned to face him.

“We had a sub for your class today, but you’re here…How does that work?”

“Hey, that’s right!” Mary said, reflecting back to chapter one, which was their German class.

“Err, um,” der Affeman stuttered.

“I’ll bet he’s concocting an evil plan,” Ann laughed sarcastically.

“NO-you can’t see yet, I mean…” der Affeman drifted off.

“Let us see!” Mary yelled, trying to open the door.

“Nein, Regina,” he replied.

“No…”

“Katje?”

“No.”

“Astrid?”

“NO! What kind of a moron are you?!”

“One obsessed with monkeys,” Liz whispered to Christian.

“Let’s play twenty questions!” Chris said.

“I’ll start!” Mary shouted. “Does it have anything to do with monkeys…”

“…being released into the school…” Liz continued.

“…and taking over?” Christian finished.

“Maybe, maybe not,” der Affeman replied. His eyes were moving shiftily back and forth under his shaved eyebrows.

“I demand that you tell us!” Elena said. She could be quite frightening when she was angry. Der Affeman disappeared behind the stall door.

“Hello?” Mary said, opening the stall door.

“He’s gone!” Christian said.

“Hey, look at this,” Chris said, pointing to some writing on the back of the door. They all gathered and read: ‘Need help finding an escaped teacher? Call Othello Bloom.’

They all looked at each other.

“I think we should call Othello Bloom,” Liz said.

“Thanks, Captain Obvious,” AnnWa said, pulling out her cell phone.

“We should probably get the number first,” Chris said.

“Oh, right,” Ann said, putting away her phone. “Let’s get a phone book.”

“Only one problem,” Mary said. “We’re trapped in the boys’ bathroom, the neighborgs are out in the hallway, and there’s no phone book in here.”

“That’s three problems, learn to count,” Christian replied smartly.