WARNINGS: This fiction contains slash, meaning gay, boy/boy action. If you don’t like it, go away. If you don’t like it, but read it and flame me anyway, kindly do us all a favor and deposit yourself in hell where you can’t bother anyone anymore. I’m putting a warning here and I’ve got one in the summary. So it’s your own fault if you read it.

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Author’s Notes: Ok! This is a one-shot for SatisfyAnEmptyInside, since she helped me set up my LiveJournal account recently, and because she is a wonderful person who writes wonderful stories.

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Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away there lived a perfect princess with perfect blonde hair and perfect blue eyes and perfect fair skin and perfect rosy lips. But since stories with perfect princesses appear way too often and are most often completely corny (especially if it’s a Disney story), let’s focus on who this story is really about: the princess’ brother. That’s right, the princess has a brother. I mean, you can’t tell me that the king and queen only have one kid. I know that I when I get married I sure as hell am not only going to have sex with my husband until we have a kid and then leave it at that, and I know they didn’t have birth control pills, condoms or abortions back then.

So anyway, the prince (whose name was Alex) wasn’t anything like his perfect sister. He had normal dirty blonde hair, normal brown eyes, normal colored skin and normal colored lips. And his parents were so ashamed of him that they locked him away in a tower so that no one would know they a normal son. Such wonderful parents, aren’t they?

Unfortunately they had to rent out the tower because it belonged to a greedy old witch who was so ugly anyone who looked upon her would instantly die. And the rent was 3,000 gold pieces every week. But the king and queen were so desperate to hide their normal son from the world, they happily agreed to this outrageous sum. So poor Alex was locked away in a tower with nothing but legos to entertain him. Woe is him. But even after Alex was locked away in a tower people still knew about him. Why is that? Because the stupid king and queen didn’t lock him away until his thirteen. Why? Because they kept hoping one day he would wake up and be a perfect prince. And when that didn’t happen by the time he reached puberty, they gave up and locked him away. Which is really kind of stupid because guys usually look their best after they’ve gone through puberty. Except if they go to my school. Then all but a select few will probably look like monkeys.

So, three years after the king and queen had locked Alex away in a tower, they couldn’t pay the rent anymore because they were too poor. So when that weekly bag of money didn’t come, the witch (wearing a cloak, because, for some odd reason, she was against killing people, even though she didn’t mind causing them terrible amount’s of pain) came to the castle and demanded her money.

“But we can’t pay you!” cried the queen. “Your expensive rent has made us poor as peasants!”

“I don’t care! You cough up the dough in three days time, or you will regret ever having crossed paths with me!” the witch cackled. Then she vanished.

The king and queen were left with two options. Either take Alex out of the tower so they wouldn’t have to pay the rent, or cough up the money. Well, as far as anyone can see, the decision is obvious. It’s much more practical to try and get 3,000 gold pieces in three days than just take your normal son out of the tower. Not. But then again, society is ruled by the pretty people, and famous and powerful people just can’t have normal looking kids. So the king and queen desperately tried to get 3,000 gold pieces, but by the end of the three days they only had 2,999 pieces.

When the witch came, she was furious. “In punishment, I shall take your perfect daughter as payment!” she cackled. Then she grabbed the princess and vanished.

The whole kingdom was devastated. The king and queen sent messages to all the other kingdoms in the land, begging for help. They promised that whichever prince that rescued their daughter would gain her hand in marriage. And since almost all the princes were hormonal, teenage boys that wanted to get laid by someone, they happily agreed to try and rescue the princess.

Among these princes and one of the only ones that didn’t have balls instead of brains was a prince named Erik. And there is one very important thing you need to know about Erik. He’s gay. And the only reason he even agreed to try and rescue the princess was because he had heard from several people that the only reason the princess was gone was because the king and queen couldn't pay the rent to keep their normal son locked away from the world, and he wanted to meet the prince

So the princes all set off towards the witch’s lair. Along the way there were many perils, like dragons and demons and rabid fangirls and preps. Actually the dragons and demons weren’t all that big of a problem. But I’d like to see you try and escape a mob of rabid fangirls alive, or stand by a group of preps and have them bad mouth you until your spirit is broken and still be able to go on. However, by some miracle, five princes survived these awful things. After many days of traveling, they met up near a bridge that led to the witch’s lair. Out of all of them, only Erik was unscathed. Why? Because Erik was smart and brought his yaoi fangirl sister along, told her about the prince being trapped in the witch’s tower, and then sat back and watched as she beat the crap out of anyone that even thought about threatening her brother because she wanted to see him get some action.

Anyway, back to the present. The five princes looked at the bridge cautiously. It seemed sturdy enough, but you could never tell because the witch’s magic could be making it look different than it really was. But the unspoken promise of sex was too much for most of them and so they proceeded. Erik went because he saw a huge sign coming from one of the towers that said “Help! Parents trapped me here because I look normal and I’m from a royal family!”

When they all reached the bridge, however, they were stopped by a little old man with a pointy beard.

“Stop!” he commanded. “In order the cross this bridge, you must answer the question I give you correctly! Otherwise you will be tossed into the chasm and eaten by piranhas from the river below!”

The first prince scoffed. “Like I’m gonna listen to an old coot,” he grumbled. He proceeded to walk across the bridge. And what do you think happened to him? That’s right! He was tossed into the chasm and eaten by the piranhas.

The other four princes winced as the screams of “OH GOD, HELP ME!!!” and “THE PAIN! GOD, THE PAIN!” reached their ears. The little man glared at them.

“Anyone else want to try and cross the bridge?” he challenged.

The second prince stepped forward. “Ask me your question, you old fart,” he smirked. However, the old man had conveniently forgotten to mention that if you insulted him, you also got thrown into the piranha infested water. So the second prince was chucked into the chasm and he too started screaming in pain as he was eaten.

The third prince decided that this wasn’t worth it so he turned around and headed home, and on the way got eaten by wolves. The fourth prince stepped forward. “Ask the question,” he said.

The little man smirked. “What is the square root of 3 to the fifth power divided by 6 times 5 plus 6584 times 47 to the fourth power divided by pi squared?” he said.

The prince stared at him. “Uhhh…. Two?” he asked hopefully.

“Nope! Sorry!” the old man giggled and the fourth prince was thrown into the chasm.

Now Erik approached. “I humbly ask you to give me the question you have, sir,” he said.

The little man grinned and was about to give Erik the hardest question on earth when he saw that his sister was pointing two machine guns, five tanks, three swords and a bazooka at him, and holding a sign that said “Ask him an easy question or I’ll blow your brains out!” She really wanted to see her brother get some action.

The little man gulped. “Uh… What’s one plus one?” he asked quickly.

Erik blinked. “Two,” he replied, a little confused.

“Correct! Now just cross the damn bridge before I get killed!” the little man said and he pushed Erik onto the bridge and then ran away screaming. The prince just shrugged and made his way towards the witch’s lair.

The large wooden doors to the witch’s castle were already open so Erik walked inside. He came to a fork in the room, with two hallways leading off somewhere. One said “Hallway to witch’s lair, where she is keeping the perfect princess” and the other said “Hallway to tower that contains a normal looking prince that no one cares about” It didn’t take Erik more than two seconds to walk down the second hallway.

Now, since Alex has been trapped in that god forsaken tower for three years with nothing but legos to entertain him, he’s pretty damn bored by now. And he’s sick of that stupid witch coming around every hour and cackling “You’re nothing but a normal looking boy! You’ll be trapped here forever because no one will ever like you!” I mean, he knew he was normal looking, but he wasn’t ugly and he had actually been kissed by three guys before he had come here, so not everyone hated him. Still, it got annoying and did lower his self esteem quite a bit. So when he heard someone open the door to the tower he screamed “I KNOW I’M NORMAL LOOKING GODDAMNIT!!! STOP TELLING ME THAT!!! IT’S GETTING ANNOYING!!!!” Then he realized that it wasn’t the witch at the door, but instead a very confused and very good looking prince staring at him. He blushed. “Um, I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else,” he said sheepishly.

Erik walked into the room and closed the door. He looked at Alex and smiled. “Evidently so, because I don’t think you’re normal looking at all,” he said.

Alex blinked. “You don’t?” he questioned. “Not at all?”

Erik shook his head as he waked closer to Alex. “No. In fact, I think you’re absolutely adorable,” he said with a grin, and then pressed his lips to the other boys quickly. Alex yelped in surprise before melting into Erik’s touch and moaning softly. The other boy pushed him back onto the bed and they just kissed for what seemed like hours, just happy to be in the other’s presence. Alex was thankful he was finally going to able to get out of the tower and Erik was happy because Alex was adorable and he liked Erik. And he wasn’t going to have to deal with his sister screaming at him for dragging her on this trip for nothing..

So Erik took Alex back to his kingdom were they were married, because no one cared that they were both males (and Erik’s sister killed anyone who did). And everyone forgot about the perfect princess and she was left to rot in the witch’s castle forever. Oh well. No one cares.

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Meh, I know it’s short, but I had fun writing it. I hope you enjoyed it, Cookie-chan! :-) Thanks for all your help! And get working on the LOTR fic! I wanna read it… (Squirms impatiently)