The Book of Rules
by Darcy and Rory Harman

Cast
Narrator
King
Fool
Knight
Wizard
Dragon
Princess

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful kingdom. Because it had to be once upon a time and it had to be a beautiful kingdom. (sighs) Anyway, it was a beautiful kingdom. And of course, there was a king. Because democracies hadn't been invented yet.

KING: Ahem!

NARRATOR: Right. The story. One morning the King noticed that something was wrong...

KING: Help! My most prized possession has been stolen! Somebody help! Anybody!

FOOL: What's the matter sire?

KING: Anybody else?

FOOL: Nope. No one around here but me.

NARRATOR: It has to be the Fool who helps you. (holds up Book of Rules) Says so right here, page twelve. Besides, everyone knows that Fools are always the smartest characters.

KING: Fine. My most prized possession has been stolen! What can we do?

FOOL: There's only one thing we can do! We must go on a quest to find it!

KING: But my favorite show comes on in half an hour!

NARRATOR: Nope. The Rules say that you have to.

FOOL: Off we go then.

NARRATOR: Ahem. Do you even know where you're going?

KING: Nope.

FOOL: Well, there aren't any evil knights in this area so... To the Dragon's cave!

KING: Dragon? You know what? Let's just stay here, it's not that impor--

FOOL: No sire, we have to go. The Rules say so.

KING: Fine. Let's go.

NARRATOR: So, they headed out towards the Dragon's cave. They didn't get very far before they met a knight, who was blocking their path.

KNIGHT: And just where do you think you're going?

FOOL: To the Dragon's cave!

KNIGHT: Why would you want to do that?

KING: We think it has stolen my most prized possession.

KNIGHT: You're not armed and you're going to fight something that breathes fire? Nothing seems weird about that to you guys?

FOOL: The Narrator said we had to. It's in the Rules.

KNIGHT: Well, that is a problem then. But, I can't let you go until you tell me the password.

KING: Okay. What's the password?

KNIGHT: I can't tell you that. You have to guess!

FOOL: Please?

KNIGHT: That's it! You may pass.

FOOL: Great! Thanks.

(the KING and the FOOL walk past the KNIGHT)

KNIGHT: Wait! I'm coming with you! This sounds like a noble quest. And I haven't got anything better to do.

NARRATOR: So they headed out again. But they didn't get much farther before meeting a wizard.

WIZARD: Good afternoon! Where are you all off too?

KNIGHT: They're going to the Dragon's cave. I decided to come too.

WIZARD: I see. Why would you want to go there on such a nice day like this?

KNIGHT: The King thinks the Dragon stole his most prized possession.

WIZARD: Ah, it's a quest then. Of course. I should have known.

(they all stand quietly for a beat, not sure what to do or say.)

FOOL: Um. What are you doing?

WIZARD: Huh? Oh, I'm fishing.

FOOL: But this is a road, not a river.

WIZARD: Five days, this whole area will be flooded. Fish all around.

KNIGHT: So why don't you just come here in five days?

WIZARD: I wanted to beat the rush.

(they all stand quietly for a few more beats.)

KNIGHT: So, shouldn't we be going then?

FOOL: Oh yeah.

KING: Bye, Wizard, see you later.

WIZARD: (waves absently) See ya.

NARRATOR: But he has to go with you! It's in the rules! (holds up Book)

WIZARD: (sigh) All right, but when I get back traffic's going to be a nightmare. Oh well. Lead on!

KNIGHT: Well, since you've got a wizard now, guess I'm not needed anymore!

(KNIGHT goes to leave, but WIZARD grabs him by the shoulder.)

WIZARD: No, no, no, no. We may need you yet.

NARRATOR: And so, they finally reached the nasty, slimy cave of the Dragon.

DRAGON: (offstage) This is nicest cave in the area! It is not slimy!

NARRATOR: Sorry. And so, they finally came to the nice and clean cave of the Dragon.

DRAGON: (offstage) Thank you.

NARRATOR: Not seeing the Dragon anywhere, they began to search for the King's missing item.

(They look around.)

WIZARD: So, what are we looking for again?

(Enter the PRINCESS.)

PRINCESS: Hi! How are you doing?

KNIGHT: (gasp) Of course! The evil Dragon has been keeping your daughter locked in this cave!

KING: What? No, I don't have a daughter.

KNIGHT: Oh. (to the PRINCESS) What are you doing in this cave then?

PRINCESS: Oh, I just like caves. It's big and shiny and full of cool rocks and stuff!

(Enter the DRAGON.)

DRAGON: And she won't go away! She keeps moving the rocks around and making messes!

WIZARD: So you didn't take her prisoner?

DRAGON: No! I stole this! (holds up a sandwich.)

KING: My sandwich!

FOOL: All this over a sandwich?

NARRATOR: What?! You're supposed to be rescuing the Princess!

DRAGON: Exactly. I stole the sandwich so they would come and take her away. If she stays here much longer some knight is going to come and hurt me! It's in the Rules! (points at the KNIGHT) See? He's already here!

KNIGHT: Uh-uh, I was just bored guarding that path.

DRAGON: Oh. That's good... But what about that wizard?

WIZARD: I promise I mean you no harm.

DRAGON: That's a relief. Well, could you please just take the Princess and leave?

PRINCESS: But I like it here. It's so much cooler than that castle I used to live in.

KING: Can I please just have my sandwich back?

DRAGON: Not until you get the Princess out of my cave.

PRINCESS: I can hear you, you know. You're not being very nice.

FOOL: I have an idea! (whispers something to DRAGON)

DRAGON: Why didn't I think of that?

NARRATOR: Because he's the Fool and you're the Dragon.

DRAGON: Right. Hey, Princess, will you please get out of my cave?

PRINCESS: Why didn't you just ask nicely in the first place?

NARRATOR: But! That's against the Rules! You have to have a big fight!

KNIGHT: Nope. I've decided to stay out of this. I'm just going to watch. It's better than tv.

NARRATOR: (sigh) I quit. (Drops Book, storms offstage.)

PRINCESS: (Picks up Book) So what do we do now?

WIZARD: Well, someone's gotta end this.

DRAGON: But you're all still in my cave!

FOOL: We'll worry about that later.

PRINCESS: Okay. So I left the cave.

DRAGON: Yay!

PRINCESS: (glares at the DRAGON) And the Wizard got back in time to beat the rush and caught the biggest fish ever!

WIZARD: Hooray!

PRINCESS: (glares at the WIZARD) And the King got his sandwich back.

KING: Yay!

PRINCESS: Stop interrupting me!

ALL: Sorry.

PRINCESS: Thank you. And they all lived Happily Ever After. The End.