Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about sex. Maybe it’s the curse of being a seventeen-year-old virgin, and all of your closest friends have all lost their virginity. Or maybe it’s the curse of having a horny teenager of a boyfriend, who ends every date with the question “now?” Who really knows; all I know is that for one reason or another the subject of sex always seems to be on my mind. I keep thinking about asking my best friend Krystal about everything, but she’s still in shock that I haven’t done it. She has the “do it and be done with it” kind of attitude, which is something I seem to be sorely lacking.

I started dating Ben Larson the summer before Junior Year. I should have known from the second I met him that he was the kind of guy that expected things, you know, and that my virginity would come into question along the way. Of course Krystal, who had just lost her virginity to her perfect prince of a boyfriend, tried to convince me that would be a good thing, another thing to cross off my list before I graduated.

“Come on Trish.” She said, tucking her curly brown hair behind one ear and giving me a look. She looked so different, even before she told me she and her boyfriend Derek had slept together. In the course of one day she suddenly seemed to glow, and she looked older and matured and the girl I had known since I was four was suddenly doing it.

I shrugged my shoulders. “What ”

“It will just be something you don’t have to worry about, you know?” She maybe it sound like the answer to the question was right there, but the truth was I didn’t know. I had no idea.

But, still, even after four mouths together I still can’t get my head around the idea of me and Ben doing it; taking that step and going that far. The truth was, and I hadn’t even told Krystal this, but I didn’t even really like Ben that much. I mean, I liked kissing him (sometimes) and he was really nice to me (almost always) but there was just something not there, and I think that is what has kept me from sleeping with him for the past four months, that something that was missing. Something that had to be there is I would even consider sleeping with him.

The weight of his body was pressing me down against the seat of the car, his hands finding the edge of my shirt and beginning to raise it higher; the skin of my stomach being exposed, my bellybutton, and he pulled higher. I knew I would have to stop him soon, I had become ace at it. I would let him go this far, then push him off, straighten myself out and then tell him I had a headache, or I wasn’t in the mood, or that I only had ten minutes until I had to be home.

I pushed Ben off, straightening my shirt and looking over in his direction. I was about to mindlessly repeat one of my many excuses, but the look on his face told me that no matter what I said he wouldn’t believe it. “What?”

“Whenare we ever going to sleep together.”

I smoothed my hair down, and thought about the question. The truth was never, but I certainly had to keep the charade going, didn’t I? “I have a-“ I began to speak, timidly, but he finished the words for me without struggle.

“Headache.” He seemed so angry, so frustrated, like I was some question he couldn’t answer, or a math problem he couldn’t figure out. “I’ve heard that one before.” He paused, “Tell me the truth Trista, are you ever going to sleep with me.”

I didn’t know what to say; I knew what I wanted to say, that I wasn’t ready and I would never be ready when it came to him, but that made me sound prudish and he would probably end up telling everyone at school how Trista Campbell wouldn’t put out. Was that how I wanted to be seen by my sex crazed peers. Even my best of friends couldn’t understand why I hadn’t just done it already. “I’m just not-“ I didn’t have to finish, he knew it already. The look on my face, fear and uncertainty, said everything my lips could not.

“I’m going to take you home.”

And with that he started up the car, the soft rumbling of the engine in the silent night, the sound of the local rock station blaring out into the car, and me sitting in the corner of the car thinking about sex, and why I had to make sex such a big deal. I could have done it a million times already, Ben had given me the chance, but yet I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. There was just something missing there, and I wasn’t willing to give it up to someone who obviously only cared about one thing.

The car pulled to a stop in front of my parent’s three-story house, and he turned down the ignition. My parents were probably already asleep; they liked Ben and always trusted me when I was out with him. Little did they known. I turned my eyes from the dark house to Ben’s face. He still looked as angry and frustrated, and I knew what was coming next. It was what I had been waiting for since the very first time I had pushed him off of me, and asked him to take me home.

“So listen.” He began. I had imagined what he would sound like when he broke up with me, would he be nice or would he just blow me off completely. “I think that things are just not working out between us, and that maybe it was better if we just didn’t see each other anymore.” I nodded, speechless. I had expected it, I had. And it was a good thing, because I couldn’t put up with someone that expected something so great from me. “I hope that we can still be friends.” The classic line, though no one ever really means it when they say it

I climbed out of the passenger side of the car, and made my way to the dark house. I didn’t look around when he pulled off, his music blaring and the squeal of his tires as he took a corner. I had always hated how fast he would drive, and now I would never have to put up with it again. Or pretend that I wanted to be with him, or sleep with him. I was free, and I didn’t have to do the dirty work.

Slipping off my flip-flops, I climbed the stairs quietly, and made my way up the stairs into my bedroom. It was just how I left it, neat and tidy; everything was in perfect order. I reached over on my bedside table, as I flopped down on my bed, and dialed Krystal’s number. She always expected a post-date wrap up from me; she wanted to know exactly what happened. Tonight she would certainly get more than she asked for.

“So?” Her voice echoed in my ear. She had caller ID so I didn’t even after to say one word; the second she looked at the phone she knew that it was me. “How did things go?” There was a suggestive tone in her voice that was always there when she asked about my dates with Ben, like every date I could have had sex with him.

“He broke up with me.”

For a moment there was silence on the other line, and then: “What?” Krystal sounded more upset than I was. “What do you mean he broke up with you?” She was beginning to sound hysterical, like I was telling her that Derek wanted to break up. But then again, Derek would never do that, because he was perfect.

“I mean,” I began, sounded very professional. “That he said we shouldn’t see each other any more.” I wanted to be upset about the whole thing, but I just wasn’t.

“Why?”

I paused for a second; this was the part she wasn’t going to like, and that I would end up hearing about for weeks. “I wouldn’t sleep with him.” I knew what was coming next; I didn’t even have to wonder.

“Trista!” her voice echoed in my ear, and I wondered if she had just woken every member of her family up with her shrill high-pitched voice. “How could you?” She was asking a question, but I didn’t talk. I knew she wasn’t done with her lecture. “I mean, you two were perfect, and I mean I know sex is a big deal, to you, but I mean when are you going to get a chance like this again.”

“What do you mean sex is a big deal, to me?” I questioned, feeling my cheeks getting a little red; she was making it sound as though I was some kind of weirdo for not jumping right into bed with him, or being some kind of slut.

“It’s late. I don’t want to get into it.” So she could shrill about me not sleeping with him, but she wasn’t going to answer my questions. I couldn’t buy it.

“Tell me.”

“Just that sex really isn’t the big deal you make it out to be. You’re so old fashioned.” I heard her yawn into the phone, in a dramatic fashion like everything she did, and then:

“Listen, I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Night.” And then, the dial tone came into the phone and she was gone. This night was over, but I knew it could only be just the beginning. I hadn’t slept with Ben, sure, but there was no doubt in my mind that Krystal would try and find me some other guy to give myself to. But sitting there, in a mixture of pillows and stuffed animals, the night was still fresh on my mind and I could still smell Ben’s cologne on me. I didn’t know what to think; maybe I was just too old-fashioned for a school like Mercer High, and people like Ben Larson and Krystal Cameron.

----

The sun was shining high, and birds were singing, as I walked back to school for the first time since my date on Saturday was Ben, and our break up. I figured by now, it was common knowledge- I would be known as the prudish girl that got dumped by Ben Larson. Snotty gossipers whispered behind my back as I walked past them; I wanted to turn around and yell at them or anything, but I figured that would just make things worse.

“Did you hear? Ben said she like told him she was married to Jesus.”

“Well I heard that she said she couldn’t because she said she was saving herself until she was married. Like she ever will.”

“Oh yeah, well I heard-“ It was a never-ending cycle. I wouldn’t escape my prudish reputation at least this year. I walked on, passing Ben and his newest blonde conquest. They laughed at me, and then Ben whispered something into ear, but I didn’t bother thinking any more about it. I had wasted enough time on that loser.

I noticed Krystal standing beside a Pepsi machine, deep in conversation with Derek, and I made my way over to her. She was still pissed at me about not sleeping with Ben, which I didn’t understand and had been giving me the cold shoulder since I told her, which I understood less. If it had been her, I never would have done this to her. But then again, I was just a prudish virgin that wouldn’t put out.

“Hey.” I came up beside her, trying to act cheery, but she still seemed angry. I smiled at Derek, like I usually did and waited for her to say something back to me, but she remained silent. “Come on; why are you mad at me?”

She faced me, and sneered. “You should know.”

“This is stupid.” I informed her, crossing my arms over my chest. “Just because I would even sleep with a stupid guy, come on.” And it was true, it was stupid for her to be mad at me for not sleeping with him. If anyone should have understood, she should have. After all, she was suppose to be my best friend; best friends for life.

She shook her head. “You were the stupid one, some prudish girl who won’t even sleep with someone she cares about! God. I mean really. I feel like I have nothing in common with you anymore.”

“So the only way we can be friends is if we’ve both had sex! What, am I living in an episode of sex and the city? The only conversation we can have is about condoms, and who’s better in bed?”

“I guess so.”

I was the one shaking my head this time, mostly because I couldn’t believe she was being like this. Fourteen years of friendship and she was willing to throw it all away because I wasn’t willing to give up my virginity to a boy I barely liked. “Krys.” I started but she really didn’t want to listen to me. I could tell. “No seriously. This is important.”

She lowered her defenses, and looked in my direction, ready to hear what I had to say. I knew that she probably wouldn’t understand, but it was worth a shot. I had to get this out, and I had to tell her. I had been keeping this inside for four months.

“Listen, I know I told you I really like Ben, but the truth is I really never even liked him.” I paused, and waited to see if she responded or if she would just act like a child the whole time I spoke, because I really wasn’t up for that.

“Then why did you stay with him so long?”

I shrugged. “You wanted me to be with him, so I figured that if I just kept on with the whole thing then I guess, I would make you happy. Silly I know. But you were just so keen on me being with him.” I looked over in her direction; she had softened around the edges a bit. “I’m sorry I never told you.”

“No, it’s okay.” She assured, unfolding her arms and stepping a little closer. “I’m sorry I was being so stupid. I just wanted you to know what it was like, and I knew this whole thing with Ben was going to happen and I didn’t want to see that.”

“Friends still?”

She smiled at me, the first smile I had seen in days from anyone, excluding my mother. “Friends always.” She corrected, and then the two of us hugged. It was corny, but I was glad. She was my best friend, and sex crazed boys wouldn’t even change that. Besides, if I was going to face the hell of being a prude, I knew I needed her sex-doing ass watching my back.

----

Math.

It was a necessary evil, but that was a class that I shared with Ben and I decided that listening to him and his jock friends whisper about my lack of sexual explodes was not on my list of things to do today. Instead I snuck out behind the football field and did math questions in my binder; it was quiet, there was no one around to whisper about me being a prude, and I would be easily able to get something done. I was deeply emerged in variables and integers, basking in the warmth of the September sun when someone blocked my light.

“Got a smoke.” I looked up, and didn’t recognize the face looking down at me. It seemed familiar, like I had seen him around, but I couldn’t connect the face with a name.

I shook my head. “Sorry. I don’t smoke.”

He sat down beside me, which seemed kind of weird, but then I figured with the talk about me floating around school he was going to make fun of me, or taunt me. “That’s cool.” He looked over my shoulder, at the words in the open textbook sitting on my lap. “Whatcha reading?”

“Math.”

He was weird, he was just sitting beside me reading the textbook and I couldn’t help but feel a little creeped out. What kind of person just sits down beside a complete story, and asks them what they are doing. “That sounds fun. I hate math personally.” He smiled at me, and I gave him a confused smile back. “So shouldn’t you be in class?”

“I’m skipping.”

He smiled. “A bad ass, I like that.” I examined him closely, taking in the sight of him- his baggy clothing, his shaggy hair, and his pierced lip. From the outside he didn’t appear like someone who would just come up to you and sit down and start chatting you up and it was hilarious. “So what’s your name?”

I looked up from my textbook. “Shouldn’t you tell me your first? You were the one who sat down beside me.”

Thrusting out his hand, he smiled goofily and I couldn’t help but giggle as I took his hand. “I’m Drew Peters.” He shook my hand hard, in a dramatic fashion. He paused, looked in my direction and raised an eyebrow. “And you are?”

“Trista.”

“Trista what?”

“Trista Campbell.” I told him finally.

He paused, looked me up and down then smiled. “Oh so you’re the girl that Ben Larson has been using his big mouth to talk about.” I cringed, wondering what was coming next. ‘Oh, you really do fit the part or a prude,’ or maybe ‘You’re going to be a virgin forever.’ I waited, patiently, for whatever taunting he was going to throw in my direction. “Ben Larson is an asshole.” I looked up, and he was smiling at me and I relaxed slightly.

“He really is.” We nodded in agreement and smiled at each other. From the school, across the football field, I heard the sound of the bell and knew I should be getting back to school for my English class. Students were probably crowding in the halls, Ben was probably whispering more about me. Even though I didn’t want to, I knew I should: “I should go.” I began to clean up my things when he grabbed my hand and I looked down at him.

“Wait.”

I dropped my bag and looked at him. “What’s up?” I looked around for my pencil case, when was resting beside him and motioned to pick it up but he stopped me. “I’m going to be late for my next class.” He was being weird, and I was curious to get to know him better, but skipping more than one class a year was something I had never done before. You couldn't be both a virginal prude and a badass at the same time, could you?

He smiled. “Skip it. Hang out with me.”

“But-“

“Do you really want to go in there and face those assholes who are talking about stuff they have no idea about?” It was true, I didn’t. But I also didn’t want a week’s detention for skipping. My mother certainly wouldn’t approve.

I bit my lip. “I really can’t.”

“Yes. Yes you can.” He picked up my bag, throwing it over his shoulder and then started walking off away from campus. I wanted to run back into the school but I couldn’t if someone stole my backpack. I took one more look back at the school and then followed Drew through a wooded path and out into some subdivision where new houses were being built. “This way.”

“Where are we going?” I looked around, taking in the area and thinking about class. Everyone would be piling into English, and the teacher would call my name and I wouldn’t be there. It wasn’t going to go over well, but then again it was better off that I didn’t hear the snickering that would most likely follow my name. Drew stepped back, took my hand, and led me further through the subdivision until we found another wooded area. We started through it, stepping in mud and crushing sticks under our feet. Finally, after what seemed like twenty minutes of hiking, we came to an open area. Clear waters of a lake glistened in the sun, sparkling and glittering like tiny diamonds on the surface of the water. “It’s beautiful.”

Beside me, he pulled of his shirt and tossed it over on a log. Making his water towards the waters edge, he paused to stare out into in for a moment and I noticed a tattoo on his shoulder of a sun. “Yeah. I always come here when I don’t feel like going to class. It’s much more peaceful than high school.” I smiled. “The water’s warm too, come on.”

I looked down at what I was wearing and knew that under it all there wasn’t a bathing suit. He motioned for me to come, then ran out into the water and dove it. “I think I’ll pass.” I called to him as her emerged from the water.

He nodded in agreement, and I watched him for a while until he finally came out of the water and sat down beside me on the log. “So what’s wrong?” He questioned.

“Who says anything is wrong.”

“The look on your face for one.” I studied my hands, embarrassed. “So tell me what is up; what happened?”

“You heard all the stuff that the school is saying.” I told him. “Figure it out.” It wasn't like I really needed to explain the situation any more, it certainly wouldn't stop everything or change what happened.

He put his damp arm around my shoulders, and for a second I felt everything that I hadn’t had with Ben. I felt everything I wanted to feel with Ben with a guy I had known a maximum of two hours. “Don’t listen to them. They don’t know anything about you.”

“I just wish I had slept with him so this all could be over with.”

He looked at me. “Is that really what you want?”

I shook my head. “No. But it would be better than right now. I was so stupid. I don’t know why he has to be such an ass.” I paused. “Or why I have to be such a prude.”

I always thought that I wasn’t, that I just wasn’t content on giving something so important up to any old guy. But now I didn’t care; I wanted to whispering to stop and I wanted to feel normal instead of an outcast. Maybe if I had just slept with him, maybe none of this stuff would be happening. I could glow like Krystal did after she did it; be more mature. And I wouldn't be the biggest prude in the school.

“You’re not a prude.” Drew smiled at me. His smile was so warm and inviting. I could have got lost in it. “You just aren’t willing to be another notch on his dirty bed post. Don’t ever think you have to give something up like this if you don’t want to. It’s your body, not his. You should never do something if it’s not right for you.”

I nodded along as he spoke, even though I didn’t know what I was nodding with. He said these things and I wanted so badly to believe that he was telling the truth. “How will I know it’s right?”

“You’ll know.”

“Drew?” I asked, “Have you ever, you know.” He nodded his head in response. “Did you, regret it?”

He shook his head. “Not at the time, no. But sex changes things, changes a person, and sometimes that ends badly.” He tightened his hold around my shoulders, and smiled.

“That’s why Ben Larson is such a cocky asshole, the second he did it he decided he was going to use girls simply for that.” He smiled. “You made a good choice Trista, even if you don't believe it right now, you made the right choice."

I smiled, wondering if he was telling me the truth and if I really had made the right decision. Two hours with the guy, and I felt like he knew me and knew my situation better then anyone. He wasn’t whispering about me being a prude, he wasn’t pushing me just to get it over with like Krystal had been. He was just sitting here, listening as I spoke and understanding what was going on. He was telling me, and reassuring me, with everything I had wanted to know for so long. I had done the right thing not sleeping with Ben, even with the whispering and taunting, and someday I would find someone where everything was right, and I would take that leap.

“You okay?” He asked, and I came back to reality.

I nodded. “I’m perfect.”

He stood up, taking my hands. “Come on.” He smiled. “Lets go swimming.” And with that he lifted me up and carried me towards the lake. The water was still glimmering, the sun was still shining, and I was still a virgin, only this time I was happy with my decision. People have sex for all sorts of reasons; to get laid, they’re bored, they’re horny, or they’re in love. I knew now, that whenever I did it,my reasonwould be because things were right and I wanted to.