Yes, I AM alive, and still writing it seems. :) Sorry for the delay, but these things happen.

Difficult Decisions- Chapter 21

Secerno had never felt worse than he did at that moment, holding those thin, dangerous vials in his palms, and knowing it was his fault. All his fault.

Secerno wondered if maybe it had been a cruel joke, if Natrix had known this was exactly what would happen, and if he got some sadistic pleasure out of knowing that Secerno had to chose between Cilia, his beloved child, and Tech who was...dear to him in the most extreme of terms. Secerno wondered, and he fumed, furious with himself, furious with the vampire-like creature that was Natrix, and wishing more than anything that he had his hands wrapped around Natrix's throat, squeezing the life out of him. It wasn't an effective way to kill a Thief, of course, but it sure would have made him feel a whole lot better, knowing that Natrix had suffered for the pain he had caused...was still causing.

However, Secerno was more angry at himself than Natrix (something that should have seemed impossible at that time.) Regardless of the fact that this entire situation was that evil snake's fault, there were certain things that were Secerno's fault alone. Secerno should have done something, anything, to stop this from happening, both the experiments themselves as well as the way he had made Tech leave. He had yelled at him. Yelled at him, for Christ's sake. Tech had obviously had no control over whatever curiosity had pushed him to experiment, and Secerno had shouted at him, let his anger and fear shape words that he regretted the instant he had said them.

That was all Secerno truly needed to bury himself in guilt, the knowledge that he had forced pain into the lives of these campers, and that more was yet to come. He had caused it. Tech had said before that no one was interested in the expensive compound in any way, but by Secerno coming here and forbidding it, Tech had gotten curious and played directly into what must have been his form of fate. It was all Secerno's fault...he should have told him the truth, from the very beginning, why he was here, the whole truth. Tech if no one else deserved it, and Secerno would rather Tech have hated him than what he was about to do...what he had to do. Tech had innocently sealed his own fate, and more than anything Secerno wished it hadn't happened. But it had...and he was here for a reason.

He couldn't let Cilia die. He couldn't kill Tech. But what could he do?

II

Tech had always considered himself a strong person. After all the members of his family had died on the same day when he was still just a child, he had made himself strong. He had weak points, yes, where he cried when people or animals got hurt, but for the most part, he took everything in stride. As far as he could really remember, he had always been like that.

Naturally, he was surprised that it hurt so much after he left Secerno. Sure, he had lost a friend, someone he both respected and liked, but the near devastation he was feeling seemed unreasonable for just friendship. When the tears came when he touched that little smashed recording device, Tech was shocked, and he felt a pain he couldn't remember feeling before...his chest ached, which wasn't so unnatural in itself, but it was accompanied by something much worse. Every time he touched the bits of shattered metal, his heart ached. And when the tears continued to flow and he smiled a wobbly smile, he acknowledged something that he really would rather not have thought about at that moment. Why had he wanted so badly for Secerno to see his creation? Simple: he wanted Secerno to be proud of him. Even though the time-jumper was only temporary in his life, in all their lives, he had become more important than Tech could have ever dreamed. And Tech was very much afraid that, despite his better judgment, he was falling in love with a man who would be gone in less than two months. How could he not? Secerno understood him, kept company with him, and he made him see the world as it was instead of the way he had been seeing for the years since his family had died. He made his life whole, made him feel safe and beautiful, like he wasn't crazy or fighting a futile battle. Tech had thought...but then that was irrelevant, wasn't it? What he thought he could accomplish with this, what had driven him for over two weeks, it had all ended with this. The man he cherished, the man he thought he knew, telling him he was foolish. It broke his heart, but he wasn't weak enough to let it impair him completely. He wasn't some simpering lovesick fool, Tech told himself as he sniffed and forced back his tears. He had lived without Secerno for nearly eighteen years, and by God, he could do it for the rest of his life if need be. Secerno's words had told him all he needed to know, and as much as he hated to think it, there was no denying the truth. This wasn't some kind of perfect fairytale, some sort of romance that would shift the stars and change the world. It was reality, a cruel harsh one, and after all the hardships he had already gone through, this should have barely registered. It barely mattered at all.

Tech nodded once, a sharp nod to seal the deal he had made with himself, and he wiped at the moisture on his cheeks, sniffing occasionally when his crying didn't stop entirely. Like he had always done, he would lose himself in his work when life hurt, when he felt like he had nothing else. Him and his work...the only marriage he would ever have. A depressing thought, but a real one nonetheless.

So he worked on the device like a madman. He studied every design he could find, marveling at how new the device was for not even him to have a record of it. He didn't let it discourage him, however; like all recording devices, it followed the basic principles, with a small paper-thin disk containing the actual recording and intricate wiring in order to make it read the disk in question. Most of it was useless, really, stuff to make it more attractive to the eye but that it didn't actually need. It was easy to find the disk itself, and once he did, he sighed. It was damaged almost completely beyond repair, whatever message it contained nearly wiped from the Earth, and Tech almost gave up then and there, what he had truly wanted having already been accomplished. He had spent several good hours on the device, and all that was left in his heart was a numbness that made him feel odd, but not altogether bad. He should have been able to give up without a single qualm about it, taken his hard-acquired numbness and left it at that, before it became something else.

But then, Tech rarely gave up. And although the disk was mostly damaged, he had never known a day when 'mostly' meant 'completely.' He was still damn curious about where Secerno had gotten such a thing, and while he had stayed away from the device before out of a lack of time and a large amount of respect for Secerno's privacy, the pain he felt that had turned to numbness gradually became anger as he looked at the clear flattened circle. He just didn't care anymore.

It took days, long days, to make the flimsy disk readable once again. With each delicate repair, his anger built, powering him to go on without one wink of sleep. Not once in any of those four days of work did anyone but Fern visit him, to feed him and tell him minor things, like how Crestar and Fixer might be getting married. Fern was tactful, of course, not mentioning where Secerno had spent his time, and Tech refused to ask. Damn the time-jumper to hell. He could just leave any day as far as Tech was concerned. He said as much, one of the few things he said at all, his voice hoarse before the second word was out, and then he started to cry again. Without another word, Tech found Fern hugging him.

"I just can't help it. It hurts, and I want him to leave so badly, but at the same time..."

"You never want him to leave?" Fern's voice was soft and coaxing, as gentle as could be, but somehow it just made it worse. He sounded understanding, although Tech had never so much as hinted about what had happened. Tech just couldn't bring himself to share that particular memory, as much out of some selfish need to keep just one thing about Secerno‘s trip to himself as it was to hide his own shame.

"Yes. What is wrong with me?" Tech asked on a sob, although he already knew for the most part. He felt like his life was spiraling out of control, that he had lost the best thing he had ever had, and regardless of his anger, he couldn't help but wonder how Secerno was, what he was doing, if he was happy or if he hurt, too. Love, or whatever the hell this was, was damned annoying it seemed.

Fern didn't answer with more than a heartfelt sigh and a comforting hug, and Tech didn't expect him to. It wasn't something that anyone else could really answer, stored as it was in his own mind and his own emotions. So he asked questions about other things, about Fern's love life, and the radiant, reluctant smile on the green-haired man's face when he told him made Tech feel better, if only marginally. He had said it once, and thought it numerous times: Fern and Ratchet deserved happiness, whatever else was going on in this time and place. It made the emotions he felt go away, for a brief, wonderful moment. Maybe this experience wouldn't change him that much after all...

After Fern left, Tech resumed his work, putting what he considered the finishing touches on the delicate disk. Once he was done, he pulled out his all-purpose disk reading device, something he had designed long ago, and slipped it in, listening.

Tech didn't move for several minutes, and when he did it was to rewind and play it again. The message, fragmented as it was, remained the same.

If you don't kill Tech, Cil will die. It was a message that was short, to the point, and it made his heart crack. Secerno was supposed to kill him. Secerno had come to kill him. The entire time, silver nitrate had had nothing to do with it. Secerno had come to kill him. The details weren't really important; obviously, Secerno had a reason to want him dead, or at least whoever had given him this advanced recording device had a reason. This Cil was obviously a person, probably a female, and the voice was obviously a dangerous male, a threat. In all honesty, the name had been Cil-something, but like other parts of the message, Tech couldn't understand it. But what he did understand was unmistakable...and it explained a few things. Why Secerno was here. Why he spent time with Tech. Why he didn't like him the same way Tech had been convinced he liked Secerno. God, had Secerno ever wanted to kiss him at all, or was it some sort of evil ploy to catch him off guard? When had Secerno been planning to finally kill him exactly? Did it matter?

All in all, that disk was enough to save Tech. Ratchet was still his over-protective self, and with proof that he could freely hate Secerno, Ratchet would tear him apart. At the very least, Secerno would be thrown out of the camp, out of their lives, another betraying time-jumper. Yes, Tech could show this to any camper and have an ally in an instant, and whatever protection he needed.

Perhaps he was irrational, but his entire being refused. He was angry, he was betrayed, but the result of banning Secerno from their safe camp was that he'd die. Tech didn't care what else had happened, but he'd never wish death upon Secerno. Even this Cil-whatever, whoever she was, Tech couldn't wish her misfortune. Secerno obviously loved her a lot, and even though Tech could barely breathe when he thought about it, she must be very important to him. Tech had always believed in anything for love, and he could understand Secerno willing to do anything for this girlfriend or wife he loved. Tech understood. It made him want to curl up and die for a little while, knowing that his own feelings were irrelevant, that Secerno had always been someone else's love, but he understood. What else could he do but wish them well?

Tech wasn't so good of a person, however, that he would happily go to his grave without trying to survive. He wondered if they could talk about it, find another way, a way that both of them could manage to get on with their lives. The statement had sounded so final, but surely there must have been conditions? Other than androids, nobody out there would want him dead for no reason. Tech was quite well-liked, or had been before his self-imposed isolation had kicked in. Tech really didn't know if anybody knew him anymore, but that was hardly the point. The point was that he had to talk to Secerno, had to figure this out. Oh God, Tech had to talk to him.

After all these weeks of deception, Tech didn't know if he could...but he had to try.

III

It was with uneasy nerves that Tech left his shack for the first time in four days with the recording and the remains of the original device safely in hand, blinking against the light that, while not really bright, was the surface of the sun in comparison to the dim shack. He saw faces of people surprised to see him, heard greetings that he returned with only half a mind, set only on one thing: finding Secerno.

Tech didn't know what had compelled him to go to that some rundown building that he had been using as a lab just a week before. He had no real reason to believe that Secerno might be there, nothing other than instinct to motivate him, but, through either a miracle or a curse, that was exactly where the time-jumper was. When he hesitantly entered the neglected remains of the building, he found Secerno standing near the table, his back unintentionally towards Tech, clutching the edges of the table until Tech felt certain that the metal, sturdy as it was, would dent. He wasn’t really sure whether Secerno knew he was there, wasn’t really sure if Secerno would have cared one way or the other, but Tech refused to take the opportunity to make a quick getaway as his heartsick instincts demanded. He took a deep breath, and spoke with an admirably even, if soft, voice.

“Secerno?”

Secerno whipped around, a surprised look on his face, and Tech would have smiled if he hadn’t felt his stomach drop down to his toes when Secerno looked at him. It shouldn’t have mattered, not when he knew the truth, but Tech couldn’t help but see his gold eyes and think about the past month with a smile in his heart.

God, but I’m going to miss you. Whatever else happens, I’ll miss you…

“Tech-I…what are you doing here?”

Secerno couldn’t believe what he was seeing, didn’t want to hope, was afraid to. If Tech was here, did that mean that he had found some way to make it better, to take away his decision? It was ridiculous to hope, of course, because Tech wasn’t aware what sort of mistake he had made…because Secerno had never told him. Before the guilt could set in, Tech spoke again.

“I want you to explain something to me.” And then he held out his hand.

Secerno wasn’t sure what Tech was talking about until he looked down. At first all he saw was his faux arm, gleaming and beautiful, but upon closer inspection, Secerno noticed the shards of metal clasped in his fist. They were too familiar, the remains of a contraption that Secerno had hoped not to see again. He glanced up again, and noted the half-guilty, half-disappointed look on Tech’s face, and felt a hard lump form in his gut.

“These were in your jacket pocket. The disk wasn’t badly damaged.” It was all Tech needed to say, all that mattered. Obviously he had listened to the disk. Obviously he had understood why Secerno was really here and how much it would cost him to leave Tech alive, and he could only hope that the little cyborg would understand why Secerno couldn‘t kill him, even if there was no point to saying the words now that Tech knew the truth of the matter. Tech probably wouldn’t believe him, and his doubt was not entirely without reason.

Secerno had debated constantly for the past four days about what to do, about how to fix this without hurting Tech anymore than life already had. He had come up with a speech in his mind, an explanation of the barest kind, and he had come up with the only possible way to save both Tech and Cilia, the only way to keep whatever Natrix feared from happening: pretend it didn’t exist.

Secerno didn’t think it would be easy. After all the turmoil that compound had caused, he desperately wanted to dump it in a lake, burn it until there was nothing left, but he couldn’t do such a thing when he had no idea what the consequences of those actions would be. And if he accidentally triggered something, something that hurt the camp or the earth or even the androids, then Secerno didn’t know if he could ever forgive himself. What’s more, he had no idea why Natrix had chosen silver nitrate. As Natrix was hardly a smart creature, Secerno doubted he knew about the effects the mixture would have on the environment, future or otherwise, and he was short-sighted enough not to care either way. After Secerno had dismissed the idea of this entire scheme as simply a way to cause him pain, Secerno had reasoned out that the only possible excuse for making sure something didn’t happen was that, if by making this compound, Tech somehow hurt Natrix himself in his near future. This logic had basically reverted him back to the beginning, however, and he found himself asking the same question over and over while trying to deal with the events of the past few days. What did silver nitrate do?

Secerno sighed, and looked back at Tech. At the moment, he had slightly bigger problems. Tech obviously knew that Secerno had lied, that he was here to kill him…Secerno’s eyes narrowed as another thought struck him. If Tech knew Secerno was dangerous, where were the others? Why was Tech here alone?

“Tech, what are you doing here?” It was the same question he had asked before, but he twisted his emphasis on the words just enough that the meaning changed. Tech, perhaps because he was naturally intelligent of perhaps because of their earlier, short friendship, caught the change without any further words.

“I wanted to give you the chance to explain,” Tech said, still softly, and Secerno watched as he nervously shifted the metal remains in his hand with a barely noticeable clinking sound. He seemed so focused on his menial task that Secerno was surprised when he raised determined, beautiful, trusting eyes to look at him without fear.

“Besides, I know that you would never kill me in cold-blood.”

“So trusting,” Secerno remarked softly, quite simply amazed. That Tech would still believe in him after Secerno had betrayed him, after others had betrayed him, was astonishing. It honored Secerno to the depths of his soul to know that Tech would have such faith in him, fragile as it was, after he had deceived him for a solid month or more.

“Don’t mock me,” Tech said, and for the first time Secerno heard pain in his voice. Tech thought he was laughing at him.

“I’m not. What I wouldn’t give to have your faith in humanity…” Secerno shook his head in slightly amused reflection, amazed he could find anything to make him smile at a time like this. Tech had had a better effect on him than he would ever know, it seemed.

“But you asked for explanations. I’m not really certain what you know-” The truth, as Secerno couldn’t remember exactly what Natrix-that-snake had said “-but I’ll answer any questions you have.”

“I only have one.” So saying, Tech stepped forward, a truly curious action, and held out the remains of the recording orb as well as some hastily built contraption, as though to give them back. Secerno took them and set them aside, careful not to touch Tech in any way. That was the last thing either of them needed at the moment.

Tech silently returned to his original position a safe distance away, or what he must have thought was a safe distance away. Had Secerno wished him any ill, miles wouldn’t be safe.

“Which is?” Secerno prompted when Tech remained quiet, looking at the floor. At the question, Tech glanced at him, his eyes sad.

“Why would you want to kill me? What have I done-” Tech stopped with a soft cough and corrected himself “-What will I do that is so horrible as to kill me for? I think I deserve to know that.”

Secerno was confused. If Tech had heard the recording, why would he ask that? Secerno remembered something about silver nitrate in Natrix’s smooth, diabolical voice.

“How much did you listen to, Tech?”

“Only what I could.” Tech moved forward again, fiddling with the second device until a raspy version of the original recording spewed out.

“If you don’t kill Tech, Cil will die.”

Secerno didn’t know whether to be relieved or exasperated at the little amount of information salvageable on the disk, deciding simply to throw his hands in the air in disgust. There would be quite a bit of explaining either way, if seemed.

“Perhaps I should start with my situation. I am not a time-jumper…at least not by choice,” he added, almost regretfully. What he wouldn’t give to be an ordinary time-jumper…

Tech didn’t look surprised.

“Of course not. Nobody is a time-jumper because of a conscience decision. Supposedly if has something to do with stars, wind currents, and body structure, but I don’t know the details. You’d have to ask Shadow for specifics, I think,” Tech supplied helpfully, almost cheerfully. Secerno just barely caught the last bit.

“Shadow?” Somehow, Shadow didn’t seem the type to dabble in the time-space continuum.

“Sure. He even designed some sort of device that can force a single person to the past or future…but then they couldn’t get back again. Or they might get torn to pieces during the actual travel if they don’t have the body structure for it. But he’s very smart,” Tech finished with pride. Whether Shadow knew it or not, nearly everybody in the camp seemed to view him as a proud extension of their family.

“Yes, he’s…Tech, we’re getting off the subject,” Secerno said, shaking his head with a soft laugh at the gentle irony. When Secerno was suddenly willing to reveal the truth, neither of them could keep their mind on the issue.

Tech shrugged, looking a little sheepish. Clearly, he didn’t really want to discuss it either.

“The point of my original statement is that I was forced to come here, not by the winds or the stars but by an enemy of mine.” He nodded in the direction of the small devices.

“Natrix, who is best described as a devious rat-bastard, kidnapped my godchild Cilia, and threw me into this time with the specific instructions not to let anyone, but especially you, experiment with silver nitrate,” Secerno said quickly, not wanting to get into too much detail about his former lifestyle, as it hardly made him proud.

Tech was silent, and Secerno didn’t know what he could do besides stand there as Tech twisted his braid around his hand and absorbed the information. Strangely enough, Secerno felt…lighter. Like a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. (A/N: Sorry, gotta do it. AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!)

“So Cilia is your godchild?” Tech sounded almost…relieved.

“Yes.”

“How old is she?”

“She turned 11. Nine hundred and sixty-one years ago.”

Tech was silent, so much so that Secerno feared that his explanation had done little more than confuse him further. What he did next, however, Secerno was in no way prepared for: he removed the leather jacket that he still wore even after Secerno’s deception (a minor fact that had lurked somewhere in the back of his mind the entire time), stepped towards him, and closed his eyes.

“Then kill me.”

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Bwahaha...