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.if you kill me slowly.

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12: eye of ice

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I made coffee in the morning and smoked a cigarette. Evan had slept over at some guy’s house—I didn’t really care who’s. I sipped my coffee, grimacing as I did so because I actually hated coffee, but I had to wake up. I was like a drone. I had to snap out of this state. I had to. . . move on.

But I couldn’t. I missed Elle so much.

I heard a yip and looked out the window. Something tugged at my stomach. I saw that dog again, snooping around my yard. It looked up, its eyes strangely capturing. It barked.

The dog’s bark.

When Jesse had first come out, in my room. . . there had been a dog barking. Erin had gotten angry at it. . . she had jokingly suggested she kill it. It wasn’t only Erin who provoked Jesse, but the dog, also.

And at the party. I had heard a yelp. A dog’s yelp, but I hadn’t processed that because Jesse had come out right as soon as I had heard it.

He had been responding to the dog’s barking.

I stood up and walked to the door. I opened it, and instantly, the dog came padding up the driveway, its pink tongue hanging out as it panted.

“You always howl,” I said to it as it trotted passed me, straight into the house, only hesitating when it went by me. I closed the door and frowned a little as it stared up at me with its bright eyes.

Bright, but. . . icy.

There was the sensation again. That tugging, tearing, tingling. . .

I stood in the kitchen of Cameron’s house, staring down at a yellow retriever. I cocked my head a little, staring down at her eyes. It was definitely a she; she had that feminine grace. Her eyes were so. . . familiar, though, almost hauntingly so.

Icy blue like May’s.

I kneeled in front of the dog and tilted my head the other way. She tipped her head and began prodding at my sleeved arm with her wet nose. I frowned and pulled my sleeve up, revealing the various scars that both Cameron and I had created. I smiled a little when she began to lick at the scars, and I soon realized. . . this was probably May. It was just. . . a feeling.

And I couldn’t stop smiling. “I missed you, I think,” I said, gently. The dog just kept licking and licking, and I grinned, reaching up to pet her head. If she was indeed May, she should have been an old dog by now. Very close to dying. Nineteen, twenty years now—that was around five or more years older than most dogs were expected to live. But maybe, maybe she had held on for me.

I whispered, “I think I’ll call you May.” I hesitated, and added with a grin, “For the month, of course.”

And finally, I felt myself fade.

I stood up, partially confused, as I watched the golden dog lick my arm. I frowned; for some reason, I felt. . . relieved. Like a huge burden had left me. I stood up. Jesse must have pulled up my sleeve; I pulled it down, then looked at the dog in curiosity when it stretched itself across the kitchen floor, on its side. I crouched beside it and placed a hand on its ribs. I realized it wasn’t breathing. I stared down at it, my eyebrows lowered in confusion, and I put everything together.

“May,” I murmured. I stood up again. I had half a mind to kill myself, but not because I was suicidal. Perhaps I could have given Jesse and May another chance, this time in a new life. . . but I decided not to. Instead, I reached for the phone, and decided to give Ally a very, very long apology. This was my time, and I had to prove to myself, Jesse, that life wasn’t always so bad.

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fin

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A/N: The lame eeeend.

ReviewsAHHthankyouSOmuch!
Typesour, darknesslivesinu, K3aly, PearlinTheMist, vanderhall, insane-mocha, Death Princess, ellabella, EmilyTheWise, Angelbmo, Jaz108, emerald, talenyn, Cooties.

- ellabella: wellums, obviously the Erin chick was also into reincarnation, and when Cameron/Jesse talked to her at the hypnotist show, she recognized his personality, and he called himself “Jesse”, and her past life lover was also named Jesse, so she pieced them together and was so desperate that she believed he really was her Jesse. thanks for pointing out the words-running-together mistakes, eheh!

- EmilyTheWise: no, May should be older than Jesse because she died first and got her head start on reincarnation. She would have been three when he died.