Turning Points

Made the mistake the first time, and I should have learned. I thought I was ready, and so did he. We were on top of the world. We could handle it. We were adults now. When I started to get the symptoms, I brushed them off. I had just caught the flu that had been going around, it was nothing. But when I was late, I knew, even though I didn’t admit it even to myself. I took the test to see if it was true. I took it again two more times. All were positive.

It took me so long to break it to my boyfriend, and even longer to tell my mom. My boyfriend freaked out and ditched me. I was so alone. Then I told her, and instead of getting angry, instead of slapping me like she should have, she hugged me. She was shocked, but she understood that I knew I had made a mistake. A huge one. A life-altering one. What my life was to become, it would never be. That path was shut off to me.

So, we mapped out my options. I was not going to get an abortion, that was out of the question. I couldn’t destroy this life that I created and I didn’t think I was up to the emotional effect it would have on me either. I wanted to keep it and try to raise it myself. My mom said I would have to make my own decisions now since I had to become an adult immediately. I had to grow up quicker than I thought. And there was more to being an adult than I thought. So much more. So much responsibility that I wasn’t ready for. But luckily, I didn’t have to go it alone, like most adults do when they first set out and become adults. My mom was there and she was letting me stay home.

Several months later, my daughter was born. She was gorgeous, and small, and fragile! I was so excited! I loved her right away and I wanted to do everything for her. I had to do everything for her. I dropped out of school. Maybe later I’d go back to at least finish high school. My dreams of college were even farther out of my grasp. Maybe. One day. But for now, there was work to be done. Lots of it.

It was fun at first. Every time she cried and I had to perform my role of new mother and do something for her so that she would be satisfied. But after a few weeks, the novelty wore off. She kept me up so many nights. I was going bonkers. My mom was there, but she let me handle it on my own. It was my responsibility now.

Suddenly, I didn’t want the responsibility any more. I wanted my life back. I couldn’t handle this. I started on down the path to depression. I would cry myself to sleep at night. And then, one day, I would make the mistake again.

Since my little girl was born, my ex-boyfriend came back into my life. He tried to apologize, saying that he hadn’t meant to get so freaked out, he just hadn’t thought of the possibility that I’d actually get pregnant. Yah, a little too late, mister! But when he was around our daughter, he just acted so sweet. It seems that she can charm anyone.

Well, one night when my family was out and I was alone with my baby, he came over. We put her to bed and went downstairs to watch some tv. Well, one thing led to another, unfortunately, especially since, I hate to admit it, I am still attracted to him, and we ended up making love again. And I ended up getting pregnant again. And I made the same mistake twice. And he freaked out again. And my mom looked at me disbelievingly and said, “I don’t think that you can take care of another baby, darling. You can barely take care of the first one. What goes on in that head of yours? Sometimes I just don’t know. I’m not upset or disappointed. I just wish that I had taught you better. I’m sorry.”

I felt sooo guilty. I felt so bad for having to put my mom through that. What kind of daughter was I? Making my mom into a grandma before I even turned 20, before I even graduated from high school?!

My first child got sick and we had to go to the doctor’s. After a long ordeal that cost a lot of money, involved special medicine and several more check-ups, and lots of emotional energy spent, she got better. But I did not. The stress that I was under made me worry about the unborn child I was carrying. And then, I thought about the first one. What kind of life is this that I’m giving her? What kind of mother am I who hasn’t finished her education, who has no one but her own mother to support her, and for how much longer she will be supported, she doesn’t know?

I spent the night thinking over several things. And rolling over and thinking some more. By the time dawn came around, I hadn’t gotten an ounce of sleep. But I had gotten my answer. I had made a decision.

Even now I question it. But I know that it is what I had to do. And it altered my life again. It wouldn’t have needed doing if I hadn’t made the first mistake in the first place. I can’t change the past, so I may as well stop dwelling on it. But I can still feel the emotional pain lingering as a shadow close to my heart. I decided to give them both up for adoption.

It was so hard to part with my daughter. And my new born son whom I had fallen in love with as well. It was just so hard to do everything that it involved. The family that took them looked like a good one. A nice and stable family. A happy couple with a wonderful house in the suburbs. She couldn’t have children and they really wanted one so badly. They felt even luckier that they were getting two, a sister and a brother. And I was happy to see that they could grow up to have a normal life, a happy life, a life where my mistake wouldn’t doom them from the start.

I cried a lot.

I didn’t want to leave my room.

I even considered suicide. But I didn’t bother. I just didn’t feel like moving at all. Didn’t feel like putting any effort into anything.

My mom was there again. And she held me close. And she told me she loved me. And she said that I had finally become an adult, like I had wanted to. Making that decision was hard, but it was the most responsible thing I could have done. And she was proud of me for being strong and living through this.

It took me a long time before I started to live again. I came out of my room and walked around the house. I ate breakfast. I turned on the tv.

We had gotten rid of all the baby things. That helped me a lot, because I don’t think I could have survived the first couple of weeks if they were still around.

And, when September rolled around, I was back in school. I was going to finish high school, then go to college and get a degree, like I had originally intended. Things felt different, though. How could they be the same?

I did it. I passed high school and I got into college. But the whole time I wondered, how were they doing now? My children, how was life for them? Were they happy? Were they being treated well? I knew that I was welcome to go and see them if I wanted to. I had an agreement with the adoptive parents. I was supposed to be a cousin or something. I couldn’t do it, and I never did. I still wonder.

Life didn’t turn out the way I had expected it to. I didn’t get the job that I had dreamed of as a little girl, but I didn’t do badly in what I did get. I made a decent salary and was respectable. I ended up getting married in my early 30’s. At first, I didn’t want to have children. I didn’t think that I could ever have children again. That was a mistake that I had already made and I didn’t want to live through it again. All those long nights. All that time and energy.

But he really wanted children. He said that he had always wanted children. He reminded me that I knew that before we were even engaged. And I did. I had just hoped that I would be able to share his enthusiasm when the time came.

Well, I decided to go through with it, for him. I loved him with all my heart and he deserved to become a father. This time was different. I was an adult now and had so much more stability within myself. It was easier. And when our son was born, I was happier than I had been in a very long time. Happier than I had been since the day I lost my virginity. He was a wonderful little boy and we raised him well.

He made it through high school and college, and he got a degree in mechanical engineering. He got the job that he had wanted and he got a wife, and they had two little girls.

I was a grandmother!

Memories from my past floated up to the front of my mind. I knew I was a grandmother now, but, was it possible that I had already become a grandma before this day? Was it possible that my daughter, or my other son had already had their own children? What were they doing now? Where did they go? Who did they meet? What kind of life were they living? Were they happy? Did they know about me? Would they try to come and find me?

And then I looked at my son and wondered about him. He didn’t know that he wasn’t my first child, he wasn’t my only child. He had a half-brother and half-sister somewhere out there in this world. If they were to pass on the street, would they even know it? Would I recognize my own children if I were the one to pass them by?

So many questions and so many answers that I wouldn’t ever know.

I got sick not long after I retired. I had cancer. My time was short. My family came to me and surrounded my bed and told me they loved me. I told them that I loved them too. I was coughing. Blood was coming up and I didn’t want them to see. I didn’t want them to be upset.

Then I died.

My daughter had tried to find me when she had graduated university, but because I moved and didn’t leave my new address with the adoption center, her parents couldn’t tell her where to find me. She wouldn’t have given up her search if her brother didn’t die. My first son had been hit by a drunk driver and died on impact. It was instant.

Decisions. Some of them affect your life forever. You have to be careful what you decide. The drunk driver went to prison for manslaughter and driving under the influence of alcohol. I’m sure that he had other plans in mind for his life, but they fell apart when he decided to drive home after a party. Such a small and quick decision. Such a long lasting imprint on life.

My husband put my death in the obituaries. And my daughter found me at last. My youngest son got a surprise when he met his older sister that he had never known. My husband knew. I told him before I died. I was afraid to say it before that, but I had to tell him. I would never get the chance to do it again.

My husband was really nice about it. He answered her questions about me, and she was able to finally put to rest that part of her life. She went home and hugged her parents and thanked them for always being there for her and told them she loved them and that they would always be her parents to her. And then she went home to her husband and child and lived happily ever after.

My son was upset at first. He didn’t understand why I had never told him. He was mad at me. And then he was mad at his father too. And then he let go. He realized that there was nothing he could do about it, and that it was in the past, and that he had his own life to live. He also realized that I had loved him.

He went to visit her once. He was curious about her. She was kind and she answered his questions, but she didn’t know much about me, nor did she even know of my existence until adulthood. Hers did not come as early as mine had. She didn’t grow up till college, and I am thankful that she didn’t have to go through what I did.

They had a pleasant little conversation. And after he left her place, they never saw each other again. They were two worlds apart and had completely different lives to live. Their paths had been separate since the day I gave her up for adoption. No, since the day I had decided to give her up for adoption. Although, had I kept her, he may never have been born.

It’s a funny thing, life. It is always changing. It is affected by the tiniest of decisions. It is a miracle. There were so many things that I could have done differently, but had I done them differently, three people would not be in this world today. No wait. I forgot my grandchildren. And their children. And their children’s children. And all the lives that they were a part of. All the people they have come in contact with. Other people’s lives that they have saved. My life was not the one I had expected. It didn’t happen the way I had planned it. But it was worth it. And I can’t regret any moment of it.