Scribble #2
by Raven Eades
August 20, 2004

"I think that was very inconsiderate of you."

It's amazing to me how hard words can strike, and how deeply. Whoever wrote the famous rhyme "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me" I think was in denial because words do hurt... a lot.

I sighed as I thought over this once again. Little else had been running through my mind than that five minute conversation and all the implications of it. The Counselor had heard a lot of the situation from me, and yet it seemed to me that he was unusually silent. Those are the hardest times for me - when I really want him to say something and he just sits thoughtfully gazing up at the sky. I wonder sometimes if he isn't talking to the King by some form I can't recognize. Last night he brought some helpful insight and I admit it was really hard to hear, but it brought a great deal of peace to all these troubled thoughts. I just wish peace would stay more easily or distress stay farther away.

The day had not been long. I actually woke up in high spirits, excited even in the little chores of rolling up my sleeping gear, cleaning the dishes, and generally tidying up the place we had stayed at. Somewhere along the march was where my confidence was lost; now I felt just as badly as when I had first heard those words. Now all I could feel was that deep ache of the heart that spoke of something wrong even if the wrong wasn't that deep or as bad as it seemed.

I have now been in the King's service for twelve years, first entering of my own choice when I was only seven. Because I was so young and particularly sensitive as a child, I was only entered as a background page to learn from those who went out to the battles and those who schooled other soldiers. It was a slow way to learn, but being in one of the safe houses surrounded me by the Counselor's presence which made it so natural to travel with him when I was called to battle. With it comes challenges, naturally; it's harder for me to understand the life and motive of people outside the safe house, but at the same time, their pains break my heart when I see them. I wonder sometimes if the King didn't use my sensitivity to be a strength instead of the weakness it many times seems.

All of this to say that because of my temperament and my upbringing, conflicts weren't as severe as they could be. To be honest, I avoided it at all cost, trying my best to smooth things over at the first signs of danger even at the cost of my own feelings. But now that I've been marching for seven years and have entered a period of new training by the Counselor... conflict is inevitable. Now it's just a matter of learning how to deal with it.

I'm just afraid my first try is a mess. I've never had someone angry with me because I genuinely made a bad fault; I can't say it's one of the better things I've experienced. Right now I just feel torn between wanting to smooth things over as I always have or standing for what I did and making amends where I can. There is no doubt that I acted on a mistaken judgment and consequences always follow. I just hope that I can stand up straight to accept them and make my Sovereign proud of me. Somehow, it's so hard to believe that he - and his Counselor - still love me despite this, but harder still is to deny that it's true.